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Things I Believe in About as Much as I Believe in Alex Rios

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I have more faith in Dagon than I do in this man. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)
I have more faith in Dagon than I do in this man. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)
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  • Narwhals don't actually exist.  Somewhere along the line a taxidermist got bored and attached a whittled down elephant tusk to an ugly whale.  The fact that museums present these as actual animals amuses me to no end.
  • Shia LaBeouf is a believable and likeable leading man.
  • Dustin Pedroia can dunk a basketball.
  • Kansas is a wonderful state and a great place to live.
  • Professional basketball is fun to watch all the time, not just in the playoffs.
  • The majority of things you learn in elementary school classes is vital to your adult life.
  • Jeff Dunham is hilarious.
  • Millard Fillmore is the most underrated president in American history.
  • Sushi is delicious and a perfectly cromulant way to eat food.
  • The writers of Lost knew what they were doing the whole time.
  • The Office is still the funniest show on TV.
  • Tony La Russa is a fantastic manager and a model human being.
  • Timothy Dalton was the best James Bond.  Sean Connery was the worst.
  • My beloved Fighting Illini will win the Big Ten this year.
  • Colin isn't secretly a girl.
  • Ozzie and Kenny actually have a plan.
  • Jared Mitchell is going to turn it around and become an All-Star level performer in the majors.
  • The Egyptian's had it right all along.  Praise Ra!
  • I am both handsome AND charming.
  • Life was better in the 1930's than it is today.
  • Grunge is making a comeback.
  • Streetlights are operated by tiny monkeys with lanterns.  When the light flashes red, the monkey has gotten drunk.
  • People will enjoy this article.
  • Taylor Swift is a musical genius.  Tom Waits, not so much.
  • This article is more analysis than satire.  I have a clear understanding of categories.
  • Riding a bike to class in jeans in 104 degree heat is a great idea.  The sweat is just wrong answers leaving the body.
  • Vet school has had no effect on my sanity/well-being.