Dog Days Are Over
I am not Prince Fielder. This perhaps the most obvious statement I've ever written on this site. I am not a talented baseball player. I do not weigh more than 200 lbs. I am not African-American. I did not come from an unstable family. But most importantly when it comes to the point I am trying to make in this article, I do not seem to have good years in the odd numbered seasons.
"So, how you feelin'? the doc says. "Numb" I say back. He chuckles a bit, tells me you can't fell numb, 'cause numb means you can't feel. You can't feel numb, you can only be numb, he tells me. He goes on, talkin' some dopey bullshit about my dressing, about itching, about keepin' it dry. But I wasn't payin' attention no more. Funny thing, my brain got locked on those two words: Be numb. Be numb. Be numb. Like some guru mantra, or a goddamn irregular heartbeat. Be numb. Be numb. Be numb. Good advice.
Honestly, I can't remember much from the end of the 2009 season. When I decided to ride my bike to work the morning of August 23rd, I inadvertently made the decision to destroy my right arm for the next half year. This combined with the beginning of my final lap around Champaign led to a bit of a funk and a lot of drinking. The Sox crapped away the season by going 16-23 from that point on. The Sox picked up Alex Rios on waivers and sent Jim Thome and Jose Contreras out west. I had multiple surgeries, became left-handed and unemployed, and lived in a dark place until New Year's. The winter had started with my fantastic case of encephalitis and as such, I spent more days in the hospital in one year than I had cumulatively in my life to that point. Around the end of the season, I distinctly remember pledging to make it through the year if it killed me.
An artist's depiction of the 2009 season.
Now is the part where you've probably realized this is not analysis in almost any form. 2011 has sucked. The season started with promise: new free agent acquisitions and an insanely high payroll/promising summer job and moving home with being able to spend time with my girlfriend. Things fell apart. The centre could not hold. My right shoulder decided to frequently attempt to secede from the Union (a new name for my torso?). I learned that I had the vet school equivalent of a baseball marriage. I wound up hating my job (that might be a tremendous understatement). A family member was diagnosed with ureter cancer. And the White Sox kind of decided to suck ass.
Baseball, like most hobbies and forms of entertainment, has been about escapism to me. That's not so easy when the team sucks. The team continues to trend downwards and I continue to live in Kansas. So it goes. But hey, the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad season is almost over. Sorry for the random articles and the increased hostility. I'm working some shit out. God, please give us an interesting/better offseason.
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Please see a therapist
or come out of the closet. Before it’s too late. (And by “too late” I mean before you write another FanPost.)
"MY NAME IS YOANIS CESPEDEZ YOU KILLED MY FATHER" WHAT!
by winningugly on Sep 15, 2011 2:10 PM CDT reply actions 2 recs
Pretty sure that picture could apply to this season, too.
Cheer up, bucko.
To my knowledge, certain things were not known.
-James Murdoch
by 2ndHalfAdjustments on Sep 15, 2011 2:31 PM CDT reply actions
good luck to you
Sometimes you’re the hammer and sometimes you’re the nail. And sometimes you have nails in your arm.
Go be a hammer.
I shant be misled a second time
Sometimes you eat the bar
And sometimes, well…
It’s not robbing Peter to pay Paul — it’s bludgeoning Peter to death, and then realizing on the way back that you forgot to grab his wallet.
He fixes the cable?
The policeman who jumps from a bridge to a plane is Detective John McClane, a.k.a. Bruce Willis. He’s just the star of the whole movie series and stuff, no big deal or anything. -Cruiser
Don't be fatuous, Teahenny.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Thanks, Victor.
Trying to score runs with Juan Pierre as your leadoff hitter is like trying to suture a wound in a moving car. You might still be successful -- but why make it so hard on yourself?
I'm sorry for you
and I hope things improve faster than the White Sux prospects (their youngin’s and their divisional chances) the next 2-3 years.
LeBron James: Which of His Blessings would you deny?
that guy with the screws in his arm
is blocking my view of his basement. Can’t tell how many empty beer cans he shotgunned, what band posters are on his wall, if he has a radiator or central heating and air, (since it’s a basement, I’m assuming a radiator) and what color sheets he has.
"keep a weather eye on the horizon, dearest captain of the douche canoe" - BJ
That's a doctor's office.
"Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.'"
i don't think it's a good idea to go to a doctor whose office is a basement. could explain some of your issues.
by larry on Sep 15, 2011 5:39 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions 3 recs
Oh please.
I go to Dr. Lizardo’s all the time and I turned out…
Oh.
The policeman who jumps from a bridge to a plane is Detective John McClane, a.k.a. Bruce Willis. He’s just the star of the whole movie series and stuff, no big deal or anything. -Cruiser
I though the title meant he'd quit vet school.
Trying to score runs with Juan Pierre as your leadoff hitter is like trying to suture a wound in a moving car. You might still be successful -- but why make it so hard on yourself?
i thought it meant he'd killed some dogs
by larry on Sep 15, 2011 5:47 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
Or found a woman?
Trying to score runs with Juan Pierre as your leadoff hitter is like trying to suture a wound in a moving car. You might still be successful -- but why make it so hard on yourself?
by Chiburb on Sep 15, 2011 5:59 PM CDT up reply actions 2 recs
holy christ. i thought most of my 2011 sucked utter balls.
um, thanks?
I love seasons too. That's why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones.
Ouch!
In the early 80’s a good friend of mine rolled his jeep in the Florida Keys. Of course he wasn’t wearing his seat belt and was thrown out of his seat just enough to have the roll bar crush his leg, resulting in a compound fracture. Because of the gravel was made from coral the Doc couldn’t put a normal cast on. Remembering that his vet used a halo on his dogs broken leg he modified a neck halo to hold my friends leg together while the flesh healed. Luckily his leg healed and was back to normal in about 6-8 months.
Hang in there.
"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it." - Mark Twain
it gets better!
Easy chief
We’re a community - Tdogg
by Jack M on Sep 15, 2011 6:52 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
brake with the left hand first
then the right – that way you stay on the bike
by hoodlight on Sep 16, 2011 12:39 PM CDT via mobile reply actions

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