White Sox Sweep Cubs with 9-3 Win

dis YOU CAN PUT IT ON THE BOOOOOOOARD, IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!

It took just one pitch for the best shortstop in town to earn his pasta dinner tonight, setting the tone right off the bat for the White Sox offense with a 1-0 lead. Was this last minute lineup change to put TA on top some Hall of Fame manager sorcery once again? The world may never know.

TA’s dinger was followed by a single from Adam Engel and a BOMB from Eloy Jiménez that came with a bat flip that’s surely chilling at the International Space Station with Brian Goodwin’s bat by now. Speaking of international, Pop Sensation Yoán Moncada then took a walk, and as any good teammate would, Andrew Vaughn hit a dong of his own to bring Yoán home safely without any baserunning mishaps, bringing the score to 5-0. You just can’t make this stuff up (well, yes you can, but I didn’t).

Heading into the bottom of the first, the Cubs had a lot to make up. But they didn’t. Dylan shut down the side with two Ks.

In the top of the second, the White Sox tacked on two more runs off of singles from TA, Abreu and a double by Eloy to drive them both in. The inning ended exactly as you might predict, with Moncada called out on a strike that was, in fact, not a strike.

The bottom of the second started with a walk to Lord Farquaad — I mean, Patrick Wisdom. And as predictable as Moncada getting ump-f*cked, the rest of the inning was spent with the broadcasters blowing smoke up the collective asses of players that don’t even play for the Cubs anymore. Frank Schwindel (that’s a real person) drove in two runs on a single. Cease got out of the inning with a strikeout to Matt Duffy (I think that’s his name?).

The Sox offense was silenced in the top of the third, but an in-game interview with Lance Lynn confirmed what we all knew, that he is an absolute DOG. He also managed to break the internet. Or part of it at least.

The bad Cease that we all know and don’t love showed up for the bottom of the third, but he managed to escape with only one additional run, given up on a RBI single by Some Guy named Greg Deichmann.

Al Michaels showed up in the top of the fourth (and the bottom of the fourth, and top of the fifth), but our offense did not. Fortunately, Cease retired the side without further damage.

The Al Michaels Show was broken up in the top of the fifth with Eloy’s second home run of the night, which he absolutely murdered (something something exit velocity).

Cease once again reached double-digit Ks in the bottom of the fifth, striking out the side. Jay Clam came in for his first appearance since completing his rehab assignment, pinch-hitting for Cease who was replaced in the bottom of the sixth by ReyLo (no relation to JLo ).

ReyLo retired the side, allowing one hit by Sergio Alcantara, who was stranded on base by Robinson Crusoe. Vaughn contributed with an amazing catch in right field, this week’s new position for the versatile 2021 ROY. In the top of the seventh, Vaughn drove in Adam Engel to make the score Cubs 3, White Sox 3x3.

Following a 1-2-3 ReyLo masterclass, Leury García Leury García’d on a ground out to the shortstop (but, hey, at least there wasn’t RISP this time, so that’s an improvement, right?). No runs were scored for the Sox in the eighth, but Ryan Tepera returned the favor against his former team.

Bats were silent for the White Sox in the top of the ninth as well. José Ruíz came in to close out the game, striking out the side to cement the sweep of our north side rivals. And how sweep it is.

The White Sox head to Minnesota for a three-game series starting tomorrow at 7:10 PM, broadcast on ESPN and NBC Sports Chicago. Get ready folks, you-know-who returns.