Welcome to the first congregation of the Church of Donny. At South Side Sox, we realize that there are many of you out there who still have not accepted Donny as your (and the White Sox') savior. Last night's game, however, should lay to rest any doubts that may still exist in the minds of fans. Let's go over just a few of the miracles He performed against the heathen Indians:
- The White Sox are now above .500 for the first time since early April.
- After hitting just eight (8) triples in their first 120 games, the White Sox hit five (5) triples yesterday. This would not have happened if He was not in the third base dugout, drawing White Sox baserunners to Him.
- The White Sox had 22 hits, a season high.
- Brent Lillibridge was intentionally walked for the first time in his career. However, because Lillibridge still worships a different god, Donny had to punish him by causing him to be doubled-up. That's a lesson to all the other players. Stop worshiping false idols.
- Shin-Soo Choo, one of the best defenders in baseball, committed multiple mistakes.
- In perhaps His most impressive miracle, Juan Pierre hit a home run.
I again invite all of you to come to Buckingham Fountain at 5pm tonight for your baptism into the Church of Donny. For those of you who still have questions, there will be plenty of Donnyacs there to answer them. And after the full immersion baptism ceremony, buses will be provided to transport us to the Cell to view Donny in His full regalia when He makes His first start of the season behind the plate. These buses are being provided by the Donny Lucy Fan Club, which has re-opened its yearly membership for the low price of $8.95 due to Donny's ascension. Details:
The Donny Lucy Fan Club
PO Box 2145
Chicago, IL 60661
- Personalized welcome letter from Donny;
- Monthly newsletter;
- Fusilli Donny;
- Donny's baseball card;
- 15% off in the Donny store;
- and, for a limited time, a copy of the Book of Donny.
See all of you tonight.