Things Lance Lynn Says After a Strikeout, from a Certified Lip Reader

Fans of All-Star pitcher Lance Lynn have agreed that watching his celebratory displays of passion after a strikeout is one of the many reasons he’s loved.

Lynn routinely erupts in a primal yell after retiring a batter, before releasing a string of several mysterious words, and at times speaking all the way into the dugout. He throws with an infectious passion that reminds us that good pitching can be as exciting as watching our offense hit a bunch of dingers.

After loquacious Lynn expressed his love for playing with the Chicago White Sox, fans have been wondering exactly what it is that makes him describe himself as “a pretty easy fit” with the South Side. Due to popular demand, we’ve called in certified lip reader Matthew Cooper, CLP, to help us unravel the mystery of what lies behind Lynn’s post-strikeout thoughts.

Lynn was particularly chatty on May 21 this season, as the White Sox squared up against the Orioles. As his 4-seam fastball blazed past batter after batter, Lynn is seen spouting a string of mysterious words. I show Cooper a clip of the third inning, and with his lip-reading expertise, he is able to decode Lynn’s words. “‘For the slip deck murder fortune’ is exactly what he’s saying,” Matthew assures me.

Upon first glance, you may think Cooper is wrong. I thought so too, until I did a deep-dive into an obscure murder case from 2004. Lloyd Grey, a man from Northbon Falls, Mich., was brutally murdered by his wife, Andrea. His gruesomely disfigured body was buried in the backyard of their marital home, and discovered only when Andrea was caught burying the life insurance fortune of $5 million under the defective slipping panel in the backyard deck. It’s clear after learning the details of this case that Lynn was dedicating this strikeout to the memory of Lloyd Grey.

In another clip I show to Matthew, Lance Lynn strikes out nine Angels batters on June 9. His disorienting cutter causes Cooper to start laughing, and when I ask him what he thinks is funny, he answers, “This guy’s got some sick-ass shit.” Upon reading Lynn’s lips from this game, Matthew smiles. “He said, ‘Ahh, finger misery stroke!’”

“He hurt his finger!” we both exclaim simultaneously.

Next, I show Cooper a clip of the infamous ejection, after being subjected to a routine foreign-substance check. On August 18, after Lynn had left his glove and hat to be examined, he tossed his belt at the umpire from the dugout in a rush to get to his trainer after inning’s end. The toss was not intended to be aggressive on Lynn’s part, so it doesn’t surprise me to read Cooper’s interpretation of Lynn’s words. “Hi, the fondue you put the beer in it. Can you fudge Nebraska man? I find less coal in it.”

Lynn is saying a lot here. Looking at the first sentence, we confirm that Lynn isn’t just a brilliant, All-Star pitcher, he’s also a culinary aficionado, preferring a craft beer as the base for his cheese fondue. The second tirade is clearly a social commentary on the problematic issue of Nebraska being the only state in the lower 48 using more coal now to generate electricity than it did 10 years ago. Lynn’s face then turned from the camera, but we can assume that he went on to oppose the state’s coal ash contamination of groundwater.

Whether or not you agree with Lynn’s assumed stance on Earth’s limited natural resources, every White Sox fan can agree that he and his exultant shouting are one of our favorite parts of the 2021 Chicago White Sox.

Let’s mic him up for the next ESPN game and see what happens. What could go wrong?