Getting Back on Track: An Offseason Plan for Adam Dunn

by big_fun on Aug 31, 2011 5:44 PM CDT

December: The White Sox trade hitting coach Greg Walker and RP Dexter Carter to the Padres for roving hitting instructor Rob Deer.

January: Using hypnosis and mental conditioning, Deer breaks Adam Dunn down to an infantile state, then begins to build him up from scratch with total confidence in his core skills.

February: Herm Schneider takes DNA from Richie Sexson, Jose Hernandez, Cecil Fielder, and other hitters and incorporates it, Serpentor-style, into Dunn’s DNA.

March: Dunn sits out all of spring training to give his spleen, gall bladder, duodenum, etc. plentiful rest so as to avoid injury during the season.

April-September: Dunn breaks multiple records while hitting 100 home runs, drawing 100 walks, and striking out 450 times in 650 plate appearances, for a triple slash line of .182/.307/.727. He becomes the first in baseball history to go a full season without putting a ball in play.

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Comments

that's like a .415 wOBA!

So fast he could hit a ball up the middle and it would hit him in the ass sliding into second.

by colintj on Aug 31, 2011 9:25 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs

You're right.

This is big fun.

boom. pot roast. leftovers? -keystone connection

by Uribe Down on Sep 1, 2011 2:35 AM CDT reply actions

November: Dunn loses some of that fucking weight he's added over the past year.

Lose some weight, FATTY!!!!

To my knowledge, certain things were not known.
-James Murdoch

by 2ndHalfAdjustments on Sep 1, 2011 9:43 AM CDT reply actions 1 recs

So much for fun.

Whales! Squids! Sharks! They're everywhere! Hello, I am Poseidon! Now, when people told me I was crazy that thinly sliced roast beef would be a delicious fast-food option, I knew it was the greatest idea, and you can thank me later for Arby's.

by Jim Margalus on Sep 1, 2011 10:26 AM CDT up reply actions 5 recs