FanPost

Introducing The Pannie Minerko Power Rankings

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I've long had a fascination with creating a rating system that calculates how fun a player is to watch. I had tried this once before when I came up with Bo-Factor, a rating system to define how awesome a player is, but I didn't have the recipe quite right. So the Pannie Minerko Rankings are, by the power of combining Paul Konerko and Minnie Minoso's names, a way at trying to find the player who is peak-White Sox.

People have asserted that the White Sox are the best at mythologizing their own; that they are the only organization that would build a statue for Harold Baines. And to that I say, "Heck yeah, Harold Baines is awesome." That's really what the Pannie Minerko Power Rankings are all about, honoring our guys who the rest of baseball find ordinary.

By naming these Rankings "Pannie Minerko," I realize I have created an unattainable standard of greatness that could only been seen again if Mr. White Sox and Captain Paulie swapped DNA and created a superchild. This is okay. It's simply about finding that player at any given time that would cause you to say to your kids, "Look it's so-and-so batting, stop throwing peanuts at each other and pay attention."

The criteria for this is broken into three sub-categories: "Chicago Toughness," Bo-Factor, and WAR. All three are weighted equally and are graded on a "WAR scale" where 0=scrub, 2-3=solid, 4-6= Allstar, and 7-8=MVP. From there, the categories are summed and we are left with...[dramatic music]... Power Rankings.

"Chicago Toughness"

The scare quotes are essential here. I grew up reading Morrissey, Mariotti, Cowley, van Dyke, Rosenbloom, and lived out my teenage years with Ozzieball and the Hawk Harrelson TWTW narrative so I can't help but sometimes want to describe Adam Eaton as a gritty fence-crashing Southside hustlepants. (It's fun to now scroll through the archives at Fire Joe Morgan and relive all the greatness.) The gold standard of "Chicago Toughness" is Aaron Rowand, setting the bar skyward of Willis Tower but then of course bringing it back down-to-earth because there's no egos on this block.

The key to all of this is you can't be too good as to where your toughness is overshadowed by talent, so Abreu is unfortunately docked here. You also can't be terrible as to where your grindiness is muted, so Beckham loses points here as well. This category is primarily measured by imagining how many "lunch-pail" cliches Dave van Dyke could pack into a column and by the pure joy you hear in Hawk's voice as one of "his guys" comes to bat.

Bo-Factor

AKA, KenWAR. You won't find any jabronies here. Just dingers, baby. Bo-Factor is a culmination of six qualities: towering home runs, genetic potential, swagger, keeping the fans in their seat when the dude comes to bat, having a cannon for an arm, and being clutch. Bo Jackson is the cream of the crop in this category, but guys like Frank Thomas, Albert Belle, Dick Allen, and Jack Parkman would score real well too. It's a safe place for the likes of Dayan Viciedo and Carlos Lee to hangout sans mockery and advanced statistical point-making. Bo-Factor laughs at such ideas as wOBA.

WAR

The third and final component of the Pannie Minerko Rankings is performance. It's just a straightforward use of fWAR. These Rankings understand that average AAA call-up guys are not to be enjoyed despite all that heart and effort they exude on the diamond. I'm looking at you, Brent Lillibridge.

You may have noted that all three categories are to some extent at odds with each other. It's hard to be grindy, smash homers, get on base and play defense all at the same time. That is the beauty of this award in that any player could win it with any combination of skills. That could also be the horribleness of it, though, so really we won't know until the season ends and find out how pointless this whole exercise was.

I did a preseason ranking using ZiPS (I'm sure Dan Szymborski is pleased I'm using his creation on an arbitrary mathematical rating system) and a quick and dirty projection for "Chicago Toughness" and Bo-Factor. While WAR is a robot incapable of feelings, biases may be shown in other areas such as my distinct liking for Conor Gillaspie and my disliking for Adam LaRoche.

1. Jose Abreu

2. Adam Eaton

3. Conor Gillaspie

4. (tie) Ramirez, LaRoche, Cabrera

5. Tyler Flowers

6. Avisail Garcia

7. Carlos Sanchez/Micah Johnson

8. Emilio Bonifacio

9. Gordon Beckham

A couple random clarifications:

  • Obviously no pitchers allowed.
  • Things that happen off the field, such as social media and locker room antics, can have an effect on these rankings, much the same way ground-water flows into lakes.
  • How much power is in these rankings, exactly? We're talking 75/80.
  • If you can't agree that Joe Crede was awesome and Alex Rios was not, you need to leave right now.
  • Statements like, "The fact that Gordon Beckham was traded away for Yency Almonte makes clear his Bo-Factor is on the wrong side of zero" are what these rankings seek to create.
  • While Pannie Minerko is a silly name, these Power Rankings are no-nonsense and 100% scientific.

SouthSideSox is a community-driven site. As such, users are able to express their thoughts and opinions in a FanPost, such as this one, which represents the views of this particular fan, but not necessarily the entire community or SouthSideSox editors.

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