I'm watching the Mavericks surf competition right now and thinking about Girl Scout Cookies. I could sure go for a box of Tagalongs with my coffee and big wave surfing. There's this woman at my office who pushes GS cookies like she's going after a diamond-encrusted Obnoxious Mom patch. It's that time of year again. She sends out emails, puts up a display, and wears homemade troop t-shirts on Fridays.
Despite expecting this cookie onslaught at the office every year, I still consider that maybe this is the year that we are finally spared her pastry propaganda. Maybe this is the year that her daughter is denied her vest because she's gotta be too fuckin old for this shit by now. But no, friends. 2013 is not. that. year.
Now, here's what I assume most of you guys are thinking: hsa, you should really be more supportive of a parent who is so integrated in her daughter's life, that she goes to these cookie-logistic-lengths to bond with her special blossoming entrepreneur. hsa, you are such a heinous child-less bitch, how old are YOU anyway, do you even KNOW how little time your ovaries have left!!!
Please allow me to explain my disdain in greater detail. I'll start with the aforementioned display. There are precisely two tables when you walk into our work space, for the shared use of about twenty people. This woman abhorrently uses one of them, for full months at a time. She lays down an old, tacky, cookie-covered cut of fabric as a "tablecloth"; and sets a 3-foot-tall tri-panel display board on top of it. All three panels of the display are decorated by children, so of course, it looks like complete shit. My eyes leak vomit every time I walk by it - which is often! Personally I think the child needs more time practicing penmanship and aesthetics, above puff paints and Peanut Butter Patties. But what do I - the childless strumpet! - know about this stuff anyway.
I'll tell you what I know. I know that the mission of Girl Scouts is not to prime parents on The Art of Cookie Distribution in the Workplace. Look no further than the official Girl Scouts website, specifically the page entitled Meet the Cookies. Seriously, could they have found a fatter girl to introduce the cookie lineup?* I'm sure she's well-versed and all; but that's just cruel, Girl Scouts, cruel! I couldn't help but read this entire paragraph with a fat girl lisp in my head:
Keep in mind that buying Girl Scout cookies is more than just handing over money for a box. It's about the skills and learning a girl gains from interacting directly with you. It's about the experience of running her own cookie business and working with others. It's the reason we don't sell cookies online. And it's why we encourage you to buy your cookies from a girl—the Cookie Professional—and not her parents.
So there you have it, as official as it gets - the selling of these cookies is designed for the Girl Scouts; not their domineering parents. You bet your boots that I'll be purchasing GS cookies this year. However, I'll be buying my boxes from the girls sitting outside the grocery store in the cold, smiling at me, excitedly taking my money, as I smile back and tell them they're doing a good job. That may seem inconvenient by comparison to filling out quantities on a chart so CONVENIENTLY staring me down every time I go to the pisser. But it's worth it to take sales away from someone whom I think is setting a crappy example and irritating the office in the process. From the vomit-crusted corners of my eyes, I thank you for considering to do the same.
*I sincerely hope she doesn't wear any apparel that reads "Cookie Professional"