Got to get back now to Florida: a Miami Marlins preview

Shortly after this, Rob Brantly's shoulder withered and decayed like so much rotten black walnut wood. - Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

A look at the worst team the White Sox have (and may) faced thus far this season.

Offense: Juan Pierre-LF, Adeiny Hechavarria-SS, Derek Dietrich-2B, Marcell Ozuna-RF, Justin Ruggiano-CF, Greg Dobbs-1B, Placido Polanco-3B, Rob Brantly-C. Bench: Jeff Mathis-C, Miguel Olivo-C, Jordan Brown-1B/OF, Nick Green-INF, Chris Coghlan-OF.

I ... I don't know how to start this one. I had a dream last night about baseball. I don't dream very often, so this struck me as rare, especially because when I do dream it usually involves people from my life. Not this one though. No, this one involved the concept of making baseball players dress up in mascot versions of themselves to play baseball against teams that are not forced into the same handicap. If last night's dream is not the most perfect metaphor for this abomination of a team being trotted out by the worst owner in all of Major League Baseball, I've got nothing else for you.

Look at the lineup. Just take an entire minute to let your eyes actually absorb the words. Juan Pierre is batting leadoff. Juan Pierre is actually batting leadoff. This is 2013. Placido Polanco is actually starting at third base, despite having the exact same .576 OPS as leadoff hitter Juan Pierre. I'm sorry, I struggle to understand what horrible thing Mike Redmond did during his life to deserve having to manage this team. Maybe he sold his soul to Nergal or some other lesser demon for that World Series ring in 2003. Hope it was worth it, Mike. Spoiler alert: it was not. You are now forever employed by Jeffrey Loria, who I'm pretty sure may actually be the demon you sold your soul to.

You might be thinking "Mark, why haven't you actually talked about the rest of the team yet? You're getting kind of weird on us again." and you'd be right. But that's because looking at this lineup actually drives me into some sort of otherworldly rage. This lineup is akin to hearing Cthulhu's call: madness is the best you can hope for. Giancarlo Stanton injured himself running to first base, leaving Marcell Ozuna the only above-average hitter on the team. And he's doing that via a .383 BABIP. I don't know who they'll use as a DH this weekend because none of their bench players can actually hit.

Jeffrey Loria, you are the worst. I don't understand how you're allowed to keep running a team. You killed the Expos and are well on your way to killing the Marlins. I get that the Los Angeles Dodgers are far more important to the league than the Miami Marlins, but at some point Bud Selig needs to toss you out like the McCourts. Juan Pierre leads position players on this team in bWAR with 0.6. I want to apologize to all the young players stuck on this team that are more or less being forced into Florida's greediest man's latest money-grabbing scheme.

Pitching: Tom Koehler-RHP, Ricky Nolasco-RHP, Alex Sanabia-RHP, Steve Cishek-CL.

You have heard of one of these players. One of them. Two if you play fantasy baseball. Three if you're a spitball enthusiast, like Sunday's opponent Alex Sanabia.

Sanabiagross

Thank you Fangraphs.

Miami fans and players are that baseball. Alex Sanabia is Jeffrey Loria. I hate this franchise. I might grow to become indifferent to them some day with a new owner, as if they're just papillomas growing on an Angus, benign and meaningless. But as for now? They're a squamous cell carcinoma on the face of that friendly white DSH cat you know.

Outlook: I'm not big on predicting sweeps. I did so once last season and the Sox wound up getting swept by the lowly Houston Astros. That being said, these Marlins are easily one of the worst teams since the 2003 Detroit Tigers. Sox win the series 2-1.


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