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Your Completely Tentative, Subject to Disaster 2022 White Sox Schedule

It’s Lance Lyn SZN baby. #Freebritney

This 2022 White Sox schedule reveal is brought to you by Lance Lynn, the Free Britney movement, and rain-scented Axe body spray.

Hello friends! This is Colleen from Saint Xavier! Wait, no, this is 2018, and Lucas Giolito is the worst pitcher in baseball. Just kidding, this is Celeste from the internet here with a preview of the White Sox 2022 schedule, and we’ll do it with a Bing Bang Bong.

March 31: Bringing April Showers

The White Sox will host Josh Donaldson and the Minnesota Twins at home on March 31, 2022. #DonaldsonFacts. OK, this one is true, though I’m SURE Josh Donaldson also claps after an airplane lands and douses himself in Axe body spray. Hopefully Donaldson leaves the rain in Minnesota so we don’t have a repeat of Opening Day 2017 (and please ... no convertible parade, either).

April: Separating the Wheat from the Chaff ... Or the Corn from the Soybeans

The White Sox will see all four division rivals in a month that doesn’t have them leaving the Midwest. After finishing the opening series with the Twins, the White Sox will head down to Kauffman Stadium to take on the Royals, who they will face at the end of the month as well. The Sox will then head to Detroit for a three-game series against the Tigers before hosting the Graveman-less Mariners and Rays back-to-back at the GRate. The Sox will see the Twins and Royals again before ending the month with a series at home against the Angels (old frenemy alert! Will Spanky return to the Angels in the offseason, or will they learn their lesson?).

Of Note: From April 18-20 the Sox will have a four-game series with baseball’s newest franchise, the Cleveland Guardians. Ew. That’s all I have to say.

May: Seeing Double

With the Delta Variant showing no sign of slowing down, don’t throw your masks away just yet as the month of May will feature not one but TWO series against what’s left of the Cubs after Jed Hoyer’s trade-deadline fire-sale. And speaking of Sale, the two Crosstown Classics bookend two series against the Red Sox in which we can expect to see our old friend, who reportedly is recovering nicely from Tommy John surgery and a Taco Bell addiction. The White Sox will also see the Guardians and Royals again, and end the month with an international excursion to Toronto.

Of Note: The Good Guys will see the Yankees seven times too many, though it may be an exciting series to watch as I heard a rumor that instead of extending Anthony Rizzo, the Yankees will sign the stray cat seen prowling the outfield at Monday night’s game.

June: On the Road Again

Much like my Friday nights, the White Sox will be all over the place in June, finishing the series in Toronto before heading down to Tampa Bay where we can hope to see Tim Anderson exact his revenge on Kevin Cash for snubbing him at the All-Star game. And TA will need the spaghetti carbo-load because after an off-day on June 6, the Sox will head home for a series against the formidable Dodgers followed immediately by a series against the Rangers and Detroit yet again. The Sox will also see Toronto and the Angels a second time.

Of Note: The White Sox will head down to Minute Maid Park June 17-19 to take out the trash, and the super-lovable-totally-not-creepy Oriole bird will flock to Chicago for a four-game series June 23-26.

July: You CLENCH Your Butthole; You CLINCH the Division

July will feature two series against the Twins, one against Detroit, and two more against the Guardians (I will never get used to that). Hopefully by then our lead of the AL Central is apparent (much like how Lucas Giolito is a parent to Josh Donaldson). In July we will also see the Giants, the team that Trevor Story somehow still plays for, and the A’s.

Of Note: Pending no further catastrophes such as another Covid lockdown, racist voter laws or a wildfire that subsumes the entirety of Southern California, the Midsummer Classic is slated yet again to take place at Dodger Stadium on July 19. So, like, who knows.

August: Meh

The only team the White Sox will face for the first time in August is the Diamondbacks, if you can even call them that. Hopefully they can actually have themselves a freakin’ offseason, but not like the one the Twins had. The Sox will see Baltimore, Houston, and the Rangers, and division rivals Cleveland and Detroit. We will also face the Royals eight more times, three of which games are in Kansas City, so those of you following on the road remember to pack your IVs — it’s gonna be hot (the weather, but, yes, also Yoán Moncada).

Of Note: Honestly, nothing.

September/October: California Dreamin’

The final leg of 2022 takes the White Sox out West, first to Seattle then to Oakland followed by a series at home against the Rockies. They’ll finish out September against Cleveland, Detroit, and Minnesota before one final trip West to San Diego, which, if you ask me (you didn’t), is super impractical but I don’t make the schedule. And maybe, just maybe, we can call Elijah up for a battle of the ... what is the plural form of Tatís? (Tatíses? Tatí?)

Of Note: Assuming we don’t blow our postseason chances this year, we would certainly look to have a playoffs three-peat in 2022, which seems like the goal based on the re-signing of our lord and savior Lance Lynn and Daddy Hahn’s comments about Hernández and Kimbrel not being one-and-dones.

So, in what are surely the words of Liam Hendriks, LET’S FUCKING GO!!!

Of course, fantasizing about a White Sox dynasty run through 2022 is easy. But because I’m catastrophic at heart I must point out that several questions remain unanswered that could alter the fate of the 2022 White Sox. And because you’re a captive audience I will share these questions with you so they can live rent-free in your head as well:

  1. Will the collective bargaining agreements work themselves out, or will there be an epic battle between the players’ union and the Manfred Empire to end baseball as we know it?
  2. Will COVID ever go away? Could proof of vaccination be required to attend games?
  3. Will Eloy’s titty survive another spring training? Will there be any hamstrings left?

All of this, and more, remains to be seen. But for now, let us cherish what we do have, like the rest of the 2021 season and our dignity. Let me know if you’ve seen mine in the lost and found at Guaranteed Rate Field.