Xanax, prozac, zoloft, help someone, I need help. And screw you McCartney for playing at the dump at Clark and Addison.
My friends, I am only here to help with what we can do with the rest of the summer. Things we can do while we are waiting for the White Sox to win 5 out of the next 7 to get them 1 game over and 2.5 games back, just to watch them plummet back to the crapper, as they are so eloquently doing right now. In fact, we will call this, the South Side Family Fun Fair.
Here are seven ways we can forget the misery, and have fun again.
1-"Pin the Tail of the Donkey." Yes that is correct. Find one of the animals that Buehrle killed, chop off its tail, and nail it on Dunn's ass blindfolded. Sure it might be messy, but hey everyone loves a party.
2-"Dunk the catcher." Instead of AJ sitting behind the plate, have him sit in a water tank and try to dunk him. This way, if it's a passed ball or wild pitch, no one really gets hurt. Plus it's become painfully obvious all base runners get a free pass with him behind the dish, so you might as well make an event out of the thing.
3-"Beat Jake Peavy."-Pitch against this tough ass bulldog. Can you beat him? Most likely not, but wait until after he throws seven innings, and I guarantee you can win your own Jerry Owens doll
4-"Bean the Swish"-I know I know, he's not in the south side, but when those Yankees come into town you have your chance to bobble that head a little bit more by knocking this nuisance off his feet, and you will win your very own Swisher bobble head which is the perfect compliment to getting that golf swing working.
5-"Get the Ball in Rios glove", a game of skill my friends. All you have to do is throw the ball in Alex Rios mitt. I promise he will not move so it should be an easy task. He never really does. This is a great party game for you and all your friends.
6-"Where's Dayan?" Another game that takes brain power and skill. Look in the field at the Cell and ask the question "where's Dayan?" What? You can't find him. Well, first one that does will receive their very own Cuban cigar and most likely that would be larry because he is always the first to know what is going on with those minor leaguers.
7-And finally everyone's favorite "how many footsteps to Miami from Chicago?" Another great guessing game where you can guess how long exactly it will take Ozzie Guillen to walk to the team he will most likely be managing next year.
Final thought: Someone pinch me, I need to wake up. This really can't be a White Sox season can it? Oh my stomach hurts. I guess so. It's just the annual rollercoaster ride; the hills got bigger this year. My bad! Perhaps, I'm a cat because I have been fan murdered more times than once. Either way, I don't know how to say this but, thank God football is back. Maybe the good White Sox will come back soon too. We can only hope friends, we can only hope.