South Side Sox Exclusive: Donny Lucy retires from Major League Baseball

by larry on Dec 16, 2011 4:01 PM CST in Satire

Donny Lucy (courtesy of Del Rey Avocado Company)

With all this talk of the White Sox being unable to sign Mark Buehrle due to payroll constraints, the coverage of the trade of Sergio Santos and the idle speculation regarding possible trades of John Danks, Carlos Quentin and Gavin Floyd, the White Sox beat writers completely missed the most important White Sox story of the offseason: the retirement of Donny Lucy. So, once again, it's left to us at South Side Sox to pick up the slack.

As we all know, Donny was a key performer. His career line of .250/.318/.425 is excellent for a catcher. But it's not just his superlative on-field skills that mattered. As a Stanford graduate, he brought a Greg Maddux-esque cerebral approach to the game. Scouts raved about his ability to handle pitching staffs, which is no surprise considering he is a summa cum laude graduate of the White Stag Leadership Camp. His mere presence inspired all those around him. Donny was Tim Tebow before Tim Tebow was Tim Tebow. Without all that Jesus crap.

I mean, just look at that picture of Donny. It says composure without conceit. Valor without vengeance. Hair without dandruff.

As Donny is a warrior-poet, he can look back on his amazing career with satisfaction and now say it's time to devote himself full-time to avocados, as well as his lifelong pursuit of the cure for childhood leukemia. For those who ask how a man aged just 29 years can walk away from baseball, I would merely point them to the recent biography of Donny, entitled "Swell". It should be required reading for all.

In that wide-ranging exploration of what drives Donny to reach for the stars (and hunt whales), we are provided many insights into the zeitgeist of Donny. To wit:

The lords of dawn are men such as Mr. Lucy.... They remember when dawn was hours earlier and when they had to kill a hundred Nazis every morning just to get to the percolator.

What many people didn't realize is that Donny didn't play baseball for himself. He did it for all of us. And to exterminate from the face of the earth the Nazi threat, once and for all.

So, from all of us at South Side Sox and The Donny Lucy Fan Club, thanks for everything Donny. You will be missed.

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Comments

The challenges of playing professional baseball the last 8 years have uniquely qualified Donny to handle whatever challenges lay ahead in the avocado world.

Well, unless somebody wants him to hit an avocado with a baseball bat. That might present a bit of a problem.

by eriqjaffe on Dec 16, 2011 4:08 PM CST reply actions 3 recs

I am weeping

and praying and laughing and strangely confident and secure.

"I'm going to die this way ... wanting to play more baseball."

by winningugly on Dec 16, 2011 4:11 PM CST via mobile reply actions

Also, where is the eulogy?

We must carry on.

"I'm going to die this way ... wanting to play more baseball."

by winningugly on Dec 16, 2011 4:14 PM CST via mobile up reply actions

what the fuck do you think this is.

by larry on Dec 16, 2011 4:15 PM CST up reply actions

No call to leave a name?

No favorite Sox moment? Even through my tears I can see what is Not.

"I'm going to die this way ... wanting to play more baseball."

by winningugly on Dec 16, 2011 4:17 PM CST via mobile up reply actions

like someone is going to pick something other than extermination of the nazi threat.

by larry on Dec 16, 2011 4:20 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs

Now we know who made the world safe for Mr.Coffee.

"People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage."

John Kenneth Galbraith

by Chiburb on Dec 16, 2011 4:48 PM CST up reply actions

Well, now we're screwed.

by asinwreck on Dec 16, 2011 4:43 PM CST reply actions

As William Wallace's execution inspired Robert the Bruce and the Scots, so too shall Donny's fall inspire Robin the Manager and the Sox

by joewho112 on Dec 16, 2011 4:48 PM CST up reply actions

robin has to hallucinate a profound experience with a spider in a cave first though.

then he’ll die of leprosy.
it is a hard road ahead to ultimate glory for ventura.

by craigws on Dec 17, 2011 1:13 AM CST up reply actions

So long, Donny.

I’ll never forget hearing about how you took two women into the bathroom, separately, at Tai’s Til 4. You oozed class, and that’s just a small part of what made you so endearing.

The lords of dawn are men such as Mr. Lucy.

by Uribe Down on Dec 16, 2011 4:45 PM CST reply actions

Women love avocados.

by FlyingSpaghettiMonster on Dec 16, 2011 6:52 PM CST via mobile up reply actions 3 recs

Mwah ha ha!

The value of the game used Lucy bat grows more day by day1

by South Side Expat on Dec 16, 2011 4:53 PM CST reply actions

press release?

Dave Martinez woulda had that.

by Nordhagen on Dec 16, 2011 4:59 PM CST reply actions

will there still be a season next year?

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

by MarketMaker on Dec 16, 2011 6:08 PM CST reply actions

We need to scatter his ashes into the Pacific Ocean

which he loved so dearly

by Pander on Dec 16, 2011 6:15 PM CST reply actions 3 recs

it says avocados

I mean, just look at that picture of Donny.

White Sox 2012: Helplessly rebuilding?

by greenlight on Dec 16, 2011 6:17 PM CST reply actions

"You promised me Donny,

that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?"

And Donny replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you."

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

by MarketMaker on Dec 16, 2011 6:27 PM CST reply actions 6 recs

good for donny.

looks like it’s going to be a good year for avocados.

hopefully a drop in prices and increased security can lessen the problem of avocado rustlers.

"michael gilhaney is an example of a man that is nearly banjaxed from the principal of the atomic theory. would it astonish you to hear that he is nearly half a bicycle?" ~~ sergeant pluck

by BuehrleMan on Dec 16, 2011 6:58 PM CST reply actions