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The Jake Burger Diaries: June 26-July 2

Nutritional hazards, Wiffleball battles, and a first date all loom large in the life of a rehabber

New York Yankees v Chicago White Sox

After about a dozen queries on the whereabouts of Chicago White Sox third base prospect (and 2019 SSS Top Prospect No. 9) Jake Burger over the course of several weeks during his rehab from a second Achilles surgery, it was time to take decisive action. Why? Because no one knew. Aside from the occasional movie tweet or The Office gif on Twitter, Burger was MIA.

Getting the scoop is no easy task. Thus we sent out one of our best, Right Size Wrong Shape, out to Arizona to find Jake. RSWS has been giving us the daily doings each night at the end of the Minor League Update, but creating a cohesive narrative takes a bit more work than that. Thus, as observed and reported, we present the Jake Burger Diaries, which may or may not have been told directly by Jake to Right Size Wrong Shape.

June 26

Woke up around 10:30. I didn’t have much around the house, so breakfast consisted of some cream of wheat and a banana. Decided it was time to go grocery shopping, so I hit the Safeway around 11:30. Tried to talk up the pretty girl in the checkout lane, but nothing doing. Voted for James McCann. Stopped by Home Depot to pick up a few odds and ends, but mostly for the hot dogs. Stopped by the team facilities for a workout and to ice down the heel. Went out to dinner with a few of the guys, went home to watch the D-Backs game. Did some light reading and called it a night.

June 27

A rough day on the comeback trail. When I went outside to get his newspaper yesterday morning, the door closed behind me and locked me out. The good news is that on the advice of my mother, Shannon, I purchased a hide-a-key and had a spare key made at Home Depot the day before. The bad news is that I hadn’t decided on the best spot to put it, so the hide-a-key remained unopened, sitting inside on his kitchen counter. Long story short, I had to get a ride to the team facility from Carlos Rodón, who made fun of me the entire way.

Note to self: Hide the hide-a-key!

June 28

I’m still dealing with the bruised heel, and am hoping to be back by the end of the AZL season or the Fall League.

Even with that news, things started looking up yesterday. The washing machine at the condo is down, so I had to do a few loads at the laundromat. Using the machine next to me was the girl from the checkout line at Safeway. She’s actually a little bit older than I thought (33), but I’m kind of into that. This time, I managed to drop into conversation that I’m a professional ballplayer, and Safeway girl was much more receptive to my shy Midwesterner routine. We exchanged phone numbers and made plans to meet later next week.

June 29

Here are some things I definitely did not do yesterday:

  • I definitely did not sleep until 11:30, watch cartoons, then fall back asleep.
  • My breakfast (lunch) definitely did not consist of four bowls of Apple Jacks and a can of Mountain Dew.
  • I definitely did not run out of clean plates and respond by eating my Jack’s frozen pizza on a frying pan rather than actually doing some dishes.
  • I definitely did not play video games with Dane Dunning until 3:30 in the morning.

I’m not in college anymore. I’m a grown man out on my own, making my way in the world. So I definitely did not do any of those things.

June 30

Let’s be honest, heel injuries suck. They’re painful as hell, need a lot of rest, and make it really hard to maintain a consistent cardio workout program. This is of particular interest to me, because I worked really hard to get into playing shape. I’m naturally a full-figured boy, and not being able to run makes it difficult to keep the pounds off. So ordering that side salad today instead of the chili fries was no small thing, my friend. It was a triumph of the will. It was a commitment to my career, and to you, the White Sox fan. I did not succumb to the lure of the Mountain Dew goddess today. I am on the comeback trail.

July 1

I made a date with Gina (33-year-old frequenter of Safeway and Ranchie’s Laudromat) for Friday. I’m thinking dinner and a movie, but more importantly, I need a playlist for the time spent in the car! I don’t know much about Gina, but one thing that came out of our prior conversation was a shared love of hair metal. Now I need your help! I already have selected 10 of the 12 songs for my playlist (using the tried and true rocker/ballad/rocker/ballad formula), while trying to come off as fun and cool while mixing in a few deeper cuts at the same time. Here’s the list so far:

1. Still of the Night – Whitesnake
2. House of Pain – Faster Pussycat
3. Kickstart My Heart – Motley Crue
4. Fly to the Angels – Slaughter
5. Kiss Me Deadly – Lita Ford
6. Living Without You – Shotgun Messiah
7. Gypsy Road – Cinderella
8. This was tough. Perfect spot for a Skid Row power ballad, but do I go with the biggest hit (I Remember You), or my favorite (Wasted Time)? I decided to split the difference and go with Quicksand Jesus.
9. The Zoo – Scorpions
10. Just Take My Heart – Mr. Big
11. ?
12. ?

Come on SSS. I need this. Help me complete my playlist and pave the way for a successful first date with Gina.

July 2

Jake Burger’s Team 13, Tommy Dantley’s Team 9

Skippy Mendelthorpe (SP): 2 ⅓ IP, 8 H, 6 R, 6 ER, 2 B, 1 K, 1 WP
Jason Mason (2B): 2-for-5, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 RBI, 1 BB, 1 SB
Lazarus Wilson (RF): 5-for-5, 5 HR, 1 BB, 1 SB MVP
Jake Burger (DH): 3-for-3, 3 HR, 3 HBP
Carl Winkel (LF): 3-for-5, 1 R, 1 3B, 1 RBI
Doug Schmidt (CF): 1-for-4, 2 R, 1 RBI, 1 K, 1 E
Ian Flaherty (1B): 1-for-3, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 2 BB, 1 K, 1 SB
Lucas Stanton (3B): 2-for-4, 2 R, 1 3B, 1 RBI, 1 BB, 1 SB
Julio Espinoza (SS): 1-for-5, 1 K, 1 CS

In yesterday’s Wiffleball game in the park next to my condo, I had a stellar start. Using nine-year-old Danny Gray as my pinch-runner, I promptly hit three home runs on the first three pitches I saw, the second of which cracked the ball, necessitating a trip back to 10-year-old Tommy Dantley’s house to get a new one. In the second half of the game my perfect day would remain intact, albeit in a more painful manner, as 10-year-old relief pitcher Timmy Saluuci hit me on the first pitch of my next three at-bats.