Presidential Wrestling League
by boyonthedock on Sep 1, 2011 6:49 PM CDT
Email
Print
A Royal rumble between our great nations most electable wrestlers. The rules are as follows:
Two wrestlers in the ring initially, and the remaining participants are introduced in order in 90 second intervals, rather than all beginning at the same time. In addition, to be eliminated, a wrestler must be thrown over the top rope, with both feet touching the floor.
Presidents level of fitness is determined by their tenure as president, not their primes as physical specimens. There will be 2 grover clevelands competing
Entrance order is determined randomly, not by order in which they took office.
The contestants are as follows:
George Washington "Carver" age: 57
move: The Cherry Chopper
John "Alien" Adams age: 62
move: The Boston Massacre
Tom "The Declaration" Jefferson age: 58
move: The Louisiana Purchase
James "Mad Man" Madison age: 58
move: The Embargo
"Gentleman Jim" Monroe age: 59
move: The Monroe Doctrine
John "Q!" adams age: 58
move: Era of Bad Feelings
Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson age:62
move: The Trail of Tears
Martin "The Little Magician" Van Buren age: 55
move: The Barnburner
"Hollywood" William Henry Harrison age: 68
move: The Innaugarater
John "His Ascendency" Tyler age:51
move: The Successor
James "Young Hickory" Polk age: 50
move: The Napolean Stumper, or The Wilmot Proviso
"Ol' Rough and Ready" Zachary Taylor age:65
move: Santa Anna Winds
MIllard "Mallard" Filmore age: 50
move: The Piledriver
Franklin "Dough Face" Pierce age 49
move: The Missouri Compromise
James "The Worst" Buchanon age: 66
move: The Failure to Prevent the Civil War
Abe "Railsplitter" Lincoln age: 52
move: The Emancipation Proclamation
Andrew "The Assassin" Johnson age: 57
move: The Impeachment
Ulysses "The General" Grant age: 47
move: The Reconstruction
Rutherford "Willie Mays" Hayes age: 55
move: The Electoral College
James "Fat Cat" Garfield age:50
move: The Chokeslam
Chester "The Champion" Arthur age: 52
move: The Chester A. Arthritis
Grover Cleveland "Alexander" age: 48
move: The Spitball
Benjamin "Beardy" Harrison age: 56
move: The Soup Saver
Grover "The Great" Cleveland age: 56
move: The Non-consecutive Term, The Cleveland Steamer
William "Mount" Mckinley age: 54
move: The Gold Standard
Teddy "Roughrider" Roosevelt age: 43
move: The Big Stick, or The Trustbuster
William Howard "The Giant" Taft age: 52
move: The Chief Justice, or The Tub Filler
Woodrow "Woody" Wilson age: 57
move: The Fourteen Points
Warren "The G-Man" Harding age: 56
move: The Teapot Dome
"Silent Cal" Coolidge age:51
move: The Attitude Adjustment
2. Herbert "Hard Times" Hoover (h/t Teahenny Penny) age: 54
move: The Great Depression, or The Stock Market Crash
Franklin "Wheels" Roosevelt age: 51
move: The Crippler Crossface
Harry "The Buck Stopper" Truman age: 61
move: The Atomic Bomb, The Habberdasher
DwIght D. "Ike" Eisenhower age: 63
move: The Military-Industrial Suplex
John F. "Dead" Kennedy age: 44
move: Tombstone Piledriver, or the California Uber Alles, or The Government Flu, or The Cuban Missile
Lyndon "The Southern Dandy" Johnson age 55
move: The Senate Majority Whip, or The War on Poverty, or The Tet Offensive
"Tricky Dick" Nixon age: 56
move: The Deep Throat, or The Saturday Night Massacre
Gerald "The Wolverine" Ford age:61
move: The Pardon, or The Pratfall
Jimmy "The Georgia Peanut" Carter age: 53
move: The Gas Crisis, or the Nobel War Prize
Ronald "Jellybean" Reagan age: Fucking 70
move The Great Communicator, or Mourning in America
"Gorgeous" George H. W. Bush age:65
move The Thousand Points of Light
"Slick Willie" Clinton age: 47
move: The Whitewater, or The Definition of 'Is'
George "The Decider" Bush age: 55
move: Mission Accomplished, or The Preztel Face
1. Barack "The Flyin' Hawaiian" Obama age: 48
move: Hope and Change, the Congressional Gridlock, The Terrorist Fist Jab
That took a while. I'll put up a poll after i hear if anyone cares or has better ideas.
