Dear Jake Peavy,

You are a good man who is nice and good and good at throwing the ball where the hitter players cannot hit the ball without missing it when they swing.  My friends and me want that you should come to our field to play in front of us while wearing our team's clothes and things.  We have a good team with good nice players like Paul Konerko and people like that who are good at catching.  And throwing. 

People at our ballfield like to cheer when the good things happen and they make it so the people who do the good things can be happy.  We also have good foods and firecrackers and even one of our bad players is married to a very pretty lady so you will probably also be married to a very pretty lady if you come here and be with us.

If you come to our team my daddy says that maybe he will stop hitting me with his hitting stick.  He also said that maybe my doggie who he ran over will come back to life and be with me again.  He said that if this letter does not work and you do not come to our good team he will make it so that I will have to sleep in the car again and that this time there won't be any candy wrappers for me to smell on.

So please come to our team.  Here is a picture of my daddy and his hitting stick.