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Debate over Michael Kopech and Eloy Jiménez call-ups, sub-.600 OPSing OFs rages on; White Sox offer a onesie

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Club will open up the final month of, conceivably, the worst season in White Sox history with a tight ensemble aimed at the ‘too lazy to dress’ set

Shoes Optional: You’ll be able to luxuriate through another cold winter of the White Sox rebuild in this snappy onesie — but only if you’re clever enough to be among the first 10,000 fans on September 1.
Chicago White Sox/Anheuser-Busch

Chicago White Sox general manager Rick Hahn, who was submerged by a 9-27 start to the season only to finally gasp air recently, as the team has resurfaced with a 15-16 stretch over the last 31 games, gladly turned over the podium to senior vice president of sales and marketing Brooks Boyer on Friday for a big team announcement.

No, the announcement is not one of a reborn K corner to celebrate the promotion of fireballer Michael Kopech, or a bobblehead giveaway that young clubber Eloy Jiménez himself will pass out at the gates before a future home game.

It was about beer.

“Budweiser is the great American lager and has a long history with the great American sport of baseball,” Boyer said via press release, and with breathless excitement. “Budweiser’s commitment to raising the bar for delivering the highest quality product for its customers is no different than the White Sox commitment to delivering a quality experience for fans attending our games. We look forward to joining our efforts and activating our relationship in the ballpark and throughout Chicagoland because baseball and Budweiser go hand in hand.”

What’s more, the White Sox are unveiling a primo promotion to celebrate their new partnership: a onesie.

According to Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, onesies first began their climb into the public eye at the turn of the century, popularized by a product called — this is not a joke — JumpingJammerz. By 2007, a onesie was included in the swag bag prepared for Academy Award celebs far too rich and powerful and beautiful to still be getting crap for free.

At the beginning of this decade, the onesie, not yet dead as a lazy person’s fashion accessory, hurtled into full-blown sensation, making the Sansabelt slacks of the 1980s look downright tuxedoian by comparison. Apparently, in 2010 Ryan Gosling wore a onesie on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, and if that doesn’t fuel the trend through the rest of the decade, what will?

In Europe, the Norwegian company OnePiece spread the onesie throughout the continent. By 2012, Seattle Mariners fan Macklemore rapped about onesies in an appropriately-titled ditty, “Thrift Shop,” which went on to become only the second independently-released song in history to hit No. 1 on the Billboard chart.

As pictured above, the White Sox giveaway is a sleek, black number, with three distinct White Sox logos in a repeating, vertical pattern. Budweiser’s ubiquitous red logo shouts horizontally throughout the piece.

“The giveaway, limited to 10,000 fans, is fitted only for adults,” said a White Sox official. “This is not a Gerber-baby or child-sized onesie. Unless, of course, you have a really large child. We do not size-shame children here with the White Sox; they are free to eat as many Wednesday $1 hot dogs as they wish — or regularly-priced hot dogs on any day of the week.”

When pressed as to whether the onesies would be given out to 10,000 fans only on September 1 vs. the Boston Red Sox, or simply to the first 10,000 total fans in September, presuming the team draws 10,000 in September, the White Sox official hung up the phone.

Year of the Hamster, resident fashionista of South Side Sox, dialed up on the heels of the announcement with thoughts on this onesie giveaway.

“Make no mistake, fans, this ‘onesie’ is no 1940s siren suit, Civil War-era union suit, or Japanese kigurumi,” she said. “No, this Budweiser onesie, curiously sporting the super-cool ‘sock’ logo the White Sox so dismissively trimmed from their road uniforms not so long ago, is best likened to the ‘blanket sleeper.’”

When asked what a blanket sleeper is, Hamster was succinct: “It’s a blanket that you sleep in, dumbass.”

SSS Bud Light Lime connoisseur KenWo was not available for direct comment on today’s exciting beverage developments, but is presumably pleased at the heightened awareness and availability of his signature drink.

“All I know is that I bring my BLL to methup tailgates, and [SSS denizens] drink up my whole stash,” he growled. “I hope now I can tell all you jabronies to leave my stash alone, and order inside the park.”

Kopech is currently struggling at Triple-A Charlotte, purportedly “too immature” to benefit from the guidance of the top pitching coach in the organization and potentially all of major league baseball, Don Cooper. Jiménez languishes in Double-A Birmingham, presumably as some sort of AA All-Star Game “thank you” gesture to the Barons, who apparently haven’t been properly thanked since Michael Jordan bought the club a luxury travel bus in 1994.

Heading into Friday’s action, center fielder Adam Engel has played in 87% of White Sox games this season and is slashing .216/.278./310. Right fielder Trayce Thompson has played in 85% of White Sox games since being acquired on April 19 and sports a .124/.175/.230 mark.