Because I wanted to write that.

Jim Thome Pitches Seven Shutout Innings In Dodgers Debut
  

LOS ANGELES—Continuing a trend of American League players finding new life in the National League, former White Sox DH Jim Thome pitched seven shutout innings in his debut with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Thome dazzled the San Diego Padres with a baffling arsenal of two pitches – a fastball and an underhand "slow ball," which he picked up from his daughter.
      Though Thome has never pitched before, the Padres found him "dominant."
     "That was one of the most dominant pitching performances I can remember," said manager Bud Black. "One second he’s throwing an 84 mile-an-hour fastball and the next minutes he’s lobbing an 80 mile-an-hour slowball at you. What’s a batter to do? It’s almost not fair."
     When asked how a first-time pitcher could have so much success against major league hitters, Black said he wasn’t sure.
    "I guess people just didn’t realize how well this guy could throw the ball," he said. "All I know is the Dodgers got themselves one helluva starter. It goes to show you that some players have hidden talents, and the NL is clearly much better at nurturing those talents than the AL."
    The highlight of the performance came when Thome struck out slugger Adrian Gonzalez on three pitches to close out the seventh inning. The Padres had two men on base following a walk and an infield hit, but couldn’t come up with a clutch hit to tie the game.
    Said Gonzalez: "All the great pitchers turn up the heat with men on base and Thome is no different. I was sitting on a fastball when I got up there, and he started me off with two straight slowballs. Then, just when I got the timing right, he comes at me with a fastball. I almost pulled a muscle swinging at that thing."
    Gonzalez also said he didn’t appreciate Thome’s antics following the strikeout, which consisted of Thome shrugging his shoulders and then laughing uproariously.