SouthSideSox is a community driven site. As such, users are able to express their thoughts and opinions in a FanPost, such as this one, which represents the views of this particular fan, but not necessarily the entire community or SouthSideSox editors.
72 comments
|
15 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
just went down the list, and i don't think i did
which one?
"Sportsmanship is just loser talk for losing."
can't have a presidential RR w/o gore
bloodlust is essential
So fast he could hit a ball up the middle and it would hit him in the ass sliding into second.
robots can't be presidents
So fast he could hit a ball up the middle and it would hit him in the ass sliding into second.
i think it becomes problematic when distinguishing between cyborg and out and out robot
but also if you’re gonna make that distinction you’re gonna have to go back in history for a lot of presidents. the Dulles bros. for Kennedy. tail end of Reagan years. however long Nucky Thompson-types ran Washington pre-FDR and post, what, Grant? etc.
So fast he could hit a ball up the middle and it would hit him in the ass sliding into second.
Let's keep it simple and add Cheney and Gore
Gore’s move is the “Greenhouse Internet Effect” and Cheney’s “The 12-Gauge Constituiton”
Can women enter?
Edith Wilson ran the country after her husband’s stroke.
by dtv on Sep 2, 2011 9:59 AM CDT up reply actions
how can you have Cheney and Gore?
So fast he could hit a ball up the middle and it would hit him in the ass sliding into second.
This question is ridiculous considering the circumstances.
Bush shouldn’t have been President but when he was, he wasn’t. See?
so, what, Nixon and Andrew Jackson get a mulligan
while Dewey and Henry Clay gets to throw chairs at folks from outside the ring?
So fast he could hit a ball up the middle and it would hit him in the ass sliding into second.
i kind of see Jimmy Carter as the mouth of the south
Slick Willie’s manager
I live in a simpler place. I speak the language. ~ U-God
My money is on Jackson
small, but a legitmate mad man who may have been half mad from lead poisoning due to the bullett lodged in his shoulder from a duel. His reputaton for fighting at the drop of a hat is certainly the best of any President and it is said that he could intimidate his enemies by simply using feigned temper tantrums. Plus anybody who can stand, calmly reload and shoot and kill a man in a duel after being shot in the chest is chicago tough.
Lincoln was basiclly a professional wrestler in his youth. Traveling down the Missippi, he participated in tough man contests and almost always won, or at least his buddies claimed he did after he was elected President. I think Jackon’s crazy probably wins.
Teddy Roosevelt was something of a fraud. He created the image of being this bad ass outdoorsman to compensate for a lack of coordination and respitory problems.
Roosevelt was shot during a speech, finished the speech, then went to the hospital
thats not fraudish
Joe Buck is just White Noise to me. It’s like the game is being called by a CD of whale songs. - mechanical turk
Pshaw..
From the October 15th, 1912 Detroit Free Press:
" Col. Roosevelt refused to allow doctors to examine him at first. Later, doctors made an examination of the wound and announced “Col. Roosevelt is suffering from a superficial flesh wound. Bleeding was insignificant. He soon traveled on to the Auditorium where he
was scheduled to give a speech.”
A real man would never have allowed Doctors to examine him at any point.
its just a flesh wound!
