Mechanical Turk (mechanical turk) is a first-time SSS writer, longtime SSS commenter. My taking the reins of South Side Sox was contingent on getting the Turk to move his muses above the Comments Section. Well, actually, no, it wasn’t, but that is what I told him.
For those familiar with Mechanical Turk’s musings, please, come back into the room. Seriously, my hunch that the Turk’s prose would play on SSS is going to pay off, as our negotiation exchanges indicated almost immediately. The Turk at 100% is beyond Bois-ian. Dim the death ray down to ~50%. Now, that’s all hat, some cattle.
There is a place for absurdity, and it is here.
Meet the Players: Quick Hits
Hometown: One of a countless number of identical western suburbs.
White Sox fan, since nihilism and depression are all the rage.
First White Sox memory: OK, you guys, I have honestly racked my brain and I am coming up completely blank here, but I will say that one thing I can recall is that I went to the game on August 19, 2009 and that it was quite nice except for when Mark Teahen hit a home run off of Matt Thornton.
Favorite White Sox memory: The real favorite memories are the friends we make along the way.
Favorite White Sox player: There was never really more than one choice here.
Next White Sox statue: Mark Buehrle, unless Jerry Reinsdorf dies before the All-Star break.
Next White Sox retired number: 56, but for Ravelo Manzanillo
Go-to concession food at Sox Park: I’m the type of fun-hating person who likes to go to a baseball game, sit in my seats, and stare intensely at the field, growing progressively more unhappy until the team I like finally loses. Sometimes I keep score, so I can know just how badly they lost. It’s very time-consuming work, and it doesn’t leave much space for overpriced concessions.
HALL OF FAME SPEED ROUND
HAROLD BAINES No
MARK BUEHRLE No. When I talk to people about Buehrle, the non-stat people don’t realize how good he was, or didn’t at the time. Maybe looking back they’ll notice and he’ll get some love, but not enough. And the stat people will recognize that he was very good but didn’t quite sustain greatness like the really top-tier guys did.
JOE JACKSON Despite his obvious greatness, they’re not going to put him in at this point. And you know, I don’t think people want redemption for Jackson or the Black Sox. They like having villains. I saw Nate Silver say on Twitter that if he found himself 100 years in the past he would make money by betting against the White Sox. What, asshole, you wouldn’t try to stop one of the greatest tragedies in sports? Nah, he’d exploit it for profit. I guess I just lack the mindset of a gambler, but I don’t think it would occur to me to say, “Bet you $100 this Hitler stuff turns out to be a real mess.”
PAUL KONERKO No. However, remember that game on Saturday, June 26, 2010, when Andrew Cashner of the Cubs blew 100 mph heat past Konerko in the eighth inning of a tie game? I remember daring Cashner, out loud, to try that shit again. I was not at all concerned, and neither was Cashner because he did try that shit again and Konerko wanged a dinger out to very much untie the game. The win that night was the Sox’ 11th straight. I’m changing my answer to yes just for that alone.
MINNIE MIÑOSO I know putting Minnie in the hall is a popular thing around here, but then again, we look at the whole package and his being the first black Latin player in the majors. If you ignore that context and simply look at how he played the game of baseball, then yes, obviously he should have been in a long time ago.
YOAN MONCADA Clearly yes, there’s no way a promising second baseman with tremendous hair could ever let me down.
CHRIS SALE He’s actually not eligible yet.
South Side Sox on the field: That guy you forget is on the roster, except he’s somehow in every single shot of the dugout, standing near the manager on the dugout railing being very enthusiastic and complaining at the umpire and cheering scores and a bit too pointedly ignoring the rookie’s first home run, but he never seems to play except to occasionally pinch run, but he’s misused even then, like replacing the center fielder on second after he’s just hit a double when there is a 300-pound dude who had his knees surgically replaced with cinder blocks on third base and the game is tied anyway, and then he’s replaced by the backup outfielder who would have been a faster baserunner in the first place.
Favorite Baseball Movie: The Naked Gun (how did I not think of The Untouchables for a baseball move, damn you, larry)
True or false: Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that wonders what the part that isn’t thinking isn’t thinking of. False. There are plenty of people piles without thinking parts out there.