FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Friday, February 1, 2019
WHITE SOX ANNOUNCE LATEST BEVY OF INNOVATIVE PROMOTIONS INTENDED TO MAKE OUR SECOND-DIVISION DWELLERS PALATABLE
100 Years of Black Sox, Bro-Country Music Night, Harold Baines Hall of Fame Non-Bobbling Bobblehead Day, Perfect Game Night, Are All Part of Our Early-Season Promotional Specials
CHICAGO — Tired of the rebuild? Uninspired by the waning charm of watching Adam Engel bat and Nicky Delmonico field? Staying home from the ballpark until your Chicago White Sox are at least a .500 team again?
We feel your pain.
And while we all wait for exciting, competitive baseball to return to Guaranteed Rate Field (and yes, it pains us to type that every bit as much as it pains your to read it), we’re coming up with new, innovative ways to make an afternoon or evening out at the ol’ ball yard your first choice in family entertainment.
Here are just a few of the ways you can have fun while rooting on whoever’s wearing your favorite uniform in 2019, while we wait for players you’ll want to pay to see!#
100 Years of Black Sox!
Join us throughout the season as we celebrate those lovable louts, the 1919 Chicago Black Sox. Special-themed nights include:
Joe Jackson Say-it-Ain’t-So Bobblehead Night
Joe always insisted it wasn’t so, and May 3 is your chance to see him shake his little plastic head in person. The first 7,000 fans arriving at the park without shoes will go home with this delightful reminder that Joe actually hit .375 for the series, handled 30 fielding chances without an error, threw out a bunch of baserunners, hit the Series’ only homer, and still managed to get himself banned for life.
Free T-shirt Friday
To kick off a weekend of festivities, the first 1,200 fans on June 14 will receive a commemorative My Team Threw the World Series and All I Got was this Stupid Shirt T-shirt. Like the penalties for the fix, one size fits all.
Buck Weaver Lookalike Contest
On June 15, One lucky fan will be chosen go home with a $500 dollar gift certificate from Chicago Cosmetic Surgery and Dermatology for looking the most like legendary third-sacker Weaver. Winner will be determined by audience Applause-O-Meter results, live during the seventh-inning stretch. Runners-up will receive equal amounts of pity and scorn. Must be 18 years of age or older, though since Buck looked to be about 55 even in his youth, chances are you’ll never make it through the elimination rounds unless you do, too.
Interactive Chick Gandil Replica Hotel Room
Continue our celebratory weekend on June 16 by touring a life-sized replica of the Ansonia Hotel room in New York City, where Gandil made the magic happen. Located on the 100 Level, the interactive exhibit includes attractions like:
- Tobacco Spitting: into a real-life replica cuspidor.
- Fill the Bedpan: See if you’re as full of it as Chick was when he insisted the players actually decided not to throw the games, but played badly because they were nervous.
- Draw the Shades: Think you’re being watched as you plot with professional gamblers? Pull down the replica window shades and hide your nefarious goings-on.
Fred McMullin Opportunist Night
Ever wanted to horn your way into somebody else’s deal? June 27 presents your chance, as the White Sox offer you the opportunity to split part of a player’s endorsement fees. One lucky fan will get to spin a wheel of White Sox players’ names, and whoever comes up will pay you 5%* of their season’s endorsement contracts. Will you strike it big with José Abreu? Chisel away 5% of Adam Engel’s fees? You won’t know until you give that wheel a good, hard spin.
Charles Risberg Swedish Appreciation Night
Think the Italians and Eastern Europeans are the tough guys? Think again. Come out to the ball park on July 2 and get a taste of some Swedish enforcement. Groups of five or more (preferably, eight), will get a chance to be verbally and physically threatened by an actual Swedish immigrant, courtesy of Chicago’s own Swedish-American Museum. One lucky ticketholder will be chosen at random to be Swede Risberg for the night, and allowed to threaten to slap around season ticketholders in the section behind the Sox dugout during the fifth inning. The longer the inning goes, the longer you get to get your Swede on. As a special attraction, the mascot racers will all be riding Dala Horses during the race. Hold tight the reins, there, Hawk!
