Every time you open a crisp can of soda (or pop, or soda pop ,or just “Coke” if you’re from the deep south) and take a swig, a whirlwind of flavors and aromas dance mightily amongst your taste buds.
We often connect these sparkling, sugary experiences to memories or moments from our own lives. Maybe there was a hot afternoon of tee-ball practice and on the way home, mom or dad stopped off to get you an ice-cold, glass-bottle Coke. Or maybe your best friend made you laugh so hard that Sprite came soaring through your nose in a symphony of delight and sheer pain. For whatever reason, we relate to these beverages in a way much like how we relate to baseball players we have never even met. They ignite something within us: A joy, romance ... nightmare.
So, without further ado, here are the definitive SodaSox comparisons for the 2021 squad.
Tim Anderson is Diet Dr. Pepper
When it comes down to it, no soft drink slaps harder than Diet Dr. Pepper. It may seem like it’s too weak to be the best. But watch out, the cacophony of crispness and spice is pleasing in any situation. It’s bold. It’s unique. It gets the job done. TA7 is the epitome of DDP.
Yoán Moncada is Mountain Dew Baja Blast
Sounds cliché? You tell me what you reach for to please the palette whilst holding your Cheesy Gordita Crunch or Nachos Bell Grande. Baja Blast brings the fire when it matters most. And the Blast is always down to party, making it the ultimate Disastre Gaseosa.
José Abreu is Coca Cola Classic
This needs no explanation. Abreu is a born leader, and as classic as it gets. It would be foolish to assign the most valuable soft drink in the world to anyone but the MVP.
Yasmani Grandal is Pepsi
You want to hate it. You know it isn’t as good as Coke. But sometimes, it just get the job done. It may miss more than it hits, but on a scorching-hot day without other options, Pepsi can be the bat drop we all need to feel refreshed.
Yermín Mercedes is Surge
Where the hell did Surge come from? How did it stick around so long? Is it real, or just an illusion? Surge is the 3-0 home run swing of sodas. We’re not sure exactly how it works, but for the most part, it does, and it gets you amped. Like Surge, we expect Mercedes to fade — but that doesn’t mean he won’t offer a huge boost when the team is a little sleepy.
Zack Collins is Crystal Pepsi
It’s Pepsi. But worse and clear. You get it.
Andrew Vaughn is Mello Yello
Like Mello Yello, Vaughn can sneak up on you when you least expect it. Should Mello Yello be in the big leagues of soft drinks? Maybe not yet. But it’s just a couple adjustments away from being elite. And when it does hit, it hits HARD.
Adam Eaton is Mountain Dew Code Red
Code Red was cool when it first came out. A red Mountain Dew? What would science do next!? But as time went on, Code Red slipped up more and more, and we soon realized that it was really just kind of gross.
Nick Madrigal is Squirt
I mean, this one is obvious.
Jake Lamb is White Grape Diet Rite
Only a LAST resort beverage. Why is this soda even here?
Lance Lynn is Dad’s Root Beer
Lynn is reliable, consistent, and sometimes downright delicious. Lynn, aka “Sox Sarsaparilla,” may seem boring at first, but let him swish around in your mouth a bit and you’ll see that this particular tall drink may be an ace of a soda after all.
Liam Hendriks is Bawlz
Nothing can pump you up more than the ultra-caffeinated thrill ride that is Bawlz (with guarana!). Bawlz is the liquid equivalent of screaming “F*ck Yeah!” while pumping your fist after a strikeout to end the game. This is a match made in Up Over (heaven).
Billy Hamilton is Jolt
Jolt will get you flying like Hamilton after a dinger. Hamilton’s 16-second homer trot could only be fueled by the original, caffeinated chaos creator of the cola world. Jolt is fun, energetic, and packs a surprising pop. Remind you of anyone?
Dylan Cease is flat Diet Canada Dry
Much like with Diet Canada Dry, Dylan is aiming for the right idea. But he often misses. Sometimes horribly. Just like an open can of Diet Canada Dry sitting in the back of the fridge, Dylan is still missing a key part of his personal carbonation. But once he finds his pop and the right amount of sugar, Dylan will upgrade to regular Canada Dry status and we will be ordering him on every flight we take.
I’ve intentionally left some White Sox players off this list. Let’s see your soft drink choices for Dallas Keuchel, Leury García, Danny Mendick, Aaron Bummer, Garrett Crochet and others, in the comments below!