"Sit down...No not there, that's the chair Ted Dibiase used on Brutus Beefcake in Wrestlemania IV…its priceless. I would never forgive you if you broke it. I still can't forgive you for breaking your wrist on that bat."
"Y-y-y-yessir, what did you want to talk to me about."
"I'm sure you heard Kenny is on sabbatical following his multiple heart attacks. Well, he asked me to take over for a while. I have been given carte-blanche for all roster moves."
"Ummm, okay. What's up? I was just about to finish the Parson's Tale."
"I just traded you for Joe Blanton. You're too big of a pussy, a mental-midget if you will. Pimp Tank is done with his rehab and it looks like Herm is set to amputate Jake's arm tomorrow. We needed an arm donor and we didn't want to use anyone already in our organization because everyone sucks too much. Dr. Rosen is attaching Blanton's right arm to Peavy and Blanton has agreed to try to pull a Jim Abbott, one of my childhood heroes."
"I'm hitting .337/.400/.565 through 40 games and you're trading me for Joe fucking Blanton? You're a fucking lunatic."
"That very well may be but the way I see it is you're getting hit by too many pitches. You're going to get injured eventually. That and this basically gives us two pitchers for the price of one Ivy League pussy."
"I went to Stanford."
"Walk and I had been working real hard on my new swing mechanics and things were starting to click."
"Walk is gone…Kittle is the new guy. I mean Walker never hit over 30 homeruns and Kittle did it in his rookie year!"
"You're gonna be stuck with a one-armed Blanton as a fifth-starter, you'll lose a power piece out the lineup. You're banking on a highly unorthodox experimental surgery on your highest paid player. This is sheer lunacy."
"Jake said he'll be ready to go by early July. Until that time, I've got Blanton and Freddy.
"Freddy is pitching for the Long Island Ducks!"
"Not anymore. I got Freddy and Offerman in return for Jordan Danks.
"Yeah he once hit .315 and led the league in triples that year. I consider the acquisition a steal."
"What year was that!?!"
"1998. Great year…I was banging biddies at Illinois State that year, Albert Belle was on the South Side and one of my personal favorites, Magglio Ordonez, broke into the lineup that year and started an excellent career for the Sox until he had to have experimental knee surgery in Europe. If you look at Mags stats since…experimental surgery is always the way to go."
"John has got to be livid about his brother going to the Atlantic League."
"He can be livid all he wants…in Detroit."
"Detriot? Who did you get in return for Danksy?" Does Jerry know about this?"
"It doesn't matter who I got in return, we'll see you in the World Series and when we do, guess who is going to get hit by multiple pitches? And of course Jerry doesn't know about any of this."
"Well, I'm going to have a word with him, this can't be true."
"You're probably not going to be able to find him, unless you want to jackhammer through 15 feet of concrete in Cicero."
"I mean…he took his family to Indiana Beach for the summer. As the saying goes, there's more than corn in Indiana, afterall."
"Wait, you fucking killed Reinsdorf?"
"Kill is kind of a strong word isn't it? All that matters is another White Sox World Series. Einhorn is behind me 100%."
" Kenwo, you haven’t heard the last of me. You may think I’m shit now, but someday you’re gonna be sorry you traded me. I’m gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I hit against you I’m gonna stick it up your fuckin’ ass!"
"All time favorite quote. Now get out my basement, Oprah's coming on soon. Amaro needs someone to get hit by a pitch in Pitsburgh tonight."
(QUENTIN/KITTLE PICTURE COURTESY OF SOUTH SIDE EXPAT)