I'm sorry, but it has now hit rock bottom.
Sox fans, we are in a state of addiction to a bad baseball team. Normally people don't watch something so terrible without drinking (don't believe me; look at the North side for the last 100 years.) However, it is time for us to exorcise our demons, and come clean. I give you the seven steps to being a fan of the 2011 Chicago White Sox.
Step one-We admitted we were powerless over the lure of the fireworks. Yes every time someone from the White Sox hits a home run, we love to see the fireworks. When the Sox win, there are fireworks as well. We need to see them again, or we will never recover.
Step two-We turned our fandom over to a higher power. If you take a look at the hierarchy, Mayor Daley (and yes he is still the Mayor right now) is a Sox fan. Governor Quinn is a Sox fan. President Obama is a Sox fan. So one can only assume God is a Sox fan as well. God would never allow such a travesty to continue. Sure the Sox have the worst record in the league right now, but if we and the team turn over our fandom to God that surely will not happen anymore.
Step three-We made a moral inventory of ourselves as fans. The White Sox are our team through thick and thin. Sure things may be bad now, but remember that this is April and May, and for the last 4 years, April and May have royally sucked. But the two teams that are on top, we kicked their asses. Well maybe not, but we won. In fact the two loses at Progressive this year came at the hands of the Sox. Therefore, we will defeat the red faced laughing guy, and we will defeat the Blue Crown as well.
Step four-We are entirely ready to have our shortcomings removed by Kenny or Ozzie. This means that Juan Pierre needs to become a vendor for a week, as long as he doesn't drop anyone's money for beer. Gordon Beckham needs to take a field trip to Charlotte to remind him how he got here. AJ Pierzynski needs to play catch with the kids in the street, and sure Adam Dunn can be my first baseman...well I don't know if we're there yet. By the way, does Greg Walker count as a shortcoming?
Step five-Make a List of all those we harmed and be willing to make amends to them because at least they are trying. Carlos Quentin is playing well right now, and we called him names last year and the year before that too. Paul Konerko was equated to a Disney character by someone who me thinks runs this place. That wasn't so nice either, considering he is holding this team together with scotch tape with his home runs. I think that is it. Please add if you can think of anyone else.
Step six-Promise to make direct amends to our team wherever possible, meaning when they get their heads out of their "all in" asses. We will stop booing because booing is mean, but only if and when the White Sox stop playing like the sacks of shit we have been accustomed to seeing them play like for the last month or so.
Step seven-Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for Ozzie Guillen and His Merry Gang of Stonerods the power to carry that out. Look, once again, we need to pray because like MC Hammer said when I was a youngin, that's the way we make it today. Pray for the White Sox, and pray for the fans that have been damaged in this process. Including yours truly.
Final step-Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other White Sox fans who feel despair -If you see a fellow White Sox fan as upset as you and I, don't fault them. Spread these steps to them and allow them to feel the love of our fandom. Pick him and her up, and hold them close. Especially if she's cute. And tell them it's going to be OK. We are less than 35 games in, and the White Sox will find a way to surprise us all.
If that will be in a positive or negative way remains to be seen.
Let's go go go White Sox; we're with you all away.