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South Side Sox Exclusive: Donny Lucy retires from Major League Baseball

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Donny Lucy (courtesy of Del Rey Avocado Company)
Donny Lucy (courtesy of Del Rey Avocado Company)

With all this talk of the White Sox being unable to sign Mark Buehrle due to payroll constraints, the coverage of the trade of Sergio Santos and the idle speculation regarding possible trades of John Danks, Carlos Quentin and Gavin Floyd, the White Sox beat writers completely missed the most important White Sox story of the offseason: the retirement of Donny Lucy. So, once again, it's left to us at South Side Sox to pick up the slack.

As we all know, Donny was a key performer. His career line of .250/.318/.425 is excellent for a catcher. But it's not just his superlative on-field skills that mattered. As a Stanford graduate, he brought a Greg Maddux-esque cerebral approach to the game. Scouts raved about his ability to handle pitching staffs, which is no surprise considering he is a summa cum laude graduate of the White Stag Leadership Camp. His mere presence inspired all those around him. Donny was Tim Tebow before Tim Tebow was Tim Tebow. Without all that Jesus crap.

I mean, just look at that picture of Donny. It says composure without conceit. Valor without vengeance. Hair without dandruff.

As Donny is a warrior-poet, he can look back on his amazing career with satisfaction and now say it's time to devote himself full-time to avocados, as well as his lifelong pursuit of the cure for childhood leukemia. For those who ask how a man aged just 29 years can walk away from baseball, I would merely point them to the recent biography of Donny, entitled "Swell". It should be required reading for all.

In that wide-ranging exploration of what drives Donny to reach for the stars (and hunt whales), we are provided many insights into the zeitgeist of Donny. To wit:

The lords of dawn are men such as Mr. Lucy.... They remember when dawn was hours earlier and when they had to kill a hundred Nazis every morning just to get to the percolator.

What many people didn't realize is that Donny didn't play baseball for himself. He did it for all of us. And to exterminate from the face of the earth the Nazi threat, once and for all.

So, from all of us at South Side Sox and The Donny Lucy Fan Club, thanks for everything Donny. You will be missed.