A Twins Rant

So, I'm going to try and leave the cursing out of this one, just as a personal challenge. This is the only thing I can think of to do to manage my utter dispair and disgust with this team, particularly now (playing the Twins).

(Shrug). I don't know what to do anymore. It doesn't matter who we have on the mound, in the field, at the plate nor who they have....they always win. Nobodies, no names, know nothings (mugs, pugs and thugs) put on the Twins uniform and kill us. I'm tired of it. I'm more tired of the fact that the Sox just lie down and take it.

Oh, our Captain got hit in the face by a pitch? Eh, a home run makes up for it. Don't worry, we'll still lose the game. Even though it's in OUR ballpark. Oh, Liriano is statistically the worst pitcher in baseball right now? Don't worry, we'll still get no hit in one of the worst no-hitters of all time. Even though it's in OUR ballpark. Oh, we just got no-hit by a crap pitcher in our ballpark? Don't worry, we'll lie down and get run over in the next game, too. Oh, you've honestly got a player named Dinkleman in your starting lineup? Don't worry, he'll go 2 for 3 with a walk.

Ozzie says he wants to beat them? (Shrug). Okay, fine. Whatever. Stop kissing their fannies every single time they come to town or every time you go up there. "Well, dey have pretty goo ballclub. I neer count dem out cuz of de manager dey have and dey players dey got." Shut up. Maybe try, "We embarrass wit de way we play dem for 3 years. We need to go out and kick they marbles."

I hate Joe Mauer and his sideburns. I hate Justin Morneau and his arrogance and I *heart* his injuries. I hate Jason Kubel and his man boobies. I hate Michael Cuddyer, everything about him. I hate Liriano and his great peripheral stats and his stupid face. I hate Santa Clause the Manager. I hate Danny Valencia and his "I'm what Brent Morel was/is supposed to be!" nature. I hate that ball park and that they made it gorgeous. I hate Jim Thome and his ears. I hate Carl Pavano, that he's not the raging dbag he was with the Yankees, his refusal to follow any standards of decency and shave his damn upper lip. I hate Nick Blackburn and his sideburns. I hate that they can't keep anyone on that team healthy and still manage to humiliate us. Every. Single. Game.

Why is it the White Sox lie down for them. Every. Single. Game? I'm a fan - I get to have the emotional passion that players don't. I (especially me) get to be hyperbolic and stomp and scream and rant and rave. I get to have the feelings of dispair. The players don't. And I know, it's baseball, the even-keeled players tend to have more success because they can balance the good and the bad. No, it can't really be articulated, but you darn sure know it when you see it, and you can see the White Sox collectively shrug when it's time to play those fish-eaters. It makes me sick.

So, I hate every single thing about them. Homer hankies, those two idiots that shake hands after home runs, Burt, home runs over the baggie, their ugly, ugly, ugly uniforms, Carlos Gomez... I'd root for *anyone* over them. I do root for everyone over them - the Red Sox, Indians, Tigers, Yankees, A's, Braves, Rangers, Angels, Royals, Cardinals, 500-foot tall Osama, Rick Santorum, the Cubs... Heaven isn't where the White Sox win the WS every year, it's where the Twins go 0-162 and the Sox win the WS.

I hate the Twins. But you know what? I hate the White Sox even more lately.

Oh, and Jessy S? If you're reading this, I hope/know there's going to be a special place in Hell where Torii Hunter and Kurby spend time assaulting each other with rusty gardening tools while Justin Morneau is forced to watch, drooling in a corner (the assaults are of a sexually degrading nature, by the way). Asshole. Damn, and I almost made it without cursing (shrug).