Its 2032 and a post liver transplant KW wheels himself out to the podium to once again discuss a controversial managerial hire.
"Let's keep this short people, I don't have all day."
"Look, first of all he was an infielder...also we came to find out that all Paulie was interested in was getting back to the desert and building a larger home. Gordon Beckham is a smart baseball man, as you know he played over 2,000 games in his career and learned from some of the best managers in the business in Jim Parque, Herbert Perry and Bill Simas. Anyone who thinks this is not the best hire we could have made is clearly mistaken. Not serving as Paulie's bench coach instilled in him the anti-sabermetric aspects that are valued in baseball today but we really think that Paulie was just looking for more square footage. It was all he talked about behind closed doors and in the media… We have pinpointed the new market ineffieciency and it is experience. Beckham has a big heart and an ample gut. You'll see and until you see or don't see we will tell you what you should believe and believe it you will."
"A lot of people are saying this is a hire in the same vein as the Ventura hire, what are your thoughts on that?"
"I don't want to talk about Robin. That ship sailed years ago."
"It seemed like the team under Paulie lacked the fire and commitment needed to win championships, much less divisions. How will the hire of Gordon Beckham make things different?"
"Well it’s the same thing we always look for, minus the obvious. It is now public knowledge that Ozzie fucked my wife in her asshole, Robin masterbated on her and Parque lefty fisted her…Jerry and I believe that Beckham is asexual enough to fit in around here and get things done, in fact he volunteered to have his testicles removed as a condition of his hire. I of course told him that was unnecessary and all we needed him to do was to instill the same grindiness that he gave us out of the DH spot in the last six years of his career."
"Fans and critics alike are wondering if we would ever see a White Sox hitter bunt in this decade. Does Beckham like the bunt?"
"As you all know Beckham cut his teeth under Ozzie and was forced to bunt in the worst of circumstances at all times based on him being a secondbaseman. One of the reasons why we hired Beckham was that he doesn't like the bunt. If the bunt didn't work 25 years ago its not going to work in today's game either…not much has changed."
"Tony LaRussa III bunts all the time and he has won several championships."
"Tony doesn't win because of the bunt, he wins because he wills his team to win. His father was the same way and we see the same will in Gordon Beckham. Gordon is my favorite person in baseball because baseball is a baseball man's game and the way we play baseball here on the south side is a baseball man's baseball dream of baseball the correct baseball way. Seriously, if I could fuck a baseball, I would fuck a Gordon Beckham autographed baseball. The stitches are just tighter on a Beckham autographed baseball."
"You said basically the same thing about Parque."
"Despite Parque's results I would still fuck a Parque autographed baseball. He knows baseball better than anyone in the business. He's been around baseball his whole life you see, we look for people who have been life long baseball people and we put them in situations to succeed."
"At the end of Paulie's tenure it seemed like you and he were butting heads a bit. Was this personal or was it just a baseball decision to fire him?"
"Paulie knows baseball better than anyone, the proof is in the pudding…don't you remember his grand slam in 2005 bringing a World Series victory? That right there proves he knows baseball but sometimes things in your personal life seep into your career. In Paulie's case he felt compelled to add 40 more rooms onto his home, this is why we find Paulie's managing the Tempe Devil Rays…I love Paulie to death and it pains me to see him go, I have imbibed scotch with him on many occasions but we all agreed that it was best for him to move on."
"Are you still talking to Jerry through a Ouiji board."
"Is he telling you how to conduct business."
"No, he is more of someone to lean on than anything. He did tell me that if the fans don't come out to the park that his magical bank account won't have anything in it anymore. So beware fans, if you don't like this hire and you don't come to the park next year because of it, you are going to be the one to suffer and if you change the channel during commercials we might not have enough to re-sign fan favorite Valdijhonny Sweetlord when his contract expires after next season. If he is gone it will be the fans fault and they should feel guilty about it the rest of their living days. I can't imagine there being any more questions, are we done? I really don't have all day and I am getting annoyed and bored. I don't like talking about my job because it is my job to not talk about my job"
"Just one more, do you think Peavy's robotic arm is going to hold up this year? It is now widely known that he switched to Raytheon ball bearings and apparently he fully expects to make it through the whole season without viscosity issues, but we have heard this before of course…"
"Jake Peavy is going to be Jake Peavy and we expect him to win. His life time contract aside, we feel he puts us in the best position to win. He knows baseball and brings fire and commitment to the cause, he is unrelenting and will…………"