Is this really the most recent RRRR? I should check these things more often. Or ever.

Anyway, without further ado, I bring you

I guess I did say “rape” more than I remembered:
the harrowing tale of one turk’s attempt to post awesome things on Bleacher Report and the corpofascit villains who conspired to stop him
(based on true events)

First, some backstory: it was early 2011, and people hadn’t yet resumed saying Big Ben penetrated some defense without a hint of irony. Bleacher Report had recently or soon would promise to rid themselves of “irrelevant joke” status by claiming they’d up the quality of their postings. I was determined to sort of help them on this endeavor, hoping to post articles of my own creation on their website that were so bad they could only attain “relevant joke” status in response.

I don’t know if any of you have tried to sign up as an author for Bleacher Report before, but it turns out there is an actual application process. You don’t just type in fake user details and immediately start flooding the website with blog posts about how Derek Jeter is the greatest defensive shortstop ever because he can still make a jump throw despite his hands being weighed down by all those rings (count ’em)- you have to submit a sample of your writing.

This came as a total shock to me, because I had actually looked at things posted on Bleacher Report. But it was, and I assume still is, true. Some anonymous person on the other side of the internet reads what is submitted and then reenacts that scene from Gladiator. And then they accept or reject you, and that’s it.

I considered writing something that was sure to get me accepted, a well composed but ultimately empty piece on a timeless concern, like “Athletes make too much money” or something equally banal. But, somewhat annoyed that they’d question my, or anyone’s, credentials, I decided to give them something better. Something that would truly have it all: sex, lust, romance, forbidden love, and of course the most important thing of all, football.

Enough buildup! This is what it takes to get rejected by the worst sports site on the internet:

Despite beating the allegations of rape against him, Ben Roethlisberger still finds himself unfairly targeted as a rapist. The Steelers quarterback has been accused of sexual assault numerous times now, and many NFL fans seem to want to make loving the ladies a crime. Not all that coincidentally, many of these fans seem to support an NFL team which may give them ulterior motives for lashing out at the man known as Big Ben: the New York Jets.

Roethlisberger and his Steelers defeated the Jets last Sunday, knocking them out of the playoffs and leaving many Jets fans with a bitter taste in their mouths. Angry, these fans seek to remind everyone that Big Ben leaves bitter tastes in others mouths outside of the NFL season, too- but are they hypocrites?

Jets fans seem very quick to forget their own team’s history of unsolicited sexual proclivities, from current quarterback Mark Sanchez’s own rape allegations, to former Jets quarterback Brett Favre’s surprise digital sausage delivery to team employee Jenn Sterger. Even further back, in 2003, former Jets quarterback and honorary guest Broadway Joe Namath, after partaking in liberal consumption of libations at a game against the New England Patriots, found himself kissing a shocked Suzy Kolber on national television.

So why do Jets fans ignore a proven sexual assault by Broadway Joe but not mere allegations against Big Ben? As one Jets fan who wished to remain anonymous told this reporter, it was because "Broadway Joe brought home the [expletive] hardware," while "Big Ben is a no talent hack [series of expletives] who [expletives] helpless women like a [expletives] and he ain’t got no [expletive] ring."

Ah, but therein lies the rub- if Namath gets a pass on his youthful indiscretions because he’s won a Super Bowl, shouldn’t we extend Roethlisberger the same courtesy? Isn’t it time for football fans, the nation, and the alleged victims to give him a pass on this one, let it go, and move on? If the Steelers bring home another Lombardi Trophy in the coming months, I think the only answer can be an emphatic "yes."

I wonder what it was they didn’t like.

Discuss.

by mechanical turk on Jun 4, 2012 3:08 PM PDT reply actions 9 recs

( original comment posted at the timestamp link above )