Most people know him as Oswaldo José Guillén Barrios but he prefers to be called, "Shut the fuck up I am talking," as evidenced by his speech at Friday night’s Roast. Throughout the course of the night I was treated to secrets, lies, half-truths, debauchery, expert-level cussing and cold steak.
The demographics of this event were all over the fucking place. You had your run-of-the-mill South Side crack rascals sporting their Sunday best: a red, silk, short-sleeve shirt with triple-pleated slacks. Everywhere I looked, I thought I saw Kenwo…even though I don’t even know what he looks like! Then at the very next table was a couple genetically lucky fucks worth millions and dressed to the nine’s in a million thread count suit. Yes, Oney & Ozzie Jr. were there…the only Guillen progeny with talent had better things to do. Ozzie said it best himself when he said he knew that Oney was going to be a loser from the beginning…because his favorite player growing up was Ron Karkovice.
Much to my pleasure and surprise, sitting next to me at Table 35 was the lovely Carolyn and Denise (of Bullpen Bar fame). The smug, prick Chris Rongey was master of ceremonies and as he unleashed a profanity laced tirade I knew this was going to be a weird night…the uber-professional post-game psychiatrist actually has a dark-side.
As Rongey said of the first roaster, "his fannypack doesn’t have medical supplies in it, it is full of mayonnaise." Herm Schneider everyone…mad applause. Herm told a story about when Ozzie first showed up to Comiskey Park he was sitting in the training room and Roland Hemond walks in asking where the fuck that Guillen kid was. Herm pointed at Guillen and Hemond apparently said, "I didn’t know I traded for a jockey." Herm also told Ozzie early in his career that one day toward the end of Ozzie’s career he was going to have a huge gut and be playing firstbase…many years later that came true according to Herm. When Ozzie came back to Chicago while a Devil Ray, Herm was on the top step yelling, "I told you so!"
Next it was Peggy Kascinzski’s turn…to be honest I didn’t even know who the fuck she was but apparently she is somewhat of a celebrity for NBC 5. She was fucking hilarious though and probably three-sheets to the wind. She told the crowd that Herm Schneider made Bobby Jenks look like Alexei Ramirez. And called him the John Wayne Gacy of baseball minus the crawlspace and the clown-suit.
She said that Ozzie, Jr. goes by the name, "I’m not Oney" and proceeded to call them both the Uday and Qusay of baseball. Then she moved on to Cowley, she said it is a little known fact that Cowley attended Kent State University but she said it was unfortunately 20 years and 1 bullet too late.
Moving on to Ozzie she said when Ozzie first heard about a roast he immediately thought of goat. She asked him, "Where did you get your hair done? The Gulf of Mexico?" She said that Ozzie had his head so far up Jerry Reinsdorf’s ass that he used Jerry’s glasses to read.
Next came Ozzie, Jr. The cool and well-spoken son. Rongey started off by saying that Jr. had worked less in his life than the pull out method. Ozzie busted out Peggy for cock-watching in the Clubhouse and said something about her seeing Greg Walker’s dick in Gordon Beckham. Jr. called out Cowley on having only one testicle and later Oney was to do the same thing…interesting…how true is it? Cowley had a response which I will mention later. Jr. explained Oney and Cowley’s hate saying that Oney hates whites (except for White women) and Cowley hates Hispanics. He waxed philosophically about how it was hilarious that Oney became the most hated Guillen. Jr. begged Ozzie Sr. to explain to everyone why he pees sitting down and called his 80’s moustache ants on his lips.
At this point, I stepped outside for some fresh air and saw Terry Boars getting accosted by a hammered ass bitch. He looked like a deer in headlights. It was hilarious. He and another guy were defending Bernstein because the drunk wouldn’t get off the subject of how much she hated him. Several people tried to stop Boers to talk but he walked by them without acknowledgement like a wandering nursing home resident.
Oney defended against the apparent bromance with Cowley by saying if he was gay he would choose a guy with two testicles rather than one. Oney rambled and ranted for about twenty minutes it seemed like and it was just name dropping and none of it had any substance or humor. It was painful…very painful. I felt bad for the guy actually, half the place was booing him and everyone was so drunk they lost interest. The main heckler of Oney was eventually kicked out of the Roast and got high-fives the whole way out. Ozzie later threatened to kick that guy’s ass. The whole thing was very embarrassing to witness. We got little gift bags with shit like stainless steel water bottles with a DUI attorney on it, two malt balls, a shooter of spiced rum and UV coconut, a 10% off at realtime sports, some green and yellow striped socks.....needless to say Carolyn and I mixed together our spiced rum and UV coconut and pounded them during the Oney travesty. That mised well with my vodka gimlets, beer, wine and champagne.
There was still too much of a reverberating din in the room following the Oney debacle and unfortunately I couldn’t hear most of Roberto Hernandez’ roast, people at the front of the room were laughing and he seemed like a great guy. I heard a snippet of one of his jokes and it had to do with comparing Ozzie to Bevington…
Just when I thought, this roast is going down the tubes quick because of Oney…Joe Cowley saved the day. Yep, I have a new found respect for Cowley. He was by far the most entertaining. I said it, you guys will probably call shenanigans but it was the truth.
First, I must say JC is probably about five feet tall, very slight…I saw him get out of a limo with another dude and my table was behind his…but shit I didn’t know what he looked like until he was on stage. He defended the fact that the Guillen brothers said he had one nut. He even asked Ibis to grab his nuts to confirm it and said, "If that was my mom I would ask for scrambled eggs in bed with roofies."
He told the brothers Guillen they were idiots, he had blood cancer not testicular cancer and he has been in remission for 6 years, he thanked Ozzie for raising money for cancer children since he saw plenty in his chemo session.
Cowley put a Marlins hat on Ozzie to start and he said that the only way ROngey got the MC job for this event is because Santo cancelled a few months ago. He said Oney was the Poster Boy for why polar bears eat their young and said Ozney was not there because he actually has talent. He told a story about how after a Cub vs. Sox game he was walking home by himself and he heard someone yell, "Everyone run, there is a child molester over there!" Cowley said he got ready to put up his dukes to beat the shit out of the child molester and looked around for him…he saw a bunch of people running at him to kick his ass and Ozzie laughing from the player’s parking lot, he was the one who shouted it.
Ozzie called Mariotti a fag, Oney’s heckler a loser, he said playing in Wrigley is like playing in Venezuela…He said he didn’t know what was harder, getting Karko to hit .210 or getting Harold to speak. He said the first time he saw Herm in the shower he asked him, "Do you have a hernia or is that your dick?" The rest of it was mostly unintelligible.
Denise, took a picture of me with Harold and Karko (I told him he was my hero, even though I was lying, Karko seemed grateful.) Then my 69 year-old father drove his two drunk son’s home. I have audio from my Flip camera from this event and hopefully I can walk Denise through how to email pics…she is old school. Someone give me an idea on how to get the audio up. I am missing a lot but I am after all only one man.