FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Wednesday, March 27, 2019
WHITE SOX ANNOUNCE BEVY OF INNOVATIVE PROMOTIONS TO MAKE OUR SECOND-DIVISION DWELLERS PALATABLE
Rose-Colored Glasses Nights, Herm Schneider BobbleBelly Night, Thank-the-Baseball-Gods-for-Eloy Night, Dylan Cease Day, Ducks on the Pond Day, Tommy John Surgery Days Are All Part of Our Early-Season Promotional Specials
CHICAGO — Tired of hearing about the rebuild and want to see some of it? Depressed over major free agents making stupid decisions based in self-interest? Staying home from the ballpark until your Chicago White Sox are at least a .500 team again? Well, reconsider! Please!
The Chicago White Sox feel your pain, and as (maybe) exciting, (hopefully) competitive baseball returns to Guaranteed Rate Field (home of the logo begging you to take the other direction), we’re coming up with new, exciting, ultra-mega-hyper-innovative ways to make an afternoon or evening out at the ol’ ball yard your first choice in family entertainment. Or second, if that first one’s sold out.
Here are just a few of the ways you can have fun while rooting on whoever’s wearing your favorite uniform during 2019 season while we wait for players to show us something you’ll want to pay to see!
Rose-Colored Glasses Night (After Night)
The brainchild of our very own front office, the first 500,000 fans of the season will receive a pair of pretty redish-lensed glasses, specially formulated to show all, well, glasses, as half-full, all journeys as downhill-from-here, and every .235 hitter as, well, almost a .250 hitter with just a few bad breaks and bad hops. K rate of 27%? That’s better than 30%, am I right? You want these glasses! Heck, you might just need these glasses!
Herm Schneider BobbleBelly Night
Join us on August 10 to celebrate the career of recently retired, Hall of Fame-worthy team trainer emeritus Herm Schneider. During his illustrious time on the South Side, Herm has kept White Sox players healthy and productive at a rate that’s the envy of other MLB teams. To honor Herm, and his statuesque (one might say, zaftig) physique, the first 5,000 fans will receive a Herm bobblebelly depicting him amble-trotting on to the field to attend a player rolling in the dirt after being hit by a pitch, or sprawled on the warning track after plowing into the wall at full speed. You won’t have to be injured yourself to appreciate the sight of a little, plastic Herb, belly bobbing, coming to see if you can tell how many fingers he’s holding up.
Thank-the-Baseball-Gods for Eloy Night
It’s not often the White Sox get headlines for something positive, so Eloy Jiménez is pretty much heaven-sent. Come celebrate our please-oh-please-be-our-savior on June 28, for a festive night of:
- Free Eloyotes All fans will receive a coupon good for one serving of delicious elotes with up to six toppings, and vendor-options for two more toppings at only $1 apiece. If Eloy wins the AL Rookie of the Year award, your snack will retroactively taste 30% better.
- Replica Contracts The first 10,000 fans will receive a replica of Eloy’s new contract, with a blank space for you to sign yourself. Photographers will be on hand to snap a photo of you proudly announcing your signing, standing next to a life-size cardboard cutout of Rick Hahn. (Color of socks to be determined at game time.)
- Free “Manny Who?” T-shirts The first 5,000 fans will also receive a free T-shirt celebrating how Eloy is going to make us all forget about that guy with a piss-poor attitude who doesn’t really hustle and nobody’s worth that kind of money anyway that signed with some other team (we forget which one) that way overpaid him. One size fits all. Trust us. It will.
Dylan Cease Day
Details to come. Fingers crossed. I mean, he’s not hurt yet, you know?
Ducks on the Pond Day
Come explore our new Goose Island, “Goose Island,” On June 2 only, we’ll be flooding the entire “Goose Island” section, inviting kids 12 and under* to bring inflatable floating devices, and splashing our way to fun and victory.
- Play “Ring-the-Goose’s-Neck” by tossing hula hoops over our “10-foot Goose Island tap handle statue.”
- Take part in “bat-le” boat races, using actual game-used bats to paddle your way from the “new, custom Goose Island Beer Company walk-up bar, accessible from the 100-level outfield concourse” to the field-level outfield seats and back.
- Enter to win “I Got Goosed” T-shirts.
* Must be accompanied by parent or guardian. Three drink minimum.
University of Chicago Hospitals Present Tommy John Surgery Days
Jealous of all those prospects enjoying a year of fully-paid vacation while they recuperate from their Tommy John surgeries? Now’s your chance to join them. During selected weekend games during the 2019 season, four fans will be selected at random by our Sox Pride Crew to compete in between-innings contests to light up the radar guns for the crowd and blow out their own elbows. One lucky winner per UCHPTJS Day will get to undergo ulnar collateral ligament (UCL) surgery, provided free of charge by University of Chicago Hospital surgical residents. And after their surgery, they’ll receive the average salary of a typical AA pitcher for a full year!
Assuming you still remember everything else we’ve rolled out for you this year, like Wilbur Wood Wet T-shirt Night and the Buck Weaver Lookalike Contest, that’s a wrap on this season’s promotions, Sox fans. Unless you count our inexplicable attempt to turn the unmitigated disaster and PR nightmare of Disco Demolition Night into a rollicking, nostalgic cause for celebration. (Gays and African-Americans welcome this time.)
And let us leave you with this final thought: Please, come to the ballpark. Please? We’ll really appreciate it.
All dates tentative and subject to change at the discretion of the Chicago White Sox, Major League Baseball, and Jerry’s ability to get sponsors to pay for it all.^
^Dammit, this offseason even has me making “Renisdorf’s cheap” shots.