Middle-Relief Mondays? Wilbur Wood Wet T-shirts? No Social Media Night?

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Wednesday, November 14, 2018

WHITE SOX ANNOUNCE BEVY OF INNOVATIVE PROMOTIONS TO MAKE OUR SECOND-DIVISION DWELLERS PALATABLE

Tent Meeting Sundays, You Be the Fireman Mondays, Wilbur Wood Wet T-Shirt Night, Pork in the Park, No Social Media Night, South Side Inferiority Complex Heritage Night, Emo Music Night Are All Part of Our Early-Season Promotional Specials

CHICAGO — Tired of the rebuild? Uninspired by the waning charm of watching Adam Engel bat and Nicky Delmonico field? Staying home from the ballpark until your Chicago White Sox are at least a .500 team again?

We feel your pain.

And while we all wait for exciting, competitive baseball to return to Guaranteed Rate Field (and yes, it pains us to type that every bit as much as it pains your to read it), we’re coming up with new, innovative ways to make an afternoon or evening out at the ol’ ball yard your first choice in family entertainment.

Here are just a few of the ways you can have fun while rooting on whoever’s wearing your favorite uniform in 2019, while we wait for players you’ll want to pay to see!

You Be the Fireman Mondays

Just prior to the first pitch of every Monday home game, one lucky ticketholder will be chosen at random to be the first reliever out of the pen. Regardless of the situation.

Yes, regardless of the situation. The possibilities are almost endless (you did watch our bullpen last year, right?):

• Coming in to start the sixth after the starting pitcher has thrown 105 pitches getting through five innings.
• Getting the call with one out and the bases loaded in the second, after the starter has walked six batters and hit two others.
• Facing a tough lefty slugger with runners in scoring position and nobody out in the eighth.
• Closing out a tense, 2-0 pitchers’ duel.

Who knows? That’s the fun and excitement of You Be the Fireman Mondays!

Some restrictions apply. You must be 12 years of age or older to participate. Fans under the age of 18 will require a parent or legal guardian to sign a waiver allowing their participation. Uniform, hat, and mitt provided, but participants wishing to wear a cup will be required to provide their own.

Wilbur Wood Wet T-Shirt Night

Join us on April 5, when the first 2,000 fans will receive an exclusive, freshly wetted (by the Official Bottled Water Provider of the 2019 Chicago White Sox, Aquafina® ... Aquafina® is pure water, perfect taste™), limited edition Wilbur Wood T-shirt. Lucky winners will be invited to participate in an on-the-field, wet T-shirt contest, to be judged by Elliott Bambrough, Marley Kayden and Lauren Scott, from the Chicago’s Best television program.

And this is a 2019 wet T-shirt contest, which means everyone, regardless of gender identification, sexual orientation, or body type, is welcome to compete in several categories. Winners will join Wilbur Wood himself in throwing out the game’s first pitch. All participants will receive a voucher for 15% off a White Sox sweatshirt in the team store.

It is April in Chicago, which will provide certain pluses and minuses.

Some restrictions apply. You must be 18 years of age or older to participate, because, duh. We have a legal department, you know? All contest participants must sign a release allowing the Chicago White Sox and Major League Baseball to post photographs to their respective websites, as well as certain “special-interest” internet sites catering to “special interests.”

Pork in the Park

We know what you’re thinking, you dogs you, but Pork in the Park, on May 7, is a night to celebrate all things hog!

Bring your Vietnamese pot-belly, your tea-cup pig, or even just your garden-variety Durocs and Hampshires. All hogs are welcome, and costumes are encouraged, though not required. Because, let’s face it, everything’s better with bacon, even White Sox baseball. Maybe especially White Sox baseball.

For those who chuck cholesterol to the wind and prefer to pig out on pork rather than parade it, all pork-based products will be 50% off at concession stands. Additionally, there will be an ongoing pig roast right on the 100 level concourse throughout the game.

Former White Sox great Terry Forster will be on hand to sign autographs, pose for photos ... and finish that, if you’re done with it.

No Social Media Night

Ever wonder what it was like to go to a game in the olden days? Join us on May 16 for a modern spin on a Turn Back the Clock Game, a ballgame the way Grandpa knew it last century, back in the 1990s, with no phones, pads, tablets, or earbuds allowed.

Experience what it’s like to watch a game with your eyes, instead of on a screen. Thrill to the LIKE-free sound of bat on ball! Notice what others around you are doing! Pay attention to the score! Find out who that guy at bat is, whether or not you like his walk-up music!

In addition, Guaranteed Rate Field (and yes, it pains us to type that every bit as much as it pains your to read it) will be installing, for this one, device-free night only, old-fashioned telephone booths. So if need be, or you want to really experience the past, you can make a telephone call just like your ancestors used to make. Remember to bring dimes! (Those are the little, teeny silver coins.)

South Side Inferiority Complex Heritage Night

Tired of constantly playing second fiddle to the fat cats, and Ursidae, on the north side? Frustrated with the never-ending press coverage of grizzlies, pandas, and polars every time they so much as defecate in the woods? Sick of not even being able to get a cab to come south of 61^st Street? Don’t sit there and stew — come join us on May 22, for South Side Inferiority Complex Heritage Night!

The first 2,000 fans in attendance will receive a commemorative “We’re Number Two” ball cap, (sponsored by Avis Rent-A-Car ... Avis Rent-a-Car®, It’s Your Space™), and all fans will receive a specially-designed “What’re YOU lookin’ at?” refrigerator magnet, featuring the White Sox logo.

As an added inducement, a team of surgeons from the University of Chicago will be available on the 300 level concourse to perform, free-of-charge, a simple, outpatient procedure to remove the chip on your shoulder. First come, first served.

Emo Music Night

Being a White Sox can often feel hopeless. What could feel more hopeless than a night of Emo? You’re dour? Emo is even more dour! So come join us on May 30, to let your feeling out during a night of distressing White Sox baseball, accompanied by tortured, down-beat, navel-gazing rock and roll.

After the game, which the Sox will probably lose, you’ll be treated to the music of Jimmy Eat World, the Promise Ring, and Dashboard Confessional, all performed by a covers band from Oak Park (TBD), and a taped message from Rivers Cuomo telling you that your new relationship is certain to crash and burn like Daniel Palka diving for a sinking liner, so why bother?

As an added treat, damp fireworks will be lit and, well, we’ll just see what happens. If anything. Probably nothing will. Everything sucks. Let’s just go home.

Tent Meeting Sundays

Even the atheists among us are praying that the White Sox farm system and front office will produce an exciting, competitive, and contending team one of these years, so why not pool our spiritual energy and partake of some desperation fellowship on Tent Meeting Sundays?

Yes, one hour prior to all Sunday home games, the White Sox will host an interfaith, and no faith, prayer meeting.

Each Tent Meeting Sunday will feature invocations from inspirational, spiritual leaders of all faiths, including Christians, Hindus, Hebrews, Muslims, Mormons, Rastafarians, Pastafarians, Zoroastrians, Buddhists, Taoists, Cthulhu cultists, and even some godless heathens and Humanists.

If it will protect the prospects’ health and bring a winner to the South Side, we’ll toss virgins into volcanos, at this point.

So join us on Tent Meeting Sundays as we gather together to beseech the heavens (or underworlds, or whatever) to send us a good team that can make the playoffs.

Some restrictions apply. You must be 18 years of age or older to offer yourself as a sacrificial virgin. And we’ll need to see some ID. Nyarlathotep not admitted, regardless of guise.

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And this isn’t all, Sox fans. Watch this space for further, exciting promotions from your Chicago White Sox. Please, come to the ballpark.