Kenny Williams: B-Dog, Wassap!
Brian Cashman: K-Dub, good to hear from you. The grapevine says you're shopping that valuable OFer with a below market contract.
KW: Yeah, his name's Swisher, and he sucked this year.
BC: I saw that. Boy did he look bad at the end of the season. You know, 27 year old outfielders with good plate discipline are like Guatemalan produce. You gotta throw 'em away before they really start to stink up the joint.
KW: I know, that's why I was callin'
BC: Maybe I can help you out. What are you looking for?
KW: Well we're looking for some more speed, a true center fielder.
BC: Johnny Damon. We've got him.
KW: Not grindy enough. He should be young, and fast, and not particularly good at baseball.
BC: Brett Gardner, he's fast. Steals some bases.
KW: OK, but I need a 2B or a 3B too. We've got a bunch of inexperienced players there.
BC: I know you're not talking about ARod or Cano. But I suppose I could part with Betemit. He's kinda like Juan Uribe--low OBP, poor plate discipline, plays multiple positions--without the plus defense.
KW: Sounds good.
BC: But that's two major leaguers from me for one of yours. Phil Rogers will tell you that I'm losing out here. Do you have any dynamite reliever types?
KW: Aaron Poreda's pretty good, but I don't think I can trade him. How about Kanekoa Texeira?
BC: Tex is alright, but I can't give up two major leaguers for that package.
KW: OK, drop Gardner. I've got my eye on Willy Taveras anyways. What have you got in your farm system?
BC: Oh, nothing. I've got these boring high-upside guys and boatload of these Super Exciting never-gonna-amount-to-nothing minor league arms. Tell you what. I'll let you pick any two from the boatload. You'll get 3 players while giving up 2. Phil Rogers will love you.
KW: OK. Marquez, he can't strike anyone out. I'll say he has good sink on his pitches, is well suited to play at The Cell. And, how about Nunez, he's been traded a lot, he must be good.
BC: Alright. It's a deal then?