Yes, this is fellating myself. But you clowns are the ones who have given me 8,426 recs.
As I am wont to do after a strenuous polo match, I have Chef Julius cook a sumptious seven-course meal and then I retire to my study to drink Pappy Van Winkle's 20-year-old Family Reserve and ponder the arcane aspects of outfield positioning during spring day games at U.S. Cellular Field when the sky is partly cloudy, the temperature is between 55 and 58 degrees and the wind is blowing from left field to right field at more than 10 MPH but less than 15 MPH.
Due to the small sample size available, it took only a short time to review the background information, data set and game video my secretary produced. After dictating my summary findings and allowing my secretary to go home, I was drawn to something in the background information: a 2008 exchange with JRE regarding sub-optimal outfield play by Jermaine Dye. After chuckling at JRE's quaint and naive notions, I decided to visit that conversation on the website in order to further amuse myself at the inanity of the SSS commentariat.
I was transported back to the halcyon days of this site, when I had such formidable foils as dantesox, SSH, WTGTD and, of course, the aforementioned JRE. Ah, the bawdiness of our younger days! When it was not only acceptable but encouraged to make jokes about HSA and her immorality or TAEG and his heritage or TDogg and his attempts to impress fairer pigmented women with Microsoft paper certifications.
Naturally, I was entranced by the singular wit and cutting analysis of perhaps the greatest SSS commenter of all-time (under the circumstances): larry.
The "rec" functionality debuted on SSS in March 2008. It is from these decorated comments I draw the following select few. Unfortunately, some of the allegedly "off-color" remarks cannot be reproduced here.
You are encouraged to click the links to read the full conversations/comments. Many of these may only resonate with those who were there; many are timeless and circumstanceless.
Best aging curve by a comment: "logic beaten, raped, and killed in brazen daylight assault"
Likely due, in part, by the newness factor of the rec button, only colintj rec'd this at the time of its publication. Now recognized as a classic, over the past 5+ years it has accrued 11 more recs.
Best response to dantesox's hyperbolic pessimism: "i'm gonna go ahead and say starting jesus would matter."
Best response to traitors rooting for the Twins: "i hope you die a painful death in an airplane crash with nick punto and carlos gomez skull fucking you."
Best Twins-related comment: "i saw some lady with a stroller with twins."
This is how you handle Twins.
Best comment regarding colintj's Chris Getz interview: "i'd like to read an interview with chris getz here."
Best comment regarding the laziness of America's youth: "oh. it's not in my town so i'll just sit here jerking off to pygmies shitting on one another. this is the attitude i'm talking about."
Best reaction to Sully landing his plane in the Hudson: "FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK ITTTTTTTTTTTTT'SSSSSSSS COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The entire thread is worth reading. When the case is made for some of us going to hell, this will be Exhibit HHJKL-126.
Best advice: "head south on high cross road towards philo. 32 miles after philo, you'll hit a heavily wooded area. old man patterson's spread. if he comes by, it'll be fine - tell him "marketmaker" sent you. you're in luck. the recent thaw has made the ground soft."
Best revision of signature and follow-up: "I don’t want my beer to taste like fruit or honey. I want dick to taste that way." and "and i'm sitting here calling you a chutney ferret."
Best re-post of a comment: "Why are you so mean to everyone?"
Points to whoever links the original.
Best inducement for HSA to post her resume: "coming from you, that's certainly something."
Best response to hoodlight: "it's chinese for click the fucking link if you want to know."
Best response to site circle-jerk: "fuck all of you."
Best analysis of religious figures: "did jesus require "protection"?"
The whole thread is too much fun.
Another ridiculous thread.
Highest praise for Fanpost: "short. in english. uses a poll."
Best worst revision of a comment: "i heard it was the 6 million that scorched the deal."
Best analysis of Jake Peavy trade: "WHITE SOX RAPE, PILLAGE SAN DIEGO AND CARRY-OFF CY YOUNG AWARD WINNER AND FUTURE HALL OF FAMER PEAVY. LEAVE BEHIND A BUNCH OF PLAYERS I'VE NEVER HEARD AND PROBABLY SUCK."
Best analogy: "it's like complaining when a retard pisses himself."
Best response to complaints about Lookout Landing's site rules: "you're the one hanging out on a site and living in a city with a bunch of anal unemployed potsmokers who use the liberal arts degree they made their parents blow $150K on to correct the grammar of posters on a sports blog."
Best comment on women's suffrage: "an idle threat."
Dr. E with best overall.
Best validation of my defense of The Cheat's sexuality: "see? i told you guys cheat wasn't gay."
Best comment taking a dolphin the other way: "you don't need to apologize. he does."
More points for whoever finds whatever is it I parodied.
Best fathering advice given to TDogg: ""that's nice. now go get daddy a beer. and, no, i'm not going to pay you.""
Best Craigslist comment: "doesn't matter. sounds like she'd just eat her way through the door."
Best analysis of Mark's editorial performance: "all of this certainly explains why your editorial performance has been subpar."
Best response to a response to my Juan Pierre trade analysis: "sometimes i think "why do i waste my time writing for this site?""
Best solution for having twins: "let me help."
Entire thread worth it.