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White Sox legend elected to CAC, vows avocado supply security

Donny turns tide against "The Collectivo"

Kommissar Donny Lucy
Kommissar Donny Lucy
Del Rey Avocado Company

White Sox legend and warrior-poet Donny Lucy continues his selfless service to all mankind with his recent election to the California Avocado Commission (CAC) as Handler Member - Alternate. He and his lifetime .329 wOBA generously deign to serving a two-year term. Kommissar Lucy ran on a platform of modernization, modality and moor.

With tensions rising all along the Pacific coast, it's only natural that a summa cum laude graduate of the White Stag Leadership Camp would come to the fore at this pivotal moment in fruit trade history.

A high-ranking CAC official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, "The Commission has not ruled out any options in this crisis. Since our founding in 1978, it has been the policy of the Commission that a guacamole gap must not be allowed. The actions of certain of our marketing partners are contrary to well-settled International Fruit Law. This Commission will not sit by idly while they mash their avocados in our faces."

After seizing control in a bloody coup in July 2013, Chilean Avocado Importers Association Generalissimo Jorge Covarrubias quickly allied with the Mexican Hass Avocado Importers Association to form a united front known as "The Collectivo". After years of peace between the three marketing associations on the Hass Avocado Board, Covarrubias quickly ratcheted up the rhetoric to levels not seen since the early 1980s.

"The decadent yanquis have long sought to conquer and subsume The Collectivo through the Board," Covarrubias said just prior to the CAC elections. "We will no longer bow to anyone. True avocadoionos know that Chilean and Mexican avocados are superior. The Mexican avocado encourages consumers to "Toss Me In" to their favorite sandwiches and salads, while the Chilean avocado reminds everyone that it "tastes so good, so many ways.'"

With a smirk, Covarrubias added, "I would not even use a California avocado as a hair mask for my worst enemies."

But the election of the six-time All-Avocado League performer has rendered silent Covarrubias and his Mexican "errand boys".

Mark Jecmen, a close confidant of Kommissar Lucy, said, "[CAC President Tom] Bellamore talked a big game but he and his teammates on the Commission lack credibility when the game is in the balance. Bellamore was always willing to 'play ball' with the Collectivo in order to keep the peace. They're good men but it takes a certain character - moral toughness - to stand up to [the Collectivo]."

"As both a Southern League and Carolina League All-Star, Donny brings that credibility and toughness," explained Jecmen. "The Collectivo turned around and, uh oh, Der Kommissar was in town. Donny's got the power and you're so weak. And your frustration will not let you speak. La, la, la, la, la. La, motherfuckers."

The reaction from the avocado consumer community has been overwhelmingly positive.

"While I am a libertarian, who believes government should not involve itself in fruit commerce, I would not adhere to that ideology if all government officials were like Kommissar Lucy," said Mo Roots, Certified Public Accountant and avocado eater, from his bunker in an undisclosed location. "Kommissar Lucy is a shining light and I am assured that he will take whatever action is necessary and proper to secure our precious avocados."

South Side Sox, while ordinarily apolitical, reiterated its support for Donny. Indeed, two distinguished members of the community - Hazymania and ParisSox - recently named their newborn children after him.

International reaction has been muted. At a press conference regarding the eastern Ukraine, Russian media asked Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin for his position on the avocado crisis. President Putin tore off his shirt and stared, bare-chested, at the assembled media for five and a half minutes.

A Kremlin spokesman later clarified President Putin's posture with a statement: "The Russian Federation believes in the rule of law and self-determination for all fruit. We beg of Kommissar Lucy that he exercise his prodigious restraint. We certainly recognize that, projected for 500 plate appearances, Kommissar Lucy is a well-above average player and at a premium position.

"Of course, the Russian Federation will abide by its treaty obligations with Donny Lucy," the spokesman added, in reference to the 2005 D.O.N.O.T.Me.S.S with Donny Treaty, which ended hostilities between Kommissar Lucy and the Russian Federation.

A White Sox spokesman did not immediately return calls for comment.