SSS Scouting Reports, 2013

Player Name: Barb, Rhu
Club Affiliation: SSS Gold (Miles Edition)
Position: SOB
Height: 6'1"
Weight:122 lbs

Physical Description: Has beating heart. BAC approaching 1%. Robust lungs contain fair share of marijuana smoke. Broad shoulders despite suburban living. Well-developed, thick skull.

Strengths: Sense of humor grades out as 60/65, would play well in more educated forums. Alludes to Important Literature and good musical tastes. Aggressive, doesn't stand for weak comments or commenters. Seemingly well-regarded by teammates and family. Speaks from gut. Concerned with moral and ethical excellency. Refuses to run memes into the ground. Hits to all genres. Ranges easily to the left.

Weaknesses: White Sox body. Short fuse connected to blast furnace of emotion. Overly verbose with stylistic choice to disregard punctuation makes for complex, winding reads. Rants border on psychotic. Family obligations tend to intrude on commenting responsibilities. Lives happily in Elgin.

Summation: Good overall makeup that could propel Barb into SSS Black account status. Lack of concern for commenting success nurtures loose, comfortable threads. Tends to get bogged down arguing fine points. Giving; sharing of marijuana and alcohol products will continue to sway scouts on the way to the big time.

Player: craigws
Position: Belly Itcher
Height: Like, 7'9" or something
Weight: 185
Injuries: "I threw my bloody ribs out while bowling, see."
Body type: Eh, why not.

Strong points: Stickler for facts and propriety. Well-educated and can speak to many European topics. Competitive, and vocal in the presence of wrong/strong opinions. Observant. Attention to detail a key part of his game. Strong, level-headed team member. A sensitive family man but doesn't show it. Complex, yet unassuming, like a Mondavi CabSav. Dirty, dirty mouth.

Weak points: Cider drinker to the point of exclusivity. Writes complete sentences but rarely shares exact feelings. Trouble adjusting to American traditions and appropriate pride. Plays the right way to a fault. Hot-headed. Not a leader except when it comes to fact-checking. Rarely shows up at a game. Silly but not goofy if you know what I mean.

Summation: Projects as a major SSS Regular. Healthy dour attitude enables perseverance through thick and thin. Flippant, charged comments lower ceiling to Threadbearer.

Player: Margalus, Jim
Club: AOL White Sox Channel (1200 Free Hours!)
Position: King Shit
Height: 6'0"
Weight: BMI appropriate, okay?
Injuries: Carpal tunnel, seriously.

Physical description: Pale. Sickly. Not well. Curler's Fist bodes well for future production of SBN curling team blogs.

Strengths: Communicates clearly. Has watched White Sox baseball despite other, better life choices. Loyal. Humble with no brag. Accepting of all sorts of eccentric ruffians. Clutch performer; works well under pressure. Writes for average and for power. Puts out a quality product when no one else will. Usually right, but reigns those dogs the fuck in.

Weaknesses: Knows but three cultural references, likely due to existence of White Sox Baseball. Flat-out mean when hungry. Not a great defender of good ideas in-thread. Slow first step. Sometimes takes a day off, giving masthead members a reason to feel guilty. Decent and hard-working; could detract from full potential. Private. Doesn't make waves. Aggressively non-aggressive.

Summation: Writing grades out to 60/80. Decent sense of humor and supreme patience at the keyboard indicates plus/plus makeup. Intentional sobriety breaks mold of current White Sox fans, but could pay off. Lots to gain if dick is kept in pants. Crowd noise could be a factor in success.

Player Name: "larry"
Club Affiliation: SSS Black (for confirmation ask for Larry)
Known Injuries: Swollen pride, tumid brain, truncated shit-giving facilities.
Eyesight: Blurry, probably, maybe, can read a computer screen better than you.
Type Hitter: Slap

Physical Description: Lithe, graceful ballerina-type lower half somehow holds middle-linebacker upper. Wears helmet constantly.

Strength: Knows when to hold ‘em. Doesn't know the meaning of "fold ‘em." Is always right, due to uncanny research ability and professional fortitude. Good movement and deception on breaking threads. Sense of humor, unless reader happens to be VC or horse. Ability to cut through bullshit. Simple, uncoachable approach to writing. Extremely knowledgeable, witty, smart, all of that complimentary bullshit that he likely won't acknowledge because there's a real big facade of "larry" that he's gotta keep up to intimidate newcomers and morons. Remember, this is a strength.

Weakness: Prick. Massive, massive prick.

Summation: Projects as second-round pick. Shy; shares nothing. Defense-first contributor. Obsession with minors would land most others in jail. Makeup a big question, but occasionally flashes tools and attitude to advance rapidly if given the chance. While SSS Black status has been rightly earned, SSS Human status awaits. Question of want persists.

Player: Man, Buehrle
High School: Yep.
Position: Team chemist; historian.
Team name: Champaign-Urbana All-Stars (field team of SSS Southern Command)
Injuries: Chapped ass. High dew-point sensitivity.

Physical Desc: Mostly frail. Strong right arm ideal for cane-waving. Booming voice enables clear communication of lawn intrusions.

Abilities: Shuts down threads with out-and-out logic. Deflects idiots like popcorn. Agile, with smooth typing mechanics. Succinct, sarcastic delivery. Engaging storyteller with good umpire and player memory. Lively Hamm's-encased brain. Soft hands. Strong, accurate comment evaluator. Generates memes with the best of ‘em.

Weaknesses: Occasionally flies into fits of uncontrolled rage out of left field. Brings other commenters down into rabbit hole of anger with him, clogging the basethreads. Tends to pull the conversation rather than work with it. Often no chance of escape from black hole of dour.

Summation: Projects as same as ever. Fringe average patience barely conceals disdain for masses, which could play up given an insular community. Solid all-around player. Needs to calm down before signing with SSS Global Services.

Player name: colintj
School: Michigan University (Go Blues!)
Position: Mountain Dew-thusiest
Club affl: SSS Twitterbot Prime
Physical Description: Ginger. Short. Fit, in a professorial way.

Strength: Good, live, loose arm. FB has some tailing action when down and and sink when tired. Showed consistent velocity at 81, can reach back for 83. Can go and get strikeout in a pinch. Good arm speed. Competitive and workmanlike. Got a lot of groundballs. Quick to plate. Will keep ball down.

Weakness: Rushes and does not have good balance point. Lot of head movement in delivery; hurts command. CH did little. CB poor and SL flat. Did not show good feel for BB and did not use many. Needs better patterns. Does not take kindly to criticism, especially as yelled from stands.

Summation: Good learner. Needs to improve command. Disappears, sometimes in middle of game. Makeup questionable. Organizational player.

Player: South Side Expat
Position: OG
Club Affiliation: Chatroulette SSS Plug-in Basic (beta)
School: Cornfield U
Known Injuries: "It hurts all over."

Physical Description: Johnny Bench called.

Abilities: Good instincts on the chair and in the kitchen. Wrist and finger speed excellent; can bring that to bear against major league talent. Compact stroke, sprays the whole field. Good defender of city border lines. Aggressive dance moves under the right circumstances, but smooth and graceful follow-through. Emotionally and physically mature. Dog-walk rate exceptional. Can help any team with cabinetry.

Weaknesses: Coherence a factor in late-game situations. Lingers in the box. Average runner, but only through IKEA. Health and durability questionable. PDD use could be an issue at major-league level.

Summation: Plays the game the right way, one day at a time. Happy to be here, hopes to help the ballclub. Good tools, but on the wrong side of 20 for a competitive blog environment.

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