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Make Jeff Keppinger play all nine positions

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The season is lost and I want entertainment.

Rob Grabowski-USA TODAY Sports

The White Sox are well past officially being eliminated from the 2013 playoffs and that stinks. Well it does and it doesn't. It does because another season without the playoffs is a disappointment and a failure. But it doesn't because we've long since gotten used to it and the terrible play will net a higher draft pick, helping the future. There are only 18 more games left and even with as disheartening and soul-numbing this season has been, it's going to suck waiting until April to watch the White Sox play real baseball again. The good news is that 13 of those remaining games are in Chicago, so you can still see them in person. But I cannot. So all I'm asking of Robin Ventura is one simple thing.

Make Jeff Keppinger play all nine positions in one game.

Is he actually capable of doing this? Oh god no. But other than Leury Garcia and Marcus Semien, he's the only utility man we've got. And unlike those two youngsters, I'm not worrying about damaging his psyche or ego or stunting his development. No. I am interested in watching a tiny grown man run around the diamond, picking up a new home at the top of every inning. I want him to pitch the 9th inning. I no longer care about winning. I want magic. I want entertainment. I want tears.

This would only be the fifth time a player would have accomplished the feat, oddly all in the American League. Good Ol' Keppy would join such luminaries as Bert Campaneris (1965), Cesar Tovar (1968), Scott Sheldon (2000), and Shane Halter (2000) in the All 9 Positions Club. It hasn't been done in 13 years! We're well past time for the trick to be dusted off again.

Is it making a mockery of the game? No! It's honoring baseball's history of showmen like former owner Bill Veeck! And you can't pretend it wouldn't be the most interesting game on the docket for the rest of the month. Robin, you've had some shortcomings all season long. But I would instantly forgive all of them if you let me watch an inning of Jeff Keppinger chasing down flyballs in center field or crouching behind the plate, praying not to die. Do the right thing, Robin. Give us our entertainment.