Joe Buck is just White Noise to me. It’s like the game is being called by a CD of whale songs. - mechanical turk
Jackson survived numerous duels
When he walked people joked he sounded like a bag of marbles. I would pay anything to see that fight. Both men were badass
by notoneyguillen on Sep 2, 2011 8:15 AM CDT up reply actions
lol
Pretty Good
"Rooting for the Twins is just a roundabout way of rooting for a first-round playoff bye for the Yankees." by big_fun
Robots With Feelings did something like this.
http://robotswithfeelings.com/2010-04-16/the-presidential-beatdown-round-1
"Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.'"
similar, but wheres the pagaentry?
the storylines? the finishing moves?
"Sportsmanship is just loser talk for losing."
by boyonthedock on Sep 1, 2011 10:48 PM CDT up reply actions
It turns into a five part series.
"Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.'"
Franklin "Wheels" Roosevelt has me, uhhh... rolling.
boom. pot roast. leftovers? -keystone connection
his and eisenhowers moves are my favorites
"Sportsmanship is just loser talk for losing."
by boyonthedock on Sep 1, 2011 10:48 PM CDT up reply actions
I was nearly in tears laughing at that.
"I considered throwing a volley, but since I'm considerably closer to Ford City than Dodge City, I figure it might have been misinterpreted."
I can't believe he took him out that fast, Mean Gene!
I live in a simpler place. I speak the language. ~ U-God
by e-gus on Sep 2, 2011 1:11 AM CDT reply actions 7 recs
one down
Joe Buck is just White Noise to me. It’s like the game is being called by a CD of whale songs. - mechanical turk
This is fucking glorious.
A presidential slobberknocker!
"I considered throwing a volley, but since I'm considerably closer to Ford City than Dodge City, I figure it might have been misinterpreted."
lol @ the tub filler.
its going to take a lot to get him over the top rope.
Kenwo4life=ratings. Just call me Mr. USA Today.
I drew random lots for a running order.
your not supposed to reveal that ahead of time, right? [Tupacs “Changes” blares over the speakers] but the first man in the ring is just plain unlucky, so its fitting that it happened to be Mr. Barrack Obama. It should be tough to outlast this murderers row of athletes, considering many of them are actually murderers. The Flyin’ Hawaiian is Chicago tough, however, and you won’t hear any complaining from him. Obama stalks the ring and awaits his first opponent. whats that I hear? is that?…yes, its “Jeepers Creepers” and HERE COMES HERBERT HOOVER BLASTING TOWARD THE RING
"Sportsmanship is just loser talk for losing."
a james k polk conversation once got me laid
one of my finer moments
brndnprkns: I'm pretty sure the "badass" value of your life is closer to Gigli than The Dark Knight
damn
what hasn’t OB done for your career?
So fast he could hit a ball up the middle and it would hit him in the ass sliding into second.
made me realize that i should go after smart girls
brndnprkns: I'm pretty sure the "badass" value of your life is closer to Gigli than The Dark Knight
by whitesoxmatt on Sep 2, 2011 10:33 AM CDT up reply actions
Did you ask her who the 11th president was and then start poking her repeatedly?
Cuz girls love that shit.
"Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.'"
Pity it wasn't Zachary Taylor
You could have said, “I gave her the ol’ rough and ready”
by notoneyguillen on Sep 2, 2011 9:31 AM CDT up reply actions 3 recs
Or Teddy
An earmark of a good conversation is if you can bring up that person x was a commanding officer of the rough riders.
by notoneyguillen on Sep 2, 2011 10:20 AM CDT up reply actions
Do you think Joe Cowley is a William "Mount" Mckinley guy?
I think the yellow journalism of the times would fit his persona.
i think he woulda ended up being crucified on that cross of gold
So fast he could hit a ball up the middle and it would hit him in the ass sliding into second.
minus the evolution bit
he fell ass-backward into a sort of Benjamin Strong-style central banking initiative that might not have been such a bad thing for the country given the deflation it went through post-Grant. or so i recall from what i’ve read.
