35 Thoughts Not About Frank Thomas

I know, I know, I just did one of these last week. I was planning on not doing another one for awhile, but my mind was running wild tonight so I figured the hell with it, let’s do this. Without further ado, so I’ve been thinking…

…When I look at tomorrow’s boxscore, my eyes will see “Juan Pierre” but my mind will read “Not Dayan Viciedo.”

…I have a feeling when Alexei Ramirez loses out on the Gold Glove, some smartass blogger will point to his throwing error in the 14th inning as a mistake a gold glover would never make. And I will have all this time to prepare for it and still not have a word to say in Alexei’s defense.

…On this episode of Pitch Outs Gone Bad: overthrows, bobbles, and a Pierzysnki throw so bad you’ll want to see it again and again!

…After Mark Teahen hit that 9th inning, game-tying three run homer against the Nationals I went and stockpiled canned goods and duct tape just to be safe.

…Is it safe to call the career of Lance Broadway a bust? I don’t want to jump the gun on this.

…I would admit that I was dead wrong about Paul Konerko going into this season but I feel that would be like talking during a no-hitter. You know what, let’s just move on.

…I’ve been trying to find something to compare Alex Rios’ demeanor to. An ironing board? Light post? Steel beam? I enjoy an outburst out of him every once in a while just so we know he has auto-pilot turned off.

...I spent probably 30 minutes getting Hawk’s “chopper two hopper” as my text message alert and it was worth every second of it. Plus if my roommates kill me anytime soon, you’ll know why.

…The brain trust behind the BP Crosstown Cup has to be scratching their heads. Has there ever been a more seemingly innocent idea that is so universally hated?

…Adam Dunn sat out the other day against the Cubs and managed to have his best game of the season!

…Quick, explain the significance of “96.1 innings pitched, 105 hits, 4 wins, 9 losses, 5.98 ERA.” (Think about it…) Yup, those are the stats of Fausto Carmona.

…If only Juan Pierre wasn’t playing so well. Then it would be a no-brainer to call up Dayan Viciedo.

…There has to be a few teams out there that wish Ramon Castro was their starting catcher.

…You know you have too much time on your hands when you’re watching The Club reruns but Randy Williams’ reaction to when Kenny Williams tried to punk him into thinking he didn’t make the team gets funnier every time. “Uncomfortable” doesn’t do it justice.

…I’m glad Jake Peavy came to Chicago because now I have a term for when the Sox are playing poorly and I’m pacing around my living room, shouting obscenities and muttering grammatically incorrect sentences that make less and less sense: Peavy Mode!

…Obligatory Joe West is a terrible person thought. I’m long overdue. My apologies.

…Brent Morel is perfect for hitting in the two-hole because no one will even realize he is there.

…I cannot get a feel for Sergio Santos. Every time I think he’s primed to nail a game down, he implodes, and when I sense collapse, he gets the save. At least Bobby Jenks was predictable.

…It’s like Omar Vizquel knows it’s funny that he’s being used as a pinch runner so he just goes out there to make the best of it.

…I wish Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith would put on their sunglasses and do that flashy mind eraser thing to Gordon Beckham. He is overthinking his overthinking at this point. (Apparently the flashy-thing is called a neuralyzer. I love the internet.)

…Carlos Quentin must lead the league in Just Missed It’s.

…When people call in to Chris Rongey’s show and ask for his opinion on something, do they actually care what he thinks or do they just want to hear their voice on the radio?  These are the things I worry about at night.

…Edwin Jackson’s slider is either an unhittable now you see me, now you don’t or it’s served on a platter in the heart of the plate. There is no in-between.

…Do you think A’s fans are kicking themselves that they let Phil Humber get away? Or are they like the rest of America and have no clue who Phil Humber is?

…Watching a struggling Jason Werth bat leadoff makes me feel a little better about life.

…I’m pretty sure Ozzie Guillen and the coroner from CSI: New York are the only two people who wear those snap together glasses.

…Drew Stubbs beat Adam Dunn to 100 strikeouts? I really did not think it was possible to strikeout more than Dunn. I’m stunned. Give me a second; I need to go lie down… And we’re back.

…It’s almost halfway through the season and I’m just now getting used to seeing the “SOX” on the sleeve of the away gray uniforms. Now if I can just get myself to see the “SOX” on Adam Dunn and not have the Macaulay Culkin "Kevin! You spent $967 on room service?” look on my face.

…I wonder what Mark Teahen’s dog has been up to. That dog is something else. I’ve been trying to get my dog to tweet for me and it’s as challenging as you would imagine it to be.

…That last joke was as forced as Joe Cowley’s “Soxtown” antics. Seriously, what is he trying to accomplish?

…Did the Twins know what they were getting in Tsuyoshi Nishioka? I can’t figure this one out. It seems very un-Twinslike. The guy can’t do anything.

…Here’s a conspiracy theory: Scot Gregor is GoGo SOx. 

...Is it wrong that I was legitimately angry at Casey McGehee for turning down the opportunity to run over Joe Mauer on a play at the plate? Is this something I should bring up at confession?

…I must be honest: I don’t give a damn how good the Royals prospects are. They are still the Royals. (I’ll probably live to regret this.)

…Kenny Williams Jr. is batting .206 for Birmingham. Question: After Williams Jr. hits the ball, does Rick Hahn’s son run the bases for him?

Sox fan, Here!,

Pete Fitzgerald