Offbeat

“He looks like he’s staring into my soul”

An 8-year-old rates all 30 active MLB mascots (and two retired ones)

By Chrystal O'Keefe Jun 4, 2021, 1:44pm CDT

Kids say the darndest things sometimes, my daughter is no exception to that.

At eight years old, she’s incredibly opinionated and always wants people to know exactly how she feels. I suggested she rank the MLB mascots as a story idea, after it came up on a recent podcast, and she ran with it. I think her teacher, softball coach and any random person she crossed this week knew that she would have her very own article up soon.

Mark Lazerus of The Athletic had his daughter rank NHL mascots to kick off the 2020 All-Star Weekend, after frequently tweeting about her collection of plush mascots he would buy as a souvenir during each road trip. She was not interested in hockey, but according to Mark, mascots are her jam.

Addy is occasionally interested in baseball, or at least the snacks she can consume during games. But mascots — that’s something she will always be interested in. She has pestered me all week about this article and was ecstatic when I brought the laptop and tablet out as she looked at pictures and I dictated her thoughts while listening to Jason and Steve in the background.

Realizing she could read about baseball teams on Epic.

Here are her unfiltered thoughts on the mascots across baseball, with power rankings at the end.

Slider (Cleveland) “Creepy, ugly and I don’t like that it has no mouth. And too hairy.”

Baxter the Bobcat (Arizona Diamondbacks) “Oh, OK. He’s funny. Also kind of weird.”

Southpaw (Chicago White Sox” “Aw. [Rubs tablet screen] He’s cute and funny.”

Homer the Brave (Atlanta Braves) “He’s creepy. I don’t like him.”

MLB: Minnesota Twins at St. Louis Cardinals

Fredbird (St. Louis Cardinals) “He’s funny and chubby. Also he looks kind of stupid.”

Rangers Captain (Texas Rangers) “He looks funny because his nose is so long.”

T.C. Bear (Minnesota Twins) “He’s funny and cute.” (I told her I don’t like the Twins and she said, “I don’t care, this is my ranking.”)

Arizona Diamondbacks v Washington Nationals

Screech (Washington Nationals) “No, no. He looks creepy. He looks like he’s staring into my soul.”

Raymond (Tampa Bay Rays) “He looks funny and chubby. He’s also really blue.”

MLB: Pittsburgh Pirates at Milwaukee Brewers

Bernie Brewer (Milwaukee Brewers) “I don’t like him. He probably kills kids on that slide.” [She moved away from the tablet.] Uh ... what?

2019 Little League Classic: Chicago Cubs v. Pittsburgh Pirates

The Pirate Parrot (Pittsburgh Pirates) “He’s silly.”

The Oriole Bird (Baltimore Orioles) “I like him, he’s cool. He’s so orange.”

Swinging Friar (San Diego Padres) “No.”

MLB: Exhibition-Oakland Athletics at San Francisco Giants

Lou Seal (San Francisco Giants) [laughs] “His eyes look really funny, and I like his sunglasses.”

Clark (Chicago Cubs) “He’s ugly. I don’t like that he’s not wearing pants. Dang.”

Mariner Moose (Seattle Mariners) “I like that he’s doing a flip in the (different from above) picture. He looks pretty cute and like he would be funny.”

Stomper (Oakland Athletics) “Oh he looks so cute. Is he nice?”

Sluggerrr (Kansas City Royals) “So, I like that it looks like he’s wearing a crown.”

Billy the Marlin (Miami Marlins) “Billy! You have a mascot named after you! He looks cute.” (Billy is her step-dad.)

2019 World Series Game 7 - Washington Nationals v. Houston Astros

Orbit (Houston Astros) “He looks really funny. I like his smile and um, yeah, that’s it. I do like his ears.”

Ace (Toronto Blue Jays) “Creepy. Super creepy.”

Wally the Green Monster (Boston Red Sox) “He looks like a dinosaur but at the same time, green slime.”

Paws (Detroit Tigers) “He just looks cute. Like Tony the Tiger.”

Gapper, Rosie Red, Mr. Redlegs and Mr. Red (Cincinnati Reds) “Are they married? They look fun, like people I would like to meet. Looks like they’re from the 1940’s.”

Dinger (Colorado Rockies) “He looks fun. He’s like one of the people from the Land Before Time, or Barney without the green mouth.”

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Mr. & Mrs. Met (New York Mets) “Fun. I like them, they’re like the Reds people.”

Phillie Phanatic (Philadelphia Phillies) “He looks like um, the Boston Red Sox mascot but furrier. His nose looks like broccoli. And he has funny shoes.”

Addy’s Top Five

Southpaw - Chicago White Sox
Lou Seal - San Francisco Giants
Paws - Detroit Tigers
The Oriole Bird - Baltimore Orioles
The Pirates Parrot - Pittsburgh Pirates

Addy’s Bottom Five:

Ace -Toronto Blue Jays
Slider - Cleveland
Bernie Brewer - Milwaukee Brewers
Swinging Friar - San Diego Padres
Screech - Washington Nationals

My son Hayden managed to pull himself away from the game to scroll through the pictures Addy saw, and asked that I include his picks as well.

Hayden’s Top Five

Southpaw - Chicago White Sox
Paws - Detroit Tigers
Phillie Phanatic - Philadelphia Phillies
Lou Seal - San Francisco Giants
Stomper - Oakland Athletics

Hayden’s Bottom Five

Swinging Friar - San Diego Padres
Bernie Brewer - Milwaukee Brewers
Slider - Cleveland
Orbit - Houston Astros
Sluggerrr - Kansas City Royals

To make this a family affair, Billy suggested a bonus round of the two lovable goofs, Ribbie and Roobarb.

Addy: “They are funny and cute.”

Hayden: “They look weird. One has a really long nose and the other has clown hair.”

Southpaw thankfully came out on top in both power rankings. Paws and Lou Seal were also favorites. Perhaps a trip to Detroit to track down Paws is in order.

Sadly Bernie Brewer and Swinging Friar were terrifying for both kids, so I guess human-looking mascots are not for them.

Sound off in the comments with your favorite mascots.

“He looks like he’s staring into my soul”

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Addy’s Top Five

Addy’s Bottom Five:

Hayden’s Top Five

Hayden’s Bottom Five

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