So fast he could hit a ball up the middle and it would hit him in the ass sliding into second.
let him throw chairs from outside the ring
So fast he could hit a ball up the middle and it would hit him in the ass sliding into second.
Maybe this should be presidential loser wrestlemania
Bob Dole vs WJB
by notoneyguillen on Sep 2, 2011 10:29 AM CDT up reply actions
Dole's Finisher:
The Peanut Butter Sandwich
So fast he could hit a ball up the middle and it would hit him in the ass sliding into second.
Bob Dole:
The Bob Dole.
The policeman who jumps from a bridge to a plane is Detective John McClane, a.k.a. Bruce Willis. He’s just the star of the whole movie series and stuff, no big deal or anything. -Cruiser
by Uribe Down on Sep 2, 2011 1:28 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
I can't believe you forgot W's signature move
The Hanging Chad
by moroots on Sep 2, 2011 8:55 AM CDT reply actions 4 recs
'the supreme court decision' 'the floridian gorefest'
by craigws on Sep 2, 2011 9:21 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
the accidental buchanan?
So fast he could hit a ball up the middle and it would hit him in the ass sliding into second.
by colintj on Sep 2, 2011 10:05 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
'The Pretzel Choke'
Bears. Bulls. White Sox.
by The Voiss on Sep 2, 2011 2:41 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Carter's move has to be "The Hostage Figure-4".
Or “The Iranian Tease”.
Johnson’s is “The Civil Rights Equalizer”.
Nixon’s is “The Undead” (3-time loser wins Presidency").
FDR is “The Fireside Fists of Fury” or “The Axis Annihilator”.
"MY NAME IS YOANIS CESPEDEZ YOU KILLED MY FATHER" WHAT!
by winningugly on Sep 2, 2011 9:45 AM CDT reply actions 4 recs
nixon
The Smoking Gun
The Fiat Fist
The Wage Freeze
The Chinese Opener
by moroots on Sep 2, 2011 10:17 AM CDT up reply actions 4 recs
The Wage Freeze is outstanding.
Also The Energy Embargo.
"MY NAME IS YOANIS CESPEDEZ YOU KILLED MY FATHER" WHAT!
FDR should be The Debaser
musical accompaniment becomes obvious.
So fast he could hit a ball up the middle and it would hit him in the ass sliding into second.
Reagan:
The Communist Collapser
The Iron Curtain Obliterator
"MY NAME IS YOANIS CESPEDEZ YOU KILLED MY FATHER" WHAT!
Air traffic controller annihilator?
Nancy’s numb suckle nitwit? (post presidency of course)
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we have a full tank of gas, 1/2 pack of cigarettes...it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
numbskull
stupid speel check (not a typo)
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we have a full tank of gas, 1/2 pack of cigarettes...it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
well I was a teenager at the time of his pres
so there’s that
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we have a full tank of gas, 1/2 pack of cigarettes...it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
John Adams: The XYZ Affair
Whales! Squids! Sharks! They're everywhere! Hello, I am Poseidon! Now, when people told me I was crazy that thinly sliced roast beef would be a delicious fast-food option, I knew it was the greatest idea, and you can thank me later for Arby's.
poor Abigail
So fast he could hit a ball up the middle and it would hit him in the ass sliding into second.
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Recommended FanPosts
Recent FanPosts
FanShots
Quick hits of video, photos, quotes, chats, links and lists that you find around the web.
Recent FanShots
In Association With
Big League Stew - MLB - Yahoo! Sports
- College player makes impossible over the fence catch to save tournament game (Video)
- Security!: Camden Yards guard collides with Royals’ Mike Moustakas
- The Juice: Nelson Cruz matches career high eight RBIs, Pujols stays hot in Seattle
- Benches clear at Fenway as Red Sox-Rays rivalry heats up
- Keeping good company: Albert Pujols becomes fourth-youngest player to hit 450 home runs
