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Sneak Preview of Coming Attractions: 2022 Guaranteed Rate Field Offerings

New statues? Safe zones? Tasty treats? We’ve got ’em all, six months before the new ballpark experiences go live.

Chicago Cubs v Chicago White Sox
Get ready for sold-out crowds, thanks to these these genius marketing strategies.
Ron Vesely/MLB Photos via Getty Images

There are remarkable White Sox legends in our past, but the yet-unsung heroes of our distant past and present also deserve some recognition. With this exclusive preview of next year’s offerings, investigative reporter and voiceover artist Di Billick breaks the news on the ways the White Sox are working broaden the options for fans at the park in 2022.

We all know and love the home of the Chicago White Sox, our great Comisk- U.S. Cel- Guaranteed Rate Field. This is a place where the sights, smells, and sounds fill all patrons with mirth, and the bathrooms aren’t crumbling pig troughs that reek like the clogged sewer drain of a neglected retirement home.

Who among us hasn’t fist-bumped the statue of Paul Konerko, suspended in time with his fist to the sky, as he rounds the bases during his grand slam in the 2005 World Series. We’ve narrowly escaped heat stroke by finding respite in the shower from Old Comiskey Park on sweltering days. Donning your free hat from the Sox Social Revolution Brewing Tap Room will garner you more compliments than wearing a hat you bought for $60. And who hasn’t drunkenly coveted the thick, juicy thighs of the bronzed Big Hurt statue, as you’re jacked up on Nugenix and wondering if there are any side effects if a woman takes the supplement? Oh, just me? Moving on.

Through good, old-fashioned reporting and sourcing, South Side Sox unfurls the best of the best of 2022’s new offerings. Enjoy!

A.J. Sucker-Punch Statue

A disembodied baby fist is attached to no one important.

This one needs no explanation, but if you’re a new fan, I’ll give you the unbiased story. In 2006, whiny little bitch boy Michael Barrett, A.J. Pierzynski’s Cubs counterpart, became inconsolably upset that he was the catcher for the Cubs and not the White Sox. Tired of beating those who are smaller than him, he decided to project his jealousy onto A.J.’s face with his little bitch baby fist, causing absolutely no harm whatsoever except to his own hand, and making him look even weaker when the White Sox won that game in a shutout, 7-0.

Elite Eloy-tes

Delicious, and reusable!

Young Eloy Jiménez has already done a lot of good damage on the South Side, joining the team’s elites early in his career. Eloy is my favorite current player, and elotes are my favorite current Guaranteed Rate Field food. The play on words does this marketing work by itself: Elite Eloy-tes. Fresh cut corn, mayo, lime juice, cojita cheese, salt, and a sprinkle of chile powder even makes you feel like you’re eating a little bit healthy, because it’s a vegetable (even though it’s coated in cholesterol goo). The classic park elotes will now be served in an official Eloy batting glove with a “Hi Mom!” decal.

Mark Buehrle Slip and Slide

Detroit Tigers v Chicago White Sox
That’s a big, undisclosed fine.
Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

Greatest pitcher alive Mark Buehrle had a comical hobby of sliding on the wet tarp during rain delays, much to the chagrin of higher-ups and security, who asked him to stop several times. The modern Mark Buehrle Slip and Slide is an oversized tarp, stretched over the diamond during rain delays. Attendants will usher sliders onto the field, have them sign electronic waivers, and guide them to the tarp entrance, where they can imitate Buehrle’s iconic run-and-slide. The scoreboard will run video of all the fun Mark Buehrle Slip and Slides, while the voice of Ken Williams will boom over the stadium: “As I’ve told him twice before, he needs to find another hobby. This one puts his career and his team’s chances in jeopardy,” while “The Wind” by the Zac Brown Band plays over it. Whoever slides the furthest length across the tarp gets another free hat from the Sox Social Revolution Brewing Tap Room, and will be fined an undisclosed amount.

The Nancy Faust Room

In lieu of therapy, The Nancy Faust Room is a peaceful getaway from life’s worries.

When I was a small child, I met Nancy Faust and told her I wanted to play the organ for the White Sox, just like her when I grew up. It turns out I do play the organ, but it’s my husband’s. Anyway, Nancy Faust was so kind and graceful, and meeting her as a kid was a joyful experience. Thus, the Nancy Faust Room is a charming, climate-controlled room at Guaranteed Rate Field. The walls are painted pink, with white, puffy clouds. Cotton candy and CBD gummies are available for purchase, and any other concession food or beverage can be hand-delivered by the Nancy Faust White Glove Concierge. TV screens on the wall play the ninth inning of Mark Buehrle’s perfect game, Tim Anderson’s Field of Dreams walk-off homer, and Yoán Moncada’s “Desastre Personal” on repeat. Nancy is there, taking requests and playing almost anything you want, as she encourages you to vent your frustrations in the complimentary White Sox journals, free for every Nancy Faust Room patron. Admission is $100 per person, because all artists deserve a living wage and shouldn’t work for free. Please tip your concierge.

Steve Lyons Day

You’re giving me a buona, Steve.

Steve “Psycho” Lyons, the utility player of legend, is a one-man baseball circus. He once played all nine defensive positions in a single major league exhibition game, and yes, that is true and not a bit. He’s well-known for absent-mindedly pantsing himself after a messy head-first slide, to loose the dirt from his trousers. It’s only fitting that on Steve Lyons Day, we celebrate the everyman in style. Lyons will throw the first pitch, sing the National Anthem, perform all three flavors in the Buona Beef race separately as he tries to beat his own time each run, and he’ll take the final at-bat for the White Sox, all with his pants down around his ankles. Any White Sox fan who throws dollar bills onto the field will not be fined, but the dollars will be collected and donated to The Nancy Faust Room Foundation.

Ozzie Hidden-Ball Bazaar

Why did they cut his eyes out?

Lines at Guaranteed Rate Field can get long pretty quickly in-between innings, and it’s boring to stand there waiting when you’d rather watch the game. We’ve raised the stakes of the wait with the Ozzie Hidden Ball Bazaar, to celebrate the successful hidden ball tricks played on Ozzie that the big broadcast personality doesn’t want us to remember. Compliant with social distancing guidelines, there are decals every six feet in the line. Security attendants will be holding a ball in their glove, or will they? If you’re caught off the decal duirng a lackadaisical moment, you have to move to the end of the line, while South Paw shames you with a big cutout of Ozzie’s face and Beck’s “Loser” plays over the loudspeaker.