Times like these I wish I had Photoshop. I'd like to create for you a harrowing scene of red-bummed bears, and the dismal impact of single-ply upon arbor-nestled societies everywhere.
As we evolve into adulthood, we inevitably form brand loyalties, if not simply stand by products that entered our lives as children. Such is the case with Charmin and me. As you already know, Charmin is the top dog of toilet paper. I perceive it as a luxury grocery item; I admit it's far from a bear necessity (nyuk!), but still a justifiable purchase when on sale.
I recall hot summer days in Grant Park, working 11-hour days in a ticket booth at the Taste of Chicago, going well out of my way across the crowded park to utilize the fancy Charmin trailer rather than a transparent-papered stank-ass Honey Bucket closer to my ticket booth.
A gentleman greeter would lead me to the first available pooper, and inside waited for me a clean toilet and a TV running a loop of the cheery Charmin song. A TV in the port-o-john! Where would technology take us next, I wondered. On the screen, an exuberant and carefree cartoon bear leapt around the forest displaying the squeakiest-clean and softest bum for acres.
I've been that bear.
I've frolicked to the tune of a happy bum. But no more of that. Not at least for the next week while I painfully work through the regrettable purchase of a 12-pack of Charmin Basic.
Charmin Basic. Remember these words and avoid them at all costs. C. Basic is an embarrassment to a brand built on bear-approved softness. I thought the price was too good to be true, and turns out, I thought correctly. This crap is not only single-ply, but almost see-through like gauze. But please don't let that comparison mislead you into thinking Charmin Basic feels any softer than 60-grit sandpaper.
For days now since my terribly misjudged purchase, I have approached the toilet cautiously. I want my toilet paper to hold marbles through running water. Basic makes me dread blowing my nose, let alone shifting my bowels. Or I'll be in public places like restaurants, bars, or community parks, and find that their toilet paper is actually better than the stuff I'm rolling at home. Tragic. I know.
Avoid Charmin Basic and save your asses, people. I wanted to bring this to everyone's attention because I believe in absorbency. I am passionate for softness and woven patterns and multi-plys and the un-chafed right of every man, woman and bear.
HEY YOU METH-HEDS!
If your name is bold and un-'x'ed, Paypal $45 to email@example.com as soon as you can.
Balance due date is approaching rapidly. Which reminds me, I should probably buy a plane ticket home.
Also let me know if you want to join the festivities - there is still time! Two weeks until final cash deposit, so speak up now if you want to come. Undecideds, let's get decisive-like, eh?
May 21st, 1:05 PM vs Dodgers
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