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Buona Beef, or Bueno Beefcake?

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The definitive guide to the beefiest White Sox of modern and historic times

Quinn Harris-USA TODAY Sports

I know what you’re thinking: What in the fresh hell is this? Some sort of bizarre player ranking, according to looks? Not at all! We’ve simply created a system to determine the outright beefiness of our current and former Sox players.

What is a beefcake, you ask? It is many things. Sure, it could be that the player is a handsome devil. But it could also be about swagger. It could be about biceps. It could be about the ability to crush a monster dong in the bottom of the 9th.

That’s what makes these players so special. Like the Italian sandwich of Chicago fame, these players are juicy, spicy, sweet — and packed with beef.

Now, let’s break down the categories. First, we have Legendary Beefcake. These guys have a level of beefiness that is just unstoppable. No one is beefier. No one is cakier. Then, there is Monster Beefcake. These are the legends-in-training. They possess a high level of beef, but we aren’t quite sure if the cake is the stuff of legends. Next is Traditional Beefcake. These beefs are just straight-up classic. Delicious, but not too anything. Then comes the Low-Cal Beefcake. These beefs are slimmer, more versatile, and lighter on the cake than the previous beefcakes. Finally, we have Vintage Beef. This category is reserved for former Sox players only, and can consist of a vast range of both beefiness and cakedom.

Without further ado, here are our selections for 2021 Chicago White Sox Beefcakes ...

Legendary Beefcake

Jimmy Cordero (Will)
Yoán Moncada (Eric)

These two players exemplify everything you want in a beefcake. Cordero takes it to the next level by flashing the right bicep at all times. And there is A LOT of bicep to flash. Between that cannon and his cocky demeanor, he perfectly encapsulates legendary beef.

Moncada is a no-brainer. The dude is built like Adonis. His legs looks like they weigh more than a Volvo. Plus, Yoán rocks roughly 40 pounds of gold chains around his neck. You just can’t do that unless you are a beef of legendary proportions.

Monster Beefcake

Yasmani Grandal (Will)
Eloy Jiménez (Eric)

From the waist down, there might not be a bigger beefcake than Grandal — he is a tank. Not to mention he can sport facial hair that would be deemed questionable on anyone else. The guy is a horse, and just when you start whining about his offensive production he smacks a monster dong 430 feet.

Eloy is clearly a monster beef. You have to be in order to use the nickname “Big Baby.” Who has beefier legs than a chunky baby? No one, and that’s why Eloy is a true Monster.

Traditional Beefcake

Liam Hendriks (Will)
José Abreu (Eric)

Hendriks may be the newest addition, but he is already familiar with Chicago-style beef. This thunder from down under may not be the most handsome devil, but with a fastball up around 97 mph and adorable photos of him with his pets, this dude is as traditional as an ice cold Foster’s.

Abreu is the epitome of traditional beef. He is huge. His arms are cannons. He is a born leader. And as one of the older members of the club, he is like the wise shaman of beefiness. We’re not sure about the “hair ties on the beard” look, but if anyone can pull it off, it is Abreu.

Low-Cal Beef

Tim Anderson (Will)
Adam Engel (Eric)

Anderson may be a slender lad, but don’t mistake that for non-beefdom. The dude fully embodies the ’cake, with unlimited swagger and his own Sox-based clothing brand. His social activism also solidifies his standing. Hey, there’s no such thing as small beefcakes — only small players.

Engel is also an easy choice. He’s lean, fast as lightning, and can fly through the air to rob anyone of a close-call dinger. He may not be a beefcake at first sight, but watch the guy play D and there is no doubt he is a worthy LCB.

Vintage Beef

Frank Thomas (Will)
Adam Dunn (Eric)

Thomas is vintage AND legendary. Probably a Top 5 beefcake ever to play the game. With the exception of that time he hurt his pinky, he has been the image of what it means to beef in the MLB.

Dunn, a surprising choice, is an acceptable vintage pick. He’s like the uncle at the family reunion who let himself go a little bit after getting laid off — the Bud Light of beef. But hey, beer can be beef, too.

So, who are your picks? And what ... beef ... do you have with ours?

Poll

Who is the TOP BEEF on the 2021 White Sox?

This poll is closed

  • 31%
    José Abreu
    (77 votes)
  • 6%
    Tim Anderson
    (15 votes)
  • 11%
    Jimmy Cordero
    (29 votes)
  • 0%
    Adam Engel
    (2 votes)
  • 2%
    Yasmani Grandal
    (6 votes)
  • 1%
    Liam Hendriks
    (3 votes)
  • 19%
    Eloy Jiménez
    (48 votes)
  • 26%
    Yoán Moncada
    (64 votes)
244 votes total Vote Now

Poll

What TOP BEEF from the past was overlooked?

This poll is closed

  • 13%
    Albert Belle
    (28 votes)
  • 5%
    Ivan Calderon
    (12 votes)
  • 12%
    Ron Kittle
    (27 votes)
  • 7%
    Ted Kluszewski
    (16 votes)
  • 21%
    Greg Luzinski
    (46 votes)
  • 7%
    Daniel Palka
    (17 votes)
  • 12%
    A.J. Pierzynski
    (27 votes)
  • 14%
    Juan Uribe
    (31 votes)
  • 3%
    Wilbur Wood
    (7 votes)
  • 1%
    Richie Zisk
    (3 votes)
214 votes total Vote Now