:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/62928134/106937965.jpg.0.jpg)
Think back to previous baseball offseasons. Setting aside personal variables (you lost your job, your parents got divorced, you got divorced, you lost a loved one), raise your hand if 2018-19 qualifies as objectively the Worst. Offseason. Ever.
Yeah, I thought so.
White Sox fans are on edge, not a day going by without a flare-up on the message boards. Over nothing, really. But people are crabby. They want to fight somebody, and Rick Hahn’s not stopping by for coffee, so.
The following represents a brief accounting of all the things that are making Sox fans crabby, in no particular order.
Yoan Moncada struck out 217 times last season. Yep, this is still lingering. Do the Ks qualify him as a bust? Can his other tools take the leap forward everybody’s looking for in 2019? Legit concerns, but we’d all rather be watching it rather than anticipating it. Spring training can’t get here fast enough.
Crabbiness rating: V.v.V Two crabs V.v.V
Harpchado. Just sign somewhere already! And if that “somewhere” isn’t with the White Sox, all is lost in the rebuild forever and until the end of time.
Crabbiness rating: V.v.V V.v.V 5 crabs V.v.V V.v.V V.v.V
The White Sox have only won one Word Series in the past 100+ years. Seriously. Why are people arguing about this?
Crabbiness rating: 1 crab V.v.V
The Los Angeles Dodgers are rumored to be shopping Joc Pederson, and somebody said the Sox are giving up Dane Dunning to get him. Never mind that other teams are in the trade mix, that the Dunning idea is literal, actual speculation and based on nothing. Dane Dunning was going to be an All-Star and World Series MVP, how could we give him up??
Crabbiness rating: V.v.V Two crabs V.v.V
Michael Kopech is missing all of 2019. It sets back whatever timeline the Sox have to become a better team, for sure.
Crabbiness rating: V.v.V Two crabs V.v.V
Every other team is getting better players than the Sox. Or at least it seems like it.
Crabbiness rating: V.v.V 3 crabs V.v.V V.v.V
Meanwhile, the Sox’s acquisitions thus far can be summed up as “meh.” Ivan Nova? Sure, he fills a need. And the bullpen has gotten better. John Jay immediately becomes our best outfielder, which is sad. But James McCann? Yonder Alonso? What?
Crabbiness rating: V.v.V V.v.V 4 crabs V.v.V V.v.V
Nick Madrigal. Baseball America has him at No. 43 on their Top 100 prospect list, and Baseball Prospectus has him at a whopping No. 15. But he’s probably just a slap hitter who will never make it to the bigs. Or he’s the next coming of Jose Altuve. Discuss.
Crabbiness rating: V.v.V 3 crabs V.v.V V.v.V
Twitter is the worst. Enough said.
Crabbiness rating: V.v.V V.v.V 4 crabs V.v.V V.v.V
Harold Baines got elected to the Hall of Fame. Harold is beloved by most Sox fans, yet this ultimate honor is causing consternation. It’s brought invectives upon him that the good man does not deserve. This is unfair to him and to Sox fans who for some reason have to justify it to the Twitterverse. Another reason I hate HOF discussions.
Crabbiness rating: V.v.V V.v.V 4 crabs V.v.V V.v.V
Somehow, Tyler Flowers keeps coming up. Every conversation about McCann or Omar Narvaez turns to him eventually.
Crabbiness rating: V.v.V Two crabs V.v.V
Collusion (maybe), salary suppression (definitely), and a looming players’ strike. Right when the Sox are supposed to be good again. Because of course.
Crabbiness rating: V.v.V V.v.V 5 crabs V.v.V V.v.V V.v.V
Yeah, it’s a long effin’ list, and I’m sure I missed a few. Collectively, we Sox fans need some decompression, some stress relief. Whatever that means for you — bourbon, a bubble bath, ice cream, yoga, sex — please go do that.
Or, Manny Machado could just sign with the Sox already, and bring this nonsense to a merciful end.