Welcome to the circle.
Please help yourselves to some homemade punch and pie; on the table under the Vizquel painting.
In an effort to make this a more pleasant experience, I've crushed up large amounts of hydrocodone into both.
I want to start with a symbolic candle-lighting ceremony.
Here, I light 3 candles. Each candle represents one of the alleged 2010 White Sox Designated Hitters.
These candles are carefully hand-crafted with love by The Gentleman Masher, Jim Thome.
Jim has a lot of time on his hands these days.
Do you like gold and bamboo jewelry? You should see what Jim Thome's sausage fingers can do with a little bamboo.
This brooch I'm wearing practically speaks for itself.
But enough talk about Jim Thome. What does he have to do with this anyway.
We are united here because we share a common affliction...
No, not "being Sox fans", SSH. Good try though.
But then again, SSH is sort of correct. Because being Sox fans is the very root of the pain we're experiencing.
The exposed root in the center of our DHcisor.
Get it? DHcisor? Root? .... exposed??
Obviously you people aren't golfers.
As I was saying, we've come here for support. We've come here in fear.
We've come here to unite in relatively silent and meaningless protest against the present plans of our leader, Ozzie Guillen, who -
No, Kenwo4Life, I don't have his home address handy. Please, Kenwo, fortheloveofgod,
have some more punch.
As I was saying...
We've come here to unite in relatively silent and meaningless protest against the present plans of our leader, Ozzie Guillen, who claims to be constructing a 2010 roster involving not one, not two, but at least 3 or more Designated Hitters.
Here is a good place to start... breaking it down to the essence; the title itself: Designated Hitter.
When you hear those words, where does your mind travel?
Do you picture a guy or three, who have decent defensive values; yet mediocrity dripping from their bats?
Maybe a guy who can turn a double-play better than the best of 'em?
Or a guy who is so fat, when he puts on his yellow track suit and goes outside, people be yelling "TAXI! TAXI!" at him?
Do you picture Scott Podsednik, for example - a guy who can seamlessly merge Leading Off and Designated Hitting into one single grindy position?
Or do you picture a thick and beefy guy who has a special place in his heart for 3-run homers and game-winning dingers? A guy whose one job and sole concern, is stepping up to the plate and hitting the motherfucking ball; preferably out of the motherfucking park?
That's what I thought.
But let's try to reach deep inside and find understanding anyway.
Dammit, colin, I didn't mean for you to literally reach inside the person sitting next to you.
Though it's good to know you're paying attention. Not so good for Czheck, who looks a little pale now...
Could someone get Czheck some water? And a towel, please. Remember that we're renting these chairs, folks...
Where was I.
Ah yes...Ozzie led the Sox to a World Series title a mere 4 seasons ago. Surely the man knows how to make a lineup and run a ball club. Surely we are being too hard on him.
Has anyone considered that there might be a language barrier at play here?
Did somebody once jokingly tell Ozzie that "designated hitter" really meant "bunch of guys who are ok hitters?"
I mean... Designated Hitter....it's not plural or anything.... one would think that he had the basics of singular/plural down by now...
Maybe we just need to speak louder and slower to him?
That usually works when I'm dealing with my Polish cleaning lady.
Not that it stops her from constantly breaking shit and bleaching my darks..........
Do you guys smell burning or did I have wayyy too much punch?
You know, I had a feeling this hairy candle wasn't a good idea. Jim Thome thought he was being clever by mixing hair into the Kotsay candle. I admit, it was super cute...the little beard glued on the candle like that...
but what a HORRIBLE and IMPRACTICAL idea, Jim Thome! uggggh. Useless, that guy.
Sooooo how is everyone coping so far?
I feel like we're really making strides, friends.
Have you all signed the attendance sheet? Who has the attendance sheet?
The attendance roster, heh heh heh...
It was just going around a minute ago...
larry and Tdogg, could you stop whispering? It's very distracting from the work we are attempting to accomplish here. All I hear is psshshshspshshsshhhshppsssshpp and the flapping of your noodle arms back there, lar.
If you have something to say, this is the place, this is your floor, this is your home, your audience, your oyster.
I dunno guys, I'm feeling awfully at ease about this whole thing.
Any thoughts on the Vizquel painting? I thought about giving it back....I don't think Omar knows it's gone yet....the more I look at it, I dunno.... whatdoyouguysthink?
It's just like - man - if Ozzie is dumb enough.... if this is the guy.... if this is our T-rusted Skipper.... you know, like, why bother getting all worked up about it, you know? It's like a sinking ship...
Kinda like that pirate-themed Sox strip that that Skanberg jerk drew.....it's just like...just gotta let it go, right? Gotta let go of dat bitch and sink with dat ship... gotta let it flow, right?
Just let it T-Flo, right.
Hey, can anyone give me a ride home?