Arnold Rothstein Brown Bag Night
Many of you loyal fans have played the Sox Charities 50/50 split, and many, if somewhat fewer, have won big bucks while supporting good works in the community. But none of you have ever had your winnings delivered to you, in-person, by an actual big-time gambler! Now’s your chance. The winner of July 13’s 50/50 split will have her or his share of the proceedings delivered to your seat, right there in the ballpark, in an unmarked, brown paper bag, by an actual Chicago numbers racketeer, nattily attired in a period suit and snappy bowtie*.
*Identity of racketeer will not be divulged, but a certificate of authenticity will be available during business hours at the Chicago White Sox main offices.
Burn Kennesaw Mountain Landis in Effigy Afternoon
Our centennial celebrations come to a close as part of a special Family Sunday on July 28, with a ceremonial burning of the first and former Commissioner of Baseball, Judge Kennesaw Mountain Landis. Stick around after the game, when the Judge’s effigy will be set alight in center field. The Sox may have deserved their punishment, but he was a vile SOB anyway, so screw him. Dollar hot dogs and 25¢ marshmallows will be avail for roasting. Warning: likely to have bitter, rancid aftertaste.
Bro-Country Demolition Night
The modern world is filled with musical abominations, but perhaps none are as gag-inducing as the festering sinkhole fondly known as “Bro-Country.” On July 12, come do your part in effacing this aural and visual assault on taste and common decency by bringing your records, tapes, mp3 players and Spotified smart phones and join in the fun. Festivities include:
- Actual, real-life women, not wearing tight cutoff jeans shorts or halter tops, taking baseball bats to a Ford pickup truck. First come, first served.
- $19.79 beers — because something needs to slow those people down.
- Rascal Flats sound-alike contest. Winners to be banned from Guaranteed Rate Field for life, as will be all runners-up.
- Kids can play pin the tail on the jackass on 100 Level concourse all game long.
- Burning of Bro-Country recorded media. Lots and lots of burning of Bro-Country recorded media. Including, maybe especially, videos.
Harold Baines Hall of Fame Non-Bobbling Bobblehead Day
If you can’t go to Cooperstown, join the White Sox in honoring Harold Baines’s selection by the Hall of Fame Toady’s Committee. The first 7,000 fans on July 21 will receive a commemorative non-bobbling bobblehead, celebrating Harold’s reticent nature and generally frozen expression. Harold doesn’t bobble — neither should his head.
Perfect Game Night
Call your friends! Call your family! (But let Hawk sleep!) July 23 is the 10-year anniversary of Mark Buehrle’s perfecto, and the Sox are ready to celebrate. We’re giving away nothing, of course, because that’s the Beuhrle way! Before the game, visitors will have the opportunity to pose for pictures with Mark’s very own glove on their heads! Mark himself will be throwing out both the ceremonial first and last pitches! (Last pitch subject to the approval of MLB and Don Cooper, depending upon the situation, but honestly, Beuhrle is still probably as good as whoever might be on the mound for the last out anyway.)
Special guest Phil Humber will be on hand to remind everyone that he threw one too! Special guest Jason Bartlett will be on hand to remind everyone that he did, indeed, do other things in his career besides grounding out! After the game, kids are welcome to come onto the field and attempt to throw balls over the left centerfield wall, where Dwayne Wise will be positioned to catch them! Every last one of them!
In the event the White Sox starter throws his own perfect game this night, well, we’ll all get drunk and dance all night!
And this isn’t all, Sox fans. Here is our first run of announced promotions, from back in November. Watch this space for further, exciting promotions from your Chicago White Sox. Please, come to the ballpark. Please?
#all dates tentative and subject to change at the discretion of the Chicago White Sox, Major League Baseball, and whether or not we sign Manny Machado, who might want to do something else on the day of any of these promotions, and at this point we’ll let him if he’ll just sign our damn contract.