Now that Clubhouse Confidential on MLB Network has returned for the offseason, it reminded me of Hawk Harrelson's vivid imagination running wild with TWTW when discussing "old school" baseball with Brian Kenny. Then I realized this could lead to a new career for the Hawk. He could charge an appearance fee to entertain fans of all ages with his fairy tales on baseball and call his road show "Hawk Harrelson's Fairy Tale Classics."
So to assist Hawk, I took the liberty to write his first fable. So sit back, relax and strap it down and enjoy … A Hawk Harrelson Fairy Tale Classic.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away from baseball reality and perched high above the clouds is a kingdom submerged in numbers and acronyms called Sabermetric. It is the home of a know-it-all giant who attends The Bill James New School of Baseball. Here the students learn to magically manipulate mathematically measured malarkey at warp speed like a Brian Kenny. After graduation, the giant makes a predictable announcement from his mom's basement. He declares war against the baseball village of Old School - the iconic birthplace of gritty gamers and blue-colored grinders loved for their old-fashioned small-ball abilities.
Later that week,while discussing sacrifice bunts and hit 'n' runs in their dirty uniforms, the villagers of Old School see the giant sliding down his beanstalk. Always ready for a rhubarb, John McGraw yells "That's trouble! Time to cinch it up and hunker down!" So the men grab their axes and begin chopping away at the giant's newfangled beanstalk as the crowd urges "Don't stop now, boys!" Finally, they cut through the beanstalk and shout "YES! That'll get the job done!" while kids proudly tell their dads "Yer dad-gum right it will!"
And they watch the giant plummet to earth like a can of corn screaming "Mercy! You gotta be bleeping' me!" Then the giant bounces on the ground like a chopper-two-hopper ending up the right size but the wrong shape in the backwoods of Old School.
So the villagers get on back there, stretch him out and put him on a board and carry him to Doctor Herm's office. When the giant says he really hurts, the Doc inquires "Your what hurts?" Then asked how long he been injured, the giant says since he hit the earth to which Doc replies "Don't tell me what you hit, tell me when you hit it."
Dealing with multiple internal injuries, Doctor Herm has but one choice: zone 'em in, reel in the x-rays and light 'em up to see the damage. But with good speed aboard, the Doc leads off with his best amphetamine and the giant sucks it up when a nurse says "Hang wiff 'em."
But the mayor of Old School - their pick-to-click for six decades - has a nose for news and swoops in on Doc's office like a hawk, but in stone silence. He puts on his original first-of-a-kind batting glove and prepares to go to bat against the giant on MLB Network. Then the good guy gives the bad guy an Old School lesson forever etched in baseball history.
For the mayor's words rise to the heavens, shake down the thunder and bring the walls of Sabermetric crashing to the ground "You can't win without the will to win!!!"
Down to his last bullet, the giant confesses to the mayor "I love it when you analyze."
Then Doctor Herm announces "Poof! He gone! Cancel the post-op show!
Now the giant will forever grab some bench as does his chance to destroy our beloved Old School. His tombstone recaps his lost opportunity "He looked for it, got it, but couldn't do nothin' with it."
So the good guys of Old School - and the good girls who had a league of their own - see a peaceful quiet come over their land. For once again, they see ducks on the pond and hear a duck snort - they love that duck - as a new day starts and their troubles are Ovah!
And the Hawk can't suppress just one more "Hell Yes!"
Now the village of Old School can just sit back, relax and strap it down and live happily ever after until the wicked West flies in on his umpire's broom. THE END