Somewhere in U.S. airspace between Winston-Salem and Cleveland, Kenny Williams, GM of the Chicago White Sox, is giving his team a peptalk for the upcoming 2011 season. His talk does not fall on deaf ears as his regiment collectively believes this could be a special year and are champing at the bit to get into combat with the Indians in less than 48 hours.
"Gentlemen, this spring we've put in all the work needed to begin our 2011 campaign with a bang! We need to keep battling, the way we have all spring, and once our tour of duty is finished…I'm confident that we will be the team standing on top of the hill planting our flag and looking out amongst a battlefield full of our opponent's corpses! There are no other 'band of brothers' I would rather go to war with…so troops…..holy shit!"
Just then a bright flash encompasses their charter plane and the electronics in the cab start to fail. The co-pilot of the plane pokes his head out of the cockpit door and panic-strickenly screams, "Everyone fasten their belts, that lightning compromised our nav system and engines 2, 3 and 4 are not responding! It's going to be a rough landing!"
AJ says to Paulie, "Man, I've always wanted to tell you something but have never had the guts to do it…" Ozzie screams, "Weer uhl gonna fockin duhie muthafuckars!" Q is oblivious to what is happening, he is too busy visualizing gappers.
Two explosions occur and Danks plugs in his last chew and testament as he watches out his window in Row K as the fiery engines begin falling off the plane's wings. The plane is screaming towards the ground at a 30 degree angle, breaking sound barriers. Everyone is shitting their pants and just before impact a white light encompasses them.
They all find themselves in a wooden dugout. The team is dressed in White Sox uniforms circa 1919. No one is sure what happened and all think they must have been dreaming. In front of the dugout, stands Roland Hemmond.
"First of all, I am not Roland Hemmond but I materialized in this form because I am just an abstract idea that no human can understand. You can call me God but I am much more than that. Secondly, I would like to apologize…that lightning was meant for the Minnesota Twins flight but that's what happens when you task an intern with serious business."
"Unfortunately, I can't reverse this unless you do something for me first. You must win the 1919 World Series. As you can see, we are in Cincinatti and it is 1919. The 1919 Chicago White Sox are lying in a smoldering heap of aircraft wreckage in 2011. Not only can you save the franchise's history, you can also save the reputations and souls of the players on the 1919 team. The Reds players, umpires and fans see Chick Gandil, Buck Weaver and Ed Cicotte etc…but really it is Konerko, Morel and Floyd with your 2011 capabilities. You should have no problem with the Reds but don't take them for granted."
(Ozzie and Joey Cora in the foreground)
Just then, everyone noticed a commotion occurring in Reds dugout, one of the players appeared to be jumping out of his fucking skin. "Oh yeah, one more thing…for extra incentive…I put Nick Swisher in the body of Greasy Neale. If you beat the Reds his soul is banished into eternal damnation. Have fun, I have to go tell Swish whats going on before he strokes out."
After a few minutes of collective realization that this was actually happening, Kid Gleason/Ozzie Guillen got the team together for a peptalk. "Reemember tuh leeeve yuhr gluves in feeuld. Fock reputashuns ahv 1919 Whyte Soax! Fock ow soulez! Etuhrnal Dumbnation ohn tree! 1…2…3!"
"Hellz yeah mother fuckers, I get to be the greatest hitter of all time," smugs Pierre. Q thinks it's unfair he has to be Nemo Leibold.
At that point, Roland Hemmond had already informed Swisher of the gravity of the situation but not being able to take anything seriously (even with ownership of his soul on the line) he gave Dutch Ruther a shaving cream pie to the face and lit the shoelaces of Heinie Groh on fire.
Needless to say, the Sox sweep the Reds in 5 games, despite unusual energetically gritty play from Greasy Neale. The sportswriters who had heard that a fix was on and were watching very fucking closely, found several anomalies worth noting but nothing that would suggest any of the players were throwing the Series.
Although, they did suspect Ray Schalk of taking money from gamblers because his K rate for the series was astronomical compared with his norm…they had never seen him hack away at so many pitches out of the zone and he couldn't throw any runners out on stolen base attempts. They had never seen Joe Jackson bunt for so many base hits, Cicotte didn't use one shine-ball but his hook was working better than it had since 1913, Collins didn't steal any bases but his power numbers spiked, Lefty Williams had never chewed tobacco until this series and he debuted a new breaking ball never seen before, Liebold hit as many homeruns in the World Series as he had all season, Chick Gandil wasn't such a bitch and his team rallied around his leadership on several occasions, Happy Felsch seemed withdrawn and sulky and Buck Weaver looked a little unsure of himself but even keel. The only thing that didn't really change much was the mouth on Kid Gleason.
