FanPost

RRRR: Youthful buzz-reaping

Blarrgffgghhhhf. Is it springtime yet? Feels like I'm experiencing full-body atrophy right now. I need to stretch just to stretch.

After spending the entirety of summers frolicking outdoors, it's my standard response in the off-seasons ("winter", if you will) to remain in the fetal position indoors until spring - and baseball - reappears. Sure, I'll surf the occasional cold wave or throw a rainy-day disc here or there; but aside from bowling* and walking between my car and my office on weekdays**, I admit that there is no regular exercise in my life during the winter months. Nary a bead of salty sweat shed from my brow!

I usually make it to spring without much nagging or retaliation from my body. But not this year, boy. Apparently I've crossed that age where I'm now on a steep physical decline. I suppose this should come as no surprise. After all, we established on SSS well over three years ago, that I am depreciating rapidly. (Thanks, recently-fixed search function!)

I suddenly need to perform regular upkeep on this ol' flesh machine, else I'm achy. My metabolism is still kicking ass, but my lower back - not so much. And it doesn't appear that this is something I can solve with duct tape, like most of my aging vehicular issues. Nor with booze, like most of my aging emotional issues.

Speaking of dranks. Allow me now to stretch... so that I can then stretch - way back! - to the topic of Butt Chugging. That's an exercise, right? Sounds exhausting.

I read an article a couple months ago about this crazy craze that features young females stuffing liquor-soaked tampons into their hoohahs. The equivalent for boys, is called butt-chugging. I mean, it's not that crazy I guess. We all know it's a direct route to the bloodstream. And it certainly eliminates the need for mints or gum to disguise liquor on the breath of the under-aged. Clearly these kids are being practical and prudent with their buzzes.

Of course, what I retained most from that article, was the doctor's quote about how this practice will LITERALLY DESTROY THE VAGINA.
I love the use of literally in this quote, paired with the verb destroy. Like that vodka-soaked tampon is the equivalent to sticking a rabid wombat up your cha-cha.

I refuse to try these things myself, as I don't wish to literally destroy any ladyparts. But I am still amused by the pondering of it. Kids, amirite? And just think - as a woman, I'm totally capable of ordering a double!

*No. No, I do not actually consider bowling to be exercise.

**Nor is a half-mile walk, I realize.

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