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“He looks like he’s staring into my soul”

An 8-year-old rates all 30 active MLB mascots (and two retired ones)

Gatorade All-Star Workout Day Photo by Mark Cunningham/MLB Photos via Getty Images

Kids say the darndest things sometimes, my daughter is no exception to that.

At eight years old, she’s incredibly opinionated and always wants people to know exactly how she feels. I suggested she rank the MLB mascots as a story idea, after it came up on a recent podcast, and she ran with it. I think her teacher, softball coach and any random person she crossed this week knew that she would have her very own article up soon.

Mark Lazerus of The Athletic had his daughter rank NHL mascots to kick off the 2020 All-Star Weekend, after frequently tweeting about her collection of plush mascots he would buy as a souvenir during each road trip. She was not interested in hockey, but according to Mark, mascots are her jam.

Addy is occasionally interested in baseball, or at least the snacks she can consume during games. But mascots — that’s something she will always be interested in. She has pestered me all week about this article and was ecstatic when I brought the laptop and tablet out as she looked at pictures and I dictated her thoughts while listening to Jason and Steve in the background.

Realizing she could read about baseball teams on Epic.

Here are her unfiltered thoughts on the mascots across baseball, with power rankings at the end.

Kansas City Royals v. Cleveland Indians Joe Sargent/MLB Photos via Getty Images

Slider (Cleveland) “Creepy, ugly and I don’t like that it has no mouth. And too hairy.”

MLB: JUL 03 Giants at Diamondbacks Carlos Herrera/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Baxter the Bobcat (Arizona Diamondbacks) “Oh, OK. He’s funny. Also kind of weird.”

Texas Rangers v Chicago White Sox Ron Vesely/Getty Images

Southpaw (Chicago White Sox” “Aw. [Rubs tablet screen] He’s cute and funny.”

MLB: OCT 02 Tigers at Braves David J. Griffin/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Homer the Brave (Atlanta Braves) “He’s creepy. I don’t like him.”

MLB: Minnesota Twins at St. Louis Cardinals Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports

Fredbird (St. Louis Cardinals) “He’s funny and chubby. Also he looks kind of stupid.”

MLB: AUG 02 Giants at Rangers Matthew Visinsky/Icon Sportswire/Corbis/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Rangers Captain (Texas Rangers) “He looks funny because his nose is so long.”

Chicago White Sox v Minnesota Twins Brace Hemmelgarn/Minnesota Twins/Getty Images

T.C. Bear (Minnesota Twins) “He’s funny and cute.” (I told her I don’t like the Twins and she said, “I don’t care, this is my ranking.”)

Arizona Diamondbacks v Washington Nationals Jamie Squire/Getty Images

Screech (Washington Nationals) “No, no. He looks creepy. He looks like he’s staring into my soul.”

Texas Rangers v Tampa Bay Rays Douglas P. DeFelice/Getty Images

Raymond (Tampa Bay Rays) “He looks funny and chubby. He’s also really blue.”

MLB: Pittsburgh Pirates at Milwaukee Brewers Benny Sieu-USA TODAY Sports

Bernie Brewer (Milwaukee Brewers) “I don’t like him. He probably kills kids on that slide.” [She moved away from the tablet.] Uh ... what?

2019 Little League Classic: Chicago Cubs v. Pittsburgh Pirates Mary DeCicco/MLB Photos via Getty Images

The Pirate Parrot (Pittsburgh Pirates) “He’s silly.”

Toronto Blue Jays v. Baltimore Orioles

The Oriole Bird (Baltimore Orioles) “I like him, he’s cool. He’s so orange.”

Washington Nationals v San Diego Padres

Swinging Friar (San Diego Padres) “No.”

MLB: Exhibition-Oakland Athletics at San Francisco Giants Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports

Lou Seal (San Francisco Giants) [laughs] “His eyes look really funny, and I like his sunglasses.”

MLB: MAY 28 Orioles at Astros Leslie Plaza Johnson/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Clark (Chicago Cubs) “He’s ugly. I don’t like that he’s not wearing pants. Dang.”