(Swish in Hell)
After a Schlitz celebration and watching Swisher being thrown into the sky at the speed of sound, Roland Hemmond materialized before the team once again, "Alright, you've changed the trajectory of your franchise, you've saved the reputations of the 1919 White Sox and have put Swisher and Joe Jackson where they rightfully belong…its time to get back to 2011. There is no surety that you will be on the same team when you arrive back in 2011, the fabric of time is fragile. Good luck!"
When the team arrived back in 2011 they found themselves once again on their charter flight to Cleveland and most everyone was still on the team except oddly Clayton Richard (and his John Elway mouthbreather teeth) was on the plane acting as if everything was normal, Lillibridge was no where to be found (they even checked the overhead compartments) and Jake Peavy was throwing a side session in Florida for the Twain. They all thought to themselves…"This must be a team of fate."
After their road-trip to Cleveland and Kansas City they arrived back in Chicago for the Tampa series undefeated at 6-0. Hemmond was in the clubhouse on April 8th and didn't say much but gave the team a knowing wink. At BP they noticed 27 World Series Championship banners hanging from the poles (including 2005) and Joe Jackson's face on the left field wall next to Mickey Mantle's. The 2011 White Sox went on to become the first team to win two World Series in one year.
(For the 2011 parade, Ozzie busted out his old jacket and hat from 2005 for old times sake)
- No one knew who Kennesaw Mountain Landis was.
- The Braves never left Milwaukee.
- Bud Selig spent his career as a janitor at GE.
- the White Sox were the first to break the color barrier with a catcher by the name of Josh Gibson.
- Bill Veeck enjoyed a long career as Bozo on WGN and had no dealings in Major League baseball.
- Tito Landrum never made the big leagues.
- Astroturf was never invented.
- Andre Dawson stayed in Montreal for his whole career and lost the 1994 World Series to the White Sox led by Frank Thomas, Robin Ventura and Game 7 hero, Warren Newson.
- Disco never became a musical genre.
- Thurman Munson and Roberto Clemente enjoyed their respective retirements and continue to live to a ripe old age.
- Babe Ruth won 400 games as a starter for the Red Sox.
- Barry Bonds was found dead in 1997 with a syringe in his arm.
- Harry Carey sobered up and stayed on with the White Sox.
- Sammy Sosa was a male whore in the Dominican.
- Wrigley Field was demolished in 1988 and after playing in a refurbished Comiskey Park for a season, the Cubs opened up their state of the art facility in Schaumburg.
- the North Side of Chicago never got too hip to be square.
- the Oakland A's never wore white cleats.
- Donnie Hall took his contacts out every night and enjoyed a decent career.
- Fisk retired amicably after the 1994 season and is in the hall wearing a White Sox cap after collecting 4 World Series rings.
- Dick Allen retired with the White Sox and gave his HOF acceptance speech with a cigarette dangling from his lips (WU)
- Ventura never broke his ankle, spent his whole career on the southside and is the longtime hitting coach. Greg Walker sells shoes. (WU)
- Q never slapped his bat in 2008 and was the season and WS MVP in 2008. (bos)
- Frank Thomas never got divorced and was an integral part of the 2005 WS championship team. (bos)
- JFK and Martin Luther King, Jr. were never shot and Vietnam was a sortie rather a quagmire and the Sox had a three-time All-Star named Les Moore in the early 70's who would have been killed in Vietnam. (rhubarb)
Charles Comiskey V owns the team. Real Estate mogul Jerry Reinsdorf owns the Bulls and a piece of the Blackhawks. (67WMAQ)
SportsVision is one of the most valuable cable channels, on par with YES and MSG. (67WMAQ)
The Twins were contracted in 1998. The Sox greatest rival is the Seattle Pilots. (67WMAQ)
Comiskey Park underwent extensive renovations in the early 80s. It hosted the 2010 All Star Game in honor of its 100th anniversary. (67WMAQ)
Minnie Minoso married Marilyn Monroe, kept her off drugs and they had 12 babies. (craigws)
Bo Jackson never played football, never needed a hip replacement and hit the first of many homeruns entirely out of US Cellular onto the Dan Ryan. (Lizardo)
- After being beaned in the ribs by Astro pitcher Nolan Ryan, Robin Ventura charged the mound, easily got Ryan in a headlock and mistreated him like an OPOS in a nursing home. (Shinons)
- Ten-time World Series winner Nellie Fox is enshrined in the Hall in 1969, the same year as teammate Billy Pierce. That same year Al Lopez retires as the manager with the most World Series titles by far, having passed Connie Mack with his sixth in 1961. (ChiSoxRox)
- A different sperm swam through Ibis Guillen's fallopian tubes and fertilized her egg, creating a human being named Oney Guillen but not the one our world knows today. This sperm's genetic code was not incomplete or flawed but instead pristine and beautiful. This Oney Guillen wins the Pulitzer Prize for P's & Q's. (moroots)
- Joe Jackson is recognized by all as the greatest hitter of all-time and is enshrined in Cooperstown.