DATELINE--Washington D.C.--In a surprise move, President Obama named Chicago White Sox outfielder Carlos Quentin 'Secretary of Dreaminess' yesterday, as a shocked Brian Anderson looked on.
As a consequence of this stunning announcement, Quentin must spend part of his day shirtless, and will trade his car for a white horse with a flowing mane. Also he must spend one hour each chopping wood in the early morning sun while wearing tight jeans.
"He's just so great." Obama said, "especially after meeting him! He said he likes the same thing I do too!"
In congress, Vice President Biden was happy to hear the news, "I glad he finally met him. I was getting sick of Barack always talking about him, like 'did you know Carlos went to Stanford and was a poly sci major? OMG!'" Biden continued, "the 2009 budget had to be rewritten several times because the president kept writing 'B.O. + C. Q.' in a heart on every page, and originally signed it into law as 'Barack Quentin.'"
“When President Obama replaced the Lansdowne portrait of George Washington with a collage he made from newspaper clippings of the White Sox outfielder I knew [Quentin] was a shoo-in get a seat on the cabinet,” said Speaker of the House Pelosi, “a month ago he replaced Jefferson's portrait with a picture he found on the web of then-Secretary of Energy nominee Steven Chu holding his puppy.”
“A stylized 'Q' created with glitter and attached by Elmer's glue found on the TARP proposal was originally thought to be made by Timothy Geitner, but now it is clearly shown to come from the desk of the President,” Biden concluded.
Secretary of Dreaminess was last held during the Clinton administration by Robert Reich.