Seattle Mariners Focus on Sport/Getty Images

Mariner Moose (Seattle Mariners) “I like that he’s doing a flip in the (different from above) picture. He looks pretty cute and like he would be funny.”

Cleveland Indians v Oakland Athletics Ethan Miller/Getty Images

Stomper (Oakland Athletics) “Oh he looks so cute. Is he nice?”

MLB: JUN 08 White Sox at Royals Keith Gillett/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Sluggerrr (Kansas City Royals) “So, I like that it looks like he’s wearing a crown.”

St. Louis Cardinals v Florida Marlins John Reid III /MLB Photos via Getty Images

Billy the Marlin (Miami Marlins) “Billy! You have a mascot named after you! He looks cute.” (Billy is her step-dad.)

2019 World Series Game 7 - Washington Nationals v. Houston Astros Alex Trautwig/MLB Photos via Getty Images

Orbit (Houston Astros) “He looks really funny. I like his smile and um, yeah, that’s it. I do like his ears.”

Minnesota Twins v Toronto Blue Jays Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images

Ace (Toronto Blue Jays) “Creepy. Super creepy.”

Tampa Bay Rays v Boston Red Sox Rich Gagnon/Getty Images

Wally the Green Monster (Boston Red Sox) “He looks like a dinosaur but at the same time, green slime.”

Chicago White Sox v Detroit Tigers Mark Cunningham/MLB Photos via Getty Images

Paws (Detroit Tigers) “He just looks cute. Like Tony the Tiger.”

St Louis Cardinals v Cincinnati Reds Joe Robbins/Getty Images

Gapper, Rosie Red, Mr. Redlegs and Mr. Red (Cincinnati Reds) “Are they married? They look fun, like people I would like to meet. Looks like they’re from the 1940’s.”

Arizona Diamondbacks v Colorado Rockies Dustin Bradford/Getty Images

Dinger (Colorado Rockies) “He looks fun. He’s like one of the people from the Land Before Time, or Barney without the green mouth.”

Mass Vaccination Site Opens At Citi Field In New York City David Dee Delgado/Getty Images

Mr. & Mrs. Met (New York Mets) “Fun. I like them, they’re like the Reds people.”

MLB: APR 04 Braves at Phillies Photo by Rich Graessle/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Phillie Phanatic (Philadelphia Phillies) “He looks like um, the Boston Red Sox mascot but furrier. His nose looks like broccoli. And he has funny shoes.”

Addy’s Top Five

Southpaw - Chicago White Sox
Lou Seal - San Francisco Giants
Paws - Detroit Tigers
The Oriole Bird - Baltimore Orioles
The Pirates Parrot - Pittsburgh Pirates

Addy’s Bottom Five:

Ace -Toronto Blue Jays
Slider - Cleveland
Bernie Brewer - Milwaukee Brewers
Swinging Friar - San Diego Padres
Screech - Washington Nationals

My son Hayden managed to pull himself away from the game to scroll through the pictures Addy saw, and asked that I include his picks as well.

Hayden’s Top Five

Southpaw - Chicago White Sox
Paws - Detroit Tigers
Phillie Phanatic - Philadelphia Phillies
Lou Seal - San Francisco Giants
Stomper - Oakland Athletics

Hayden’s Bottom Five

Swinging Friar - San Diego Padres
Bernie Brewer - Milwaukee Brewers
Slider - Cleveland
Orbit - Houston Astros
Sluggerrr - Kansas City Royals

To make this a family affair, Billy suggested a bonus round of the two lovable goofs, Ribbie and Roobarb.

Ribbie, Roobarb, Tony, and the Bull

Addy: “They are funny and cute.”

Hayden: “They look weird. One has a really long nose and the other has clown hair.”

Southpaw thankfully came out on top in both power rankings. Paws and Lou Seal were also favorites. Perhaps a trip to Detroit to track down Paws is in order.

Best friends!

Sadly Bernie Brewer and Swinging Friar were terrifying for both kids, so I guess human-looking mascots are not for them.

Sound off in the comments with your favorite mascots.