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Quarterly Report Card.

As a school teacher I look at life in quarters. Today is the end of the 1st quarter for the White Sox. 41 games into a 162 game schedule is slightly more than a quarter I understand, but it’s tough to report on 40.5 games.


Spring training started out with hopes, not high hopes, nor low hopes, just hopes. Like we hope we don’t go 0-162. Most teams fans think their team will go 162-0, or at least win about 160, but our fans have been jaded and we hope for at least a few wins.


Well our cactus league results weren’t exactly sterling. But most of us didn’t notice because March Madness made us all wonder why none of the major D1 programs in the state weren’t playing beyond their conference tournaments.


This Cactus League will always be remembered for when the Sox shrewdly signed Manny Muchado’s brother in law, homie, dentist, accountant, and spiritual advisor in an attempt to bring the greatest Manny since Manny Trillo was looking at baseballs before he threw them in the 1970’s in Wrigley. (The other Manny doesn’t count because he cheated) Of course Manny checked the daily weather pages and decided that springs in San Diego are much nicer than the extended winters we spend here, and well we’re stuck with all of Manny’s entourage except for the accountant, whom Jerry let go. Jerry was heard saying, "accountants, we don’t need no stinking accountants"


Speaking of Jerry, his WAR dropped after Manny decided he liked 80 degrees every day. His WAR was dropping faster than the DOW in 1929 when the other greatest talent in a generation decided he’d rather have people booing in Philly than spring weather in baseball. Jerry’s WAR is now lower than Comiskey’s after the 1919 season.


Speaking of our infamous 1919 season, it’s 100 years later and after Timmy returned his bat to the dugout an umpire named Joe threw him out of the game and Timmy was heard saying "say it aint so Joe". Everyone agreed it was the most famous bat incident at Sox Park since Joey Belles bat was stolen by a ninja indian out of the umpires room.


Speaking of Timmy, he gave Sox fans hope. We realized after 2 awful losses to KC and the Sunshine Band, that we would have to hit the ball to win games and Timmy led the charge by hitting and bat flipping, and causing baseball purists to wonder what has happened to their now impure game.


Speaking of impure, the Sox pitching staff was struck with impure pitching. The box on the screen kept showing two kinds of pitches. Ones which missed the box which was eventually followed by a man walking to first, and others walking from first to 2nd, 2nd to 3rd, and 3rd to 4th. The scoreboard numbers were changing in the R column faster than the numbers on the gas pump. The other kind of pitches were the ones which actually were thrown in the box and then were hit with great distance and exit velocity causing fans to wonder how we got along with 140 years of baseball without knowing how hard the ball was hit. It’s a shame Babe’s fans didn’t know how hard his 714 homers were hit.


Speaking of hits, some of our best players developed allergies to hits. It was shocking really to see professionally trained hitters flailing at balls thrown underhand by pitchers from ten feet away like we do for our 5 year olds in the yard. When one of them finally did get a hit, the team responded by sending him down the farm leagues where he is now swinging and missing pitches thrown from 8 feet away.


We did solve the problem of one of our sluggers who was struggling. We got his father who was always tough on his son to comment on every at bat of the slugger how bad he was performing.

The staff then told the man to get lost and that eased the pressure on the slugger whose WAR and BABIP and Exit Velocities have gone off the chart ever since.


The last couple of extremely important issues facing this team in the 1st quarter are defense and Tommy John Surgery (which is a funny last name because we used to have a player named Tommy John) whom we’ll call TJS. TJS’s WAR has gone off the charts this season. He is a most vile creature and we really has a way of attacking young Chicago White Soxers. TJS’ most recent victim will be able to return to action when he’s 52 and Jerry is running the team from the cheaper double occupancy room of the Sacred Grounds Rest Home.


Speaking of home, lots of guys have been making their way home against us because our defenders have been treating the ball like it’s a pile of rutabaga on a 6 year olds plate. Throws to the upper deck, grounders through the pitcher (named TJS) SS and center fielders legs all on one hit have not been uncommon. Another strange occurrence has been the strange defensive strategy called demolition derby defense (which we’ll just call DDD, which does make the mind wander a bit). The implementation of DDD has caused shortstops to run into right fielders both trying to catch the ball. It’s also been manifested in the strange disrespect of walls and their inherent strength. Fielder have paid no regard for walls formidable characteristics which has led to an increased visit of our defenders to the injured list which sounds better than disabled list.


Finally, things are looking up. TJS was just traded by Jerry for international pool money which he intends to use on a hot prospect from the nation of Tuvalu.


Will report back after the 2nd quarter.


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