The Steepest of Molehills


The sheer velocity of the climb has been dizzying for the unwashed masses. When people are not accustomed to such thinly oxygenated air they usually begin to not think too clearly and start acting like uninformed lunatics. If your climb to the summit is faster than the team's then brain cells will become necrotic and the neighboring cells will become apoptotic, experiencing a programmed cell death and soon you will expire. Take it easy and go slow.

So, while watching the 2012 White Sox traverse their way across the summer Sun like Venus, just allow them lead the way; one day at a time. They were born in the mountains of professional expectation. They are the fucking Sherpa's shouldering the load as they trudge their way across each col, they breathe easy at such heights and are far more equipped for the ascent than you ever will be.

If you find yourself pondering or questioning in your own mind such things listed below, I have the answers that you seek:

Q. Should Quintana or Humber stand in victory upon fifth starters spot or should the White Sox just go to a six-man rotation when Danks comes back in order to allow Humber and Floyd to work through their struggles?

A. The White Sox management will make this decision based on far superior thought process and information than occurs on this blog, they have made this climb before, they are your guides. If you think Floyd is sent to the minors or is thrown into a bullpen role; you need to rapel down the mountain by yourself and get some fresh air or your going to pass out and possibly die.

Q. Should KW trade for Youklis or Headley?

A. You're so close to the top of the world that you can touch the stars. Throw yourself off the mountain now. If I nicknamed the folding chair in my garage, "Everest", would you climb upon it in triumph and stake your flag? I didn't think so, Youklis is a folding chair at this point and we already have one of those making its ascent through the minor leagues. In regards to Headley, there are very few people who can climb a 90 degree rock face with no rope, no anchors, no caribiners or even no talcum powder. KW just might be one of those guys but certainly not blindfolded with his arm tied behind his back on a soupy slope. You might want to start thinking about mole hills rather than mountains.

Q. In order to better position themselves for a bleak future, will the White Sox make another white flag trade if they are a few games out at the trade deadline?

A. Who cares? Since the answer to this question can be found sometime between now and July 31st this is almost like paying $50,000 for a blindfolded helicopter ride to the top of K2 but when you land you find yourself at base camp, with a Sherpa translator telling you that you must have misunderstood what he said.

Q. Should Lillibridge get more playing time, in order to get out of his slump?

A. The moon has mountains too.

The White Sox will either arrive triumphantly on the summit of the AL Central peak or they will die in a frozen ball, 100 yards from glory. Just try to enjoy each insanely leaden, trudging step on the path to the top since you've already made the somewhat superfluous decision to throw your energy into a riskily collective pipedream. Even if they DO reach that AL Central peak there is even more danger in getting back to base camp with most of your supplies depleted because there are frost trolls on the descent sabotaging your anchors and causing blizzards that don't allow for clear vision even 6 inches in front of your face. The odds are against us, more able climbers have failed miserably.

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