"When I’m in the Dominican Republic, I’m dedicated entirely to them." – Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramirez on his devotion to the gentlemen’s leisure of cockfighting

The Chicago Cubs are set to decamp from Mesa, Arizona with ambitions of roping in their first World Series crown since 1908, the year Albert Einstein presented the quantum theory of light, or roughly ninety-five years before Sammy Sosa was bounced for cracking his corked stick in a regulation game. A new year brings a fresh roster of bloated salaries on the Tribune Company’s pesos, newbies like Kosuke Fukodome and Jon Lieber, although GM Jim Hendry was scooped by the Yankees on inking Billy Crystal to a one game promo deal and failed to convince seventh-inning stretch favorite Jim Belushi to quit his sitcom gig. Lou Piniella’s task of assembling a squad to sit comfortably atop the NL Central unlike the toupee on Ron Santo’s gourd seems simple in the minds of Cubs’ fans, most of whom can’t distinguish the "Curse of the Billy Goat" from the "Curse of Scott Eyre’s Goatee." However, for the sake of debate, let us examine a few question marks heading into the 2008 season commemorating a hundred years of losing baseball on the north side.

Will Mark Derosa ever close his mouth during the ’08 season?

This particular question has sent Sunday Night Baseball commentator Joe Morgan straight for a bottle of Robitussin and Jim Miller to mutter exaggerated pronunciations of former big leaguer Neifi Perez’s name quietly to himself. But faster than you can log on to firejoemorgan.com, ESPN’s diminutive baseball encyclopedia, Tim Kurchin, is reporting that Mark Derosa "is physically incapable of shutting his mouth do to a longstanding superstition of mouthing Bon Jovi songs under his breath while in uniform." Kurchin, however, would not elaborate on Derosa’s favoring of the washed-up Jersey band’s hit "Lay Your Hands on Me" to say, "Livin’ on a Prayer."

How will reports of Aramis Ramirez’s involvement in cockfighting affect this year’s team?

The media and the club have largely swept over Ramirez’s passion for bloodying poultry citing cultural disparities between barbaric pastimes in the Dominican Republic to the shock therapy and sporty skull bashing of pit bulls favored by Michael Vick and his merry clan of "we ain’t never heard of PETA." "Sweet" Lou has remained mum on the subject leading financial insiders to believe KFC is a forerunner in the renaming rights of Wrigley Field. Sam Zell, the Tribune Company’s principle owner, has conversely stated Subway has expressed serious interest in splashing their name over the dilapidated stadium, with corporate promotions in-the-works like a sign over the bleachers declaring the Yuppies favorite Bud Light watering hole, "Jared’s Jungle." Commercials featuring the defensively challenged Aramis Ramirez noshing on a chicken teriyaki sub would only seem logical concurrently with weekly installments of Jared and his melted wax physique in the booth during the seventh-inning stretch.

Who is Kosuke Fukodome?

Fukodome is a high priced Japanese export slated to play right field for the Cubs this season. Kosuke Fukodome (literally: honey bear) is recovering from elbow surgery thought to be the result of his obsession with Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz for the Nintendo Wii. Cubs’ trainers are not too terribly concerned about him making a full recovery given the club’s resident nutcase, Carlos Zambrano, made a speedy recovery from his bout with compulsive instant messaging. If Fukodome stays healthy and Zambrano doesn’t dislocate a finger on his pitching hand tracing Ryan Theriot’s wispy moustache, the Cubs figure to be in good standing in the NL Central.

Any word on who will be the Cub’s closer?

Manager Lou Piniella and pitching coach Larry Rothschild have narrowed their search for the team’s new scapegoat down to Carlos Marmol, Bobby Howry, and Kerry Wood. Piniella is known to labor over such decisions and has publicly stated he will not announce the team’s closer until he’s had a plate of spaghetti at Harry Caray’s containing remnants of the exploded baseball Steve Bartman nabbed from Moises Alou’s ready mitt. At that point he’ll likely divulge Kerry Wood’s plan to "think things through" on the 60 day DL, Bobby Howry’s preference to blow leads in the set up role, and Carlos Marmol’s ineligibility given Ron Santo’s proclivity to pronounce his last name "marmalade." Plan on Ryan Dempster reprising the role of closer on account he does the best Harry Caray impersonation.

Is there any chance Ron Santo will be able to pronounce Fukodome’s name?

Is Bob Brenly’s face in need of microdermabrasion? Stupid question. Look for Fukodome’s name to be bastardized to the point of resembling a certain four-lettered expletive often muttered by Pat Hughes in-between innings.

When will the Ronnie "Woo Woo" Wickers DVD, WooLife: One Life Saved By The Game of Baseball, be available to purchase?

In April, right around the time the Cubs find themselves half dozen games behind the Brewers and Lou Piniella calls WGN to inform them he’s planning on staging another meltdown to fire-up the troops. Get your copies fast given a story about a drunken homeless man with a twisted grill whose sole purpose in life is to incessantly chant "Derrek ... woo ... Lee ... woo" all damn game is likely to sell out. Word is the story is so sweet Len Kasper now has diabetes.

WHO CARES? DIFFERENT LEAGUE. NOW IF U WANT TO PROFILE THE INDIANS FUTILITY THAT WOULD GET ME GOING! ESP. AFTER ALL THE SHIT TALKING THROUGH OUT THE LATE 90'S.

Are so caught up in trying to be Chicago's team, its rediculous. In 2005, most the Sox fans I know were more focused on talkin about how bad the Cubs were than how good they were.

Now, Im gonna take a tylenol to prepare for the headache Im gonna have from reading hate comments I will be getting...

is represented in this area well by the poll on what is a succesfull season. I was glad only 2% took the "beat the cubs" route on the poll. So Cheat, what I'm saying is don't let them get to you!