Your 2018 Soxiness™ guide to the rest of the postseason

Now that we’re about to whittle down the field for the League Championship Series, it’s time for some serious analysis of the five teams remaining. (Because, of course, the dammed Yankees and F-ing Red Sox can’t put away a series the way reasonable teams do.)

Many “mainstream” sources will be doing both traditional and advanced statistical comparisons, telling us how Hitter A has historically performed again Pitcher B in vaguely autumnal weather, during afternoon games in the Eastern Time Zone, after chewing 3-4 pieces of gum, while wearing branded fleece pullovers.

Who cares? That’s all noise. What matters, when push comes to shove, is each team’s total Soxiness™.

Soxiness™ is a proprietary metric that takes into account a player’s connection to the Chicago White Sox. Factors include, among others, time with the major league team, time in the minor league system, chances of having become (or becoming in the future) members of the White Sox, past social interactions with Dayan Viciedo, Cubanness, knowledge of Bill Veeck, ability to navigate Midway Airport (screw O’Hare), and a number of factors I’m not at liberty to disclose lest the St. Louis Cardinals pilfer them.

Taken together, these factors are run through my personal, patented process to determine a final figure we’ll refer to as sxWAR®. The team with the highest sxWAR® is near certain to emerge as the World Series champion. It’s patented.

So without further nonsense, here is the breakdown of each remaining team’s Soxiness™, per sxWAR®. Place your wagers accordingly.

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Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images

Los Angeles Dodgers

Former White Sox: 0

Yasiel Puig

• Lots of SSSers wanted to sign/trade for him a couple of years back, when he looked like the Dodgers were tiring of him.
• The Dodgers don’t appear to be tired of him any longer.
• A KenWo favorite (though not as much as Yoenis Cespedes).
• Cuban.
• A character.
• Kinda sorta living up to his potential.
• Chances of actually becoming a Sox: slim, but Cuban.

sxWAR®: .01. Positive since his kenWAR is high, but not by much

Manny Machado

• Lots of SSSers want to sign him.
• Fat chance.
• May not fit competitive “window.”
• Where would he play?
• Funny haircut

sxWAR®: -2.5

TOTAL Dodgers sxWAR®: -2.4. The Dodgers will fall, and fall hard.

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Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

Boston Red Sox

Former White Sox: 1

Chris Sale

• Most notable former White Sox in the playoffs.
• Once-a-generation talent.
• Knows Dayan Viciedo personally.
• Seven years with the White Sox.
• Cares nothing for history or its symbols, as expressed by throwback uniforms.
• Noted red-ass.
• Tends to fade as the air cools.
• 30.2 bWAR with the White Sox.
• Too much bWAR for his own good, I say.

sxWAR®: 0*

* depends upon which hat he chooses for his HOF plaque. White: 145 sxWAR®/Red: -145 sxWAR®. For now, then, 0.

Steve Pearce

• Favorite of one former SSS contributor who wanted to sign/trade for him in the worst way.
• That guy bailed for the “other” site, so screw Steve Pearce.

sxWAR®: 0

Rafael Devers/Andrew Benintendi/some other mooks

• Some SSSers wanted some combination of these guys for Sale.
• Screw ’em, who needs ’em, we got better guys (eventually ... we hope).

sxWAR®: -2.5, ’cause we didn’t really want any of them anyway.

Total Red Sox sxWAR®: -2.5/-147.5/142.5. Red Sox fans will be insufferable, regardless of what happens.

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Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

New York Yankees

Former White Sox: 1

David Robertson

• Three years, more or less, with the White Sox.
• 2.9 bWAR for the White Sox.
• Mostly remembered fondly aside from, say, that dammed meltdown against K.C. Screw that.
• 84 saves for the White Sox, who clearly valued him as a closer more than the Yankees did or do, the dammed ingrates.

sxWAR®: 2.9

Andrew McCutchen

• KenWo favorite who some SSSers wanted to trade for a while back
• katiesphil kind of likes him, too, but no longer wants him on the White Sox ... four or five years ago, though, sign me up

sxWAR®: 0, sadly

Lance Lynn

• Was born in Indianapolis during the time I lived there.
• That’s it.

sxWAR®: 0

Total Yankees sxWAR®: 2.9. Unlikely to progress to the World Series.

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Photo by Jon Durr/Getty Images

Houston Astros

Former White Sox: 0, technically

Tony Sipp

• Drafted by the White Sox in the 33^rd round of the 2002 draft.
• Didn’t sign.
• Screw him.

sxWAR®: -0.1. We didn’t really want him, anyway.

Yuli Gurriel

• Cuban
• Obnoxious racist gesture in last year’s World Series, so screw him.

sxWAR®: -0.5

Jose Altuve

• Possible role model for Nick Madrigal.
• Not Cuban.

sxWAR®: 0. But 5.0 if Nick Madrigal develops into something like him.

Total Astros sxWAR®: -0.6/4.4, entirely dependent upon Madrigal. Hard to see the Astros repeating — unless Madrigal becomes a stud.

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Photo by Rich Schultz/Getty Images

Milwaukee Brewers

Former White Sox: 7

Joakim Soria

• Half a year with the White Sox.
• It was this year.
• 1.0 bWAR with the White Sox.
• 16 saves with the White Sox.
• Seemed at times like the only actual MLB pitcher in White Sox bullpen.
• Hates stupid nickname some other team’s fans gave him.

sxWAR®: 1.0

Gio Gonzalez

• Drafted by the White Sox in the 1^st round of the 2004 draft.
• He actually signed.
• Never actually pitched for the White Sox at the MLB level.
• Still brought up by more reasonable SSSers when glum posters claim the Sox cannot develop MLB players (because, you know, he is one).
• Never actually pitched for the White Sox at the MLB level, though.
• Helped bring Jim Thome to the Sox – woo hoo.
• Sort of helped bring Gavin Floyd to the Sox – nice.
• Helped bring Nick Swisher to the Sox – F Nick Swisher.

sxWAR®: 2.0 – 2 for Thome, 1 for Floyd, -1 for Swisher

Xavier Cedeno

• Mysteriously left off the postseason roster, to this point.
• One year with the White Sox.
• It was this year.
• Often seemed like the only other actual MLB pitcher in the bullpen.
• 0.6 bWAR with the White Sox.

sxWAR®: 0.6

Dan Jennings

• Mysteriously left off of postseason roster, to this point.
• Three years with the White Sox.
• 2.4 WAR with the White Sox.
• Probably knows Dayan Viciedo personally, but may not remember him.
• Brought Casey Gillaspie to the White Sox, but not holding it against him.

sxWAR®: 2.4

Junior Guerra

• One season with the White Sox.
• Actually, three games with the White Sox.
• -0.1 bWAR with the White Sox.
• Put on waivers by the White Sox in 2015.
• You’re forgiven if you don’t remember him being a White Sox.

sxWAR®: 0, because I’m not holding three games against him.

Erik Kratz

• Seems like he should have been a White Sox at some point, but he never was.
• Somehow still on the postseason roster.

sxWAR®: 0

Tyler Saladino

• Not-at-all-mysteriously left off the postseason roster.
• Four years with the White Sox.
• Intermittently strong moustache game.
• “Salad” was ultimately a rather weak nickname.
• Never what we hoped he might be.
• Brought C. Considerations to the White Sox.
• 2.0 bWAR with the White Sox.

sxWAR®: 2.5, because he seemed like a good guy who worked his butt off, and the moustache when it was on.

Matt Albers

• That’s the “Beloved Matt Albers” to you, bub.
• Shockingly left off the postseason roster to this point.
• Phatt.
• Generator of enjoyable memes and T-shirt designs.
• The Matt Albers Game, obviously.
• Two years with the White Sox.
• -0.5 bWAR with the White Sox.

sxWAR®: 3.0, because f-you, bWAR, he’s goddam Matt Albers.

Total Brewers sxWAR®: 11.5. Clearly, the Brewers are going to win the World Series. Probably a sweep.