RRRR: Paniagua Panache

I plan on using this essay to make a number of things crystal fucking clear. Clearly, the handful of overpaid and almighty bloggers who write and run this site are nothing more than mental masturbating think-tanking propaganda machines. They are no better than the mainstream media, in fact they are worse! You know why? They are worse because they can’t get quotes from the actual baseball players and owe nothing to the franchise I would thankfully perish protecting. They can’t delve into the minutiae of the human levels of the organization because they don’t have any fucking access what-so-ever. Their stats don’t take into account the sociology of the game. What makes it even worse is they never, ever attempt to get at the clear truth of matters.

larry, margalus, colin, U-god…these fucking people exist for one purpose…to bend reality to conform to their unsavory blogging agendas. All they want to do is tell people how fucking stupid about baseball they are. They are the bullies in this pixilated hell. If I didn’t like the White Sox so much, I would never come here to argue with them. In fact, I feel it is my duty and fight against these villains so the old-way of of thinking from the gut never dies. Nevermind, I have nothing else better to do. If there is any reason for my existence, it is to prove these fools wrong. Never, will I actually listen to their half-baked theories. The fact that they believe they are above the constraints of quoting reliable sources and facts (yes, craig….facts) does a complete disservice to the game that I know and love better than anyone else. When they make me feel stupid by trying to force-feed me their ignorance, it is almost too much to handle. I eat my blood-pressure medicine like skittles and down a fifth of scotch but sadly still, I cannot put into words how wrong they are, even if words are all a blog and its commenters have. It is a sad state of affairs that I can’t argue this shit at a bar where I have my equally intelligent townie toughs to back me up both physically and mentally. I could totally kick their ass.

Frist, the White Sox will never win anything again because of KW. Yes, KW is the detriment to the baseball shrine I call the upperdeck of U.S. Cellular. KW probably reads at third grade level the way all his acquistions and trades have gone. He got so lucky in 2005 that I believe Selig convinced the other owners to allow the White Sox to win the World Series just to keep them relevant in case Ozzie Guillen were to leave town. Which he did by the way! If Ozzie never left then Buehrle never would have left either. Now we are stuck with Danks…a guy who won fewer than 10 games this year. How can a guy who wins fewer than 10 games get that kind of a contract! What an idiot KW is…I’ll bet Rick Hahn is seething that KW didn’t listen to him and trade Danks for Betances and Austin Romine. Poor Rick Hahn, how can he even be in the same room as KW?

Second, Peavy, Dunn and Rios…what can I say? I don’t think larry realizes that the White Sox will never win with these three albatross contracts (I say albatross because I can’t think of a better metaphor….what is an albatross?). Dunn will succumb to new lows next year, Rios will disrespect the game of baseball by using his millions to jetset around the country showing off his abs in expensive nightclubs and Peavy will never be the same! I mean Peavy’s experimental surgery should have fixed whatever was wrong with him! Its not like it take a long time to recover from surgery and get back to your old self now-a-days. The miracle of modern medicine has shown us time and time again that it fixes people for good and if it DOESN"T, that means I hate the person it didn’t work with. KW should have seen all this coming, what a piece of shit rat bastard.

Third, the only thing that the Danks extension made me do was look at the team we are going to have in 2014…how could you not?!? We as fans need to over-analyze and figure this out immediately. Where are the prospects that are going to be veterans by then? It is a shame that KW didn’t blow it up and get the best prospects in the game in return for all of our best players….I mean with Buehrle gone what chance do we have anyway? Now I have to sit here and watch an underachiever get 40 wins over the life of his 5 year contract. I don’t have all day! Get me a .300 hitter damnit. If only we had a .300 hitter and someone batting leadoff who could play defense and lay down a bunt. Instead KW had to waste all that money on a fat piece of crap with a history of on base percentage. New fangled stats…the new market inefficiency is putting fannies in the seats and with all this talk about getting that Cuban traitor they expect me to buy a Venchie plan? A 1/3 of our starters would be communists! The only way I am going to a game next year is if they give me half priced tickets or if I steal tickets from children. Instead I will be at home listening to Hawk, who should STILL be the general manager, and coming to this blog to force my grandiose presence on you small-minded infidels.

In conclusion, I am right and everyone is wrong, except that I used six paragraphs in an essay instead of the required five. Maybe if you ivory towers bloggers were more like me, we